The baby of my babies has a fever. Again.

This is getting to be a pretty common thing, which I find disconcerting.

It seems to be a monthly occurrence, or maybe even less….. One day she will start to feel warm, I keep feeling her neck, head, armpits… then I take her temperature and it’s normal, although parts of her feel so hot!

The next day, she will have a fever. The course is anywhere from 3-5 days, with a slowly decreasing temperature until one day it’s gone.

Sometimes she hold her neck funny, like it’s stiff. Not the kind of stiff neck I would expect with meningitis. Besides, she can’t get meningitis every MONTH. When she does it, it’s more like just one side of it seems stiff so she holds her head really still and doesn’t turn her neck easily. But she doesn’t complain or act like it hurts. And the neck thing seems to come and go, it’s not a constant.

Sometimes she refuses to eat. This kills me.

She will drink, and take a bite here and there. But today is day 3 of her current fever, and after eating a decent breakfast of pancakes and cut up pears…. she has refused to eat more. She sees me bring food close to her face and actually puts out her hand and pushes it away. Then I think maybe she has mouth sores??? But I don’t SEE anything in there! It’s not teething, she’s done.

She refused the banana chocolate chip muffins I made for her. She refused the plain chocolate chips! That’s right, I’m willing to give her anything at this point just to see if she will eat something!

Her temp was 104 this morning, usually it’s not much past 102, and it still gets back to normal after Motrin…but it doesn’t stay down.

Once in a while during these episodes, she might vomit. Not this time though. In the past she may also have a clear runny nose. She did have a bit of one yesterday, it’s gone now.

So as I go about my daily activities, she is with me constantly. And my mind is constantly running. This is a snippet from inside my head today:

I really hope there is nothing wrong with her, I would die, please God don’t let there be anything wrong with her, because I’ve had those patients with the crazy immunoglobulin deficiencies and fever syndromes, with all sorts of other things wrong with them, and I don’t want her to have to deal with that. Maybe it’s an ear infection, is she holding her ears? Yes, she IS holding her ears. No, I don’t think it’s an ear infection. Why won’t she EAT anything? Maybe she’ll eat this cracker…NO..she won’t even eat a Ritz cracker! Popsicle? Great, a few bites of that. Oh my God, what if it’s Leukemia, my cousin died from Leukemia. I remember they found out he had it when he was so sick and his fever was so high. No..No, No, No. Shit. I thought of it so that BETTER not happen. I didn’t mean to think about that. It’s NOT Leukemia. UTI? maybe she has a UTI. I had them as a kid. But she doesn’t seem to be in any pain! Maybe kids are like elderly people and don’t symptoms much. How am I going to get a pee sample from her? Tomorrow, I’m taking her to the doctor tomorrow. Is she holding her neck funny? Yes, she is! What’s wrong with her neck??

I know I’ve had plenty of kids. But no one ever had fevers the way she has fevers. And Google isn’t helping. I’m having arguments in my head with doctors who blow me off before I even make the appointment, it is not good to for me to think this much.

I take a deep breath. Ok, she’s drinking, peeing, even pooping today. Breathing fine. Playing when the medicine is working.

I’ve officially started to track these fevers. And I’m scouring her body for any signs of a rash or ANYTHING to link her symptoms.

I hate this helpless feeling. Probably one of the worst parts of parenting, when you know your child is not well, and can’t fix them.

I realize how vulnerable I am, we all are. Bad things happen to people, to children, babies, families. I know how lucky I have been with my children. I would gladly, GLADLY take something bad for myself…..just not the babies. I realize I have no right to expect my family to remain as blessed as we have been….but I pray for it.

So, Jenna-Bean, please just have a virus. I am sure you just have a virus. But I’m still taking you to the doctor tomorrow.