Today is October first.
It was almost a year ago that my brother died, on the fourth.
As the days have crept closer and closer, I find myself wishing I could somehow sneak away from this week, and just hide until it’s over. This countdown won’t stop, I can hear the clock ticking.
Is it normal that I find myself trying to fill in what he was probably doing in those last days?? For example, tomorrow will be a year from the last time we ever spoke. I remember the conversation well, because I was so hopeful for him. I want to hear it again, painful as it would be.
I want to fill in every moment, every second. That last week, we didn’t know. We just didn’t know it was the last week.
Thinking about what he was doing up until that moment that he….. wasn’t.
I’m trying to keep him close. I’m trying to STILL find a way to stop what happened, maybe some space time continuum will activate and I can find a way to tell him STOP!!!
Is there some magic thing that happens after that first year, that makes it easier? Sure, I don’t cry every day anymore. But I think of him every day. And I still want to make it all go away, and have my little brother back.
My brother has been gone for 6 months.
I still try to pretend it’s not true, but sometimes reality just smacks you in the face.
Like at Easter.
Joe made the punch for holidays at moms house. It was his thing, none of us knew how he did it, but somehow he mixed an awesome pink concoction with floating islands of sherbet just perfect for toasting over croissants and cheesy potatoes.
So, we made the punch because we feel maybe that not having punch would make us feel worse and miss Joe more. Having it gives us a chance to remember the good times with him, although the punch this year was definitely not on par with what he could have made for us.
And it makes us miss him anyway.
I used to say I wanted to get a life sized cardboard cutout of my brother. Just to have around. I really miss his smile, his personality, just him in general.
I think maybe sometimes it would be cool to have “him” in our holiday photos, posing with a cup of punch…. it would feel like he was still there a bit.
It wouldn’t replace him though. It wouldn’t talk or laugh back…. and I think the worst thing would be that it wouldn’t age as the rest of us aged. And I could never throw it away, it would feel like I was throwing my brother away.
So maybe no cardboard cutout.