Author Archives: momsranting

The great Mole debate

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Some people have known me for many years, and have never commented or maybe even really noticed this mole I have on my cheek. Sometimes I forget it’s there too…..

mole1

But it IS there… and there always comes a time when I am reminded of this. Most recently, at a parents meeting before my daughter went on a trip to Europe with her French class. I had met one of the dads earlier, and at the end of the meeting I went over to say goodbye.

“You have something on your cheek”, he offered helpfully. I see him watching the left cheek, so I start swiping it. “Yea, like a piece of tomato or something”, he’s still being really helpful. I keep feeling, there is nothing there… Oh, “Oh…you mean my mole?” Yea… it’s definitely not a tomato. Then there is the embarrassed laugh, oh…oops…

I’ve had the rude comment about “What IS that on your face??!”, and the concerned comment from friends who suggest I have it removed because they wouldn’t want a “thing” growing on them like that.

Generally, doesn’t bother me too much.

Even though my first born son has consistently refused to kiss THAT cheek….. because he doesn’t want to touch The Mole, I laugh it off.

But then sometimes I wonder, should I get rid of this thing growing on my face???

mole3

I have brought it up before, I’ve had offers from general practitioners and dermatologists who were totally willing to either burn it off, cut it out of my cheek, or punch it out.

But I’ve had it for so looong, I think in a weird way, I might miss it.

All the kids have asked about the “nipple” on my cheek when they were little. Their wandering little fingers have idly tried to pinch it off or push it in, like a button on my face.

It got bigger during my pregnancies, and back to normal size afterwards.

It’s impossible to cover up.

But, after all this time, I think it’s just going to stay there.

After all, Russell Crowe has that thing growing between his eyebrows and it did not reduce his hotness a bit in “Gladiator”.  It’s part of him, he may look weird without it. And besides, if I didn’t have my mole, I’d be left with a scar, maybe even a little crater of emptiness…reminding me that part of my face wasn’t good enough to keep.

So I guess as long as the mole follows the rules, the ABCD rules of having any mole (You know, Asymmetry, Border, Color, Diameter…) it can stay.

And hey, I’ll always have an awkward conversation topic to fall back on.

 

 

Avoiding Jillian Michaels

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I used to work out with Jillian Michaels. In my basement.

It was nice, she was there for me every morning, or anytime I went looking for her, really.  I got to know her, and the girls she brought to work out with us. She understood my limited time, and totally did not mind pausing if a wandering baby pooped herself in the middle of our workout, forcing me to change her before we finished.

We even had names for our workout routines, my absolute favorites were: Banish Fat, Boost Metabolism, 30 Day Shred, Ripped in 30, and No More Trouble Zones. That last one, I loved it.

We were such good workout buddies. She really understood my needs.

Well, time went on, and somehow I started missing some of our workout dates. It was hard to meet up with her, when I had all these kids to DO STUFF with, and I’ll admit, some days I just got lazy.

Jillian doesn’t like lazy. I know that. If she said it once, she said it a thousand times….. “It’s only 20 minutes, you don’t get a break!”  I got tired of her saying the same things over and over, you know how it is. And some of those moves, was she kidding?

I loved her 3-2-1 system of strength, cardio, abs. But then when we moved up to a more challenging level I was supposed to live in a plank position, dying on the floor as she cackled at me, not even breaking a sweat. And Rock Star Jumps. Um…. I know she hasn’t carried a baby inside of her, maybe that’s why she’s not afraid of her uterus falling onto the floor when she does them. Or peeing herself, I don’t see her crossing her legs and taking a minute to make sure nothing is going to sneak out.

Sometimes I would just do my own thing while she and her girls illustrated just how in shape I was NEVER going to be. And the longer I lapsed between our workouts, the more I realized she must have been working out between our sessions, because she picked up right where she left off when we were last together, yet I was forced to start back on level one, or struggle through level two.

I began to dread working out with her.  To her credit, she never acted like she noticed. Just as perky and motivating as before. Maybe neither of us wanted to verbalize it….but it was clear, we were growing apart.

I haven’t seen Jillian in over a month. Yes, I took the cowards way out and just stopped showing up. I guess I find that easier than having “the talk”.

But I’ve kind of been missing her. It WAS nice having her there to encourage me in my quest for physical fitness. She never judged me for doing high knees instead of rock star jumps. Maybe I just got too sensitive. Maybe I just got lazy. Maybe I feel like my butt is turning into a pancake and I don’t have the money for cool laser lipo…yet.

