Today is October first.

It was almost a year ago that my brother died, on the fourth.

As the days have crept closer and closer, I find myself wishing I could somehow sneak away from this week, and just hide until it’s over. This countdown won’t stop, I can hear the clock ticking.

Is it normal that I find myself trying to fill in what he was probably doing in those last days?? For example, tomorrow will be a year from the last time we ever spoke. I remember the conversation well, because I was so hopeful for him. I want to hear it again, painful as it would be.

I want to fill in every moment, every second.  That last week, we didn’t know. We just didn’t know it was the last week.

Thinking about what he was doing up until that moment that he….. wasn’t.

I’m trying to keep him close. I’m trying to STILL find a way to stop what happened, maybe some space time continuum will activate and I can find a way to tell him STOP!!!

Please stop.

Is there some magic thing that happens after that first year, that makes it easier?  Sure, I don’t cry every day anymore. But I think of him every day. And I still want to make it all go away, and have my little brother back.