One year down, almost

Image may contain: 2 people, including Kim May, people smiling, beard, hat and indoor

 

Today is October first.

It was almost a year ago that my brother died, on the fourth.

As the days have crept closer and closer, I find myself wishing I could somehow sneak away from this week, and just hide until it’s over. This countdown won’t stop, I can hear the clock ticking.

Is it normal that I find myself trying to fill in what he was probably doing in those last days?? For example, tomorrow will be a year from the last time we ever spoke. I remember the conversation well, because I was so hopeful for him. I want to hear it again, painful as it would be.

I want to fill in every moment, every second.  That last week, we didn’t know. We just didn’t know it was the last week.

Thinking about what he was doing up until that moment that he….. wasn’t.

I’m trying to keep him close. I’m trying to STILL find a way to stop what happened, maybe some space time continuum will activate and I can find a way to tell him STOP!!!

Please stop.

Is there some magic thing that happens after that first year, that makes it easier?  Sure, I don’t cry every day anymore. But I think of him every day. And I still want to make it all go away, and have my little brother back.

 

 

Advertisements

One thought on “One year down, almost

  1. So sorry to read this. I’ve not been on my blog for a couple of years and I just clicked to see what you were up to now as I remember your blog fondly. A lovely tribute to how much you love your brother – he looks like he was a lovely man xxx

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s