So I think, one day soon, I’m going to try to stop avoiding Jillian Michaels. My plan? Well, I’m going to act like nothing ever happened. I’ll probably show up one morning soon, and just join in again. She’s way to professional to call me on it, so I don’t need to worry about explaining myself.

Until that day, I just won’t look at that corner of my basement where we used to work out. Might get awkward if we made eye contact before I was ready……

I will never be popular, because I don’t drink.

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I stopped drinking alcohol years ago. I don’t even remember the last drink I had.

I just realized I really didn’t like myself when I drank. I realized that I would sometimes drink just to put up with a situation I was in, or because I was pressured into it by the people I was with at the time. Probably the trouble was more that the people I was trying to get along with were not people I would normally hang out with, we really had nothing in common, so getting drunk together was the easiest way to find a common ground.

I drank more in the last 2 years of my first marriage than I probably had ever before that. I was trying to get along with “him” and his friends, but I absolutely could not tolerate it sober, and neither could they. But, being considered “cute” for having a hang-over until 5pm the next day was a problem for me….and puking down the front of myself as I was being driven home was also not something I was proud to share.  I hated it and really started to hate myself. I didn’t even like the taste of alcohol, why was I doing this to myself?

So I stopped.

There are SO MANY good reasons NOT to drink. But for some reason, it is not always a popular choice. Some people are downright uncomfortable drinking around someone who is NOT drinking. As if I will judge them, or maybe it’s that I will remember all the things they will do or say while they are too drunk to do so?

When I tell people I don’t drink, many assume it’s because I can’t. Like for a health reason. Or because I may be an alcoholic. Certainly, it can’t be because I don’t WANT to!

And then, I’ve been judged. Because if I say I don’t drink, some people have felt that I must believe I am better than them…..because they do drink. And so therefore I must be some stuck up hater of all things fun.  I’m not making this up. I’ve also been judged for admitting that I like to read though….so…….yea.

Honestly, it’s ok that I’ve been judged for not drinking. Because sometimes, I judge people who are drinking. Sometimes.

Because we have WAY too many people with drinking problems. People who drink to de-stress, who drink to function, who drink to get drunk and pass out and not remember. We have way to many alcoholics in our families. Don’t we? I do, on both sides, a TON.

I work for a gastroenterology group that gets consulted on people in the hospital. You don’t even want to know the amount of people I see on a daily basis with livers that are either dead, or screaming for mercy because of the amount of alcohol they are swimming in. It’s a growing problem, this drinking, and not knowing when to stop. If you don’t work in healthcare, you may not have noticed though.

But think about what we do for fun…. isn’t so much centered around drinking? Think a minute about someone you know who doesn’t drink. By choice. Do you think they are normal? Do you think they are judging you if you enjoy a glass of wine, a cocktail, a beer?

I know, I know. I sound just like a….mom. Well, a boring mom, right?

That’s ok.

I do preach to my kids. I talk about all the problems that alcohol can contribute to….. and the fact that they will be pressured by their peers at some point to drink, to try drugs, to smoke. And you never know who will be able to walk away, and who will become enslaved by their addiction.

I would like it if more people attempted to have fun without drinking. And I know I’m generalizing…. but again, so many things that people do socially involve alcohol. Because alcohol relaxes you, makes you feel good. Makes you do things you wouldn’t have the guts to do normally. And some people drink because they WANT that excuse, and don’t want to be the person responsible for their bad choices. It was the Vodka, not ME!!

And the music today….how many songs serve to glorify the habit of getting drunk “in da club”, mentioning the “right” kind of liquor to drink. This is what our kids are singing to. I won’t lie, sometimes I really like the music too, and then it pisses me off because I feel like if I listen to it with any kids in the car, I am promoting a life of drinking and cheap sex. Well, sometimes the sex isn’t cheap I guess.

What to do?

So I guess I’ve taken the stance of being completely against alcohol. Because it seems so difficult for people to drink in a responsible way. That sounds so funny to me, like smoking in a responsible way…. I just don’t think it’s actually very responsible to ingest something that can hurt you…. but I guess that’s just me being really rigid and uptight. After all, one could argue I certainly don’t eat chocolate donuts in a responsible way, and I am NOT giving them up!!

I hope you know what I mean. I don’t hate you for drinking a beer on a lazy Saturday afternoon, having wine with your dinner, going out for Margarita’s with the girls sometimes.

I do hate that not everyone is able to walk away from it. And more and more people are affected by the drinking habits of their loved ones, sometimes fatally. I hate seeing all the damage done to the bodies of die hard drinkers who can’t quit, no matter how many times they try. And some really don’t want to try, and that’s hard to see too.

I hate that kids are encouraged to drink, to get crunk. That drinking is so often glamorized in our society.

I know this will not stop, there is way too much money to be made.

But just think about it. Think about your own family and friends. Doesn’t everyone know someone, at least some ONE with a drinking problem? a DUI? do you know people who get irritated if you talk to them about their drinking, who avoid social situations if there isn’t going to be alcohol served? I would be surprised if you don’t know anyone like this. But happy for you as well, clearly you only surround yourself with people who make good choices, or maybe you are just lucky.

It’s out there….

The evils of alcohol ready to teach your kids and mine about all the fun they will have when they drink, the fun that can ONLY be had when you drink. Because you can’t be popular or have as MUCH fun, unless you partake.

So I’m just going to be standing over here…. not drinking. And telling my kids not to drink. And hoping they don’t get hurt by someone who does.

It’s a choice, I know not a popular one. But it works for me.

Stalking the Superhero

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Child pretending to be a superhero

 

Sammy’s been going to preschool a few days a week, for just a few hours on those days. This summer there is a boy in class with him, Nathan.

Or, as Sammy refers to him: “My super hero”.

At first I didn’t even realize Sammy was talking about a real person, as he would spout off random facts about his super hero, and what they did together. he DOES sneak around the house, talking quietly into various phone-like objects, as he spies on us or fights “the bad guys” that only he can see. He loves being a super hero in his action fantasies, karate chopping as he jumps off his bed, or leaping into some sort of summersault before he dashes off to save the world… in our dining room. So I figured this guy he was talking about was his imaginary side kick.

But, as I picked him up one day from school, he pointed him out to me. “That’s my super hero!”  So began my understanding that this was a real boy my son seemed to worship.  I asked questions, like “why do you call Nathan your super hero?”  “Because he IS my super hero, mom!”. Oh. Okay. Well, I did see him wearing a Super man T-shirt that first day…so maybe this Nathan kid thinks he IS some super hero….maybe he only likes to wear super hero clothes or something. No big deal.

But sometimes Sammy would talk in the back seat on our way home from school, and in his continuous monologue, I would here little things like how Sammy ALWAYS wants to sit by Nathan, but sometimes Nathan sits by other people and Sammy doesn’t like that. Because that’s HIS super hero… I wondered, did Nathan want to sit by Sammy as much as Sammy wanted to sit by him?

“Sammy….does Nathan call you Super hero too???”  he said yes, Sometimes, Nathan calls him super hero, but he always calls Nathan super hero. He really, really liked Nathan. I asked him for the names of other kids he was friends with.  He just shrugs.  They aren’t his Superhero, so who cares?

So this goes on. It’s not a daily obsession, but I hear about Nathan several times during the week. One day I was going to keep him home from school so we could go to the zoo with friends. Sammy wanted to go, but didn’t want to miss Nathan at school. We had graduated to “My Superhero Nathan”.  We still went, I told him his super hero would be fine without him for a day.

I really wanted to meet this kids mom.  I guess I thought best case scenario, the boys would be equally obsessed with each other, and they could hang out sometimes. Maybe they were two peas in a pod, and would remain lifelong friends, understanding each other like no one else could. But first…I had to make sure Sammy wasn’t driving this kid crazy.

Today was the day.

I picked him up at school, gathering in the lobby with the other parents as we waited for the teacher to let us in. Surreptitiously glancing at the other moms….which one is His??

Once inside, I walk up to Sammy. “Hey, Buddy!, Where’s Nathan?”   He points to another boy, who is not paying us any attention. I’m watching to see who is there for him. There she is, a slight blonde woman with a toddler on her hip. Excited, I head over, Sammy in tow.

“Excuse me!, I’m Kim, Sammy’s mom!”….. as if I expected a thrilled response from her. Something along the lines of “Oh, Sammy….you’re SAMMY’S mom???!!!!  I’m SOOOO excited to meet you! Nathan just can’t stop talking about Sammy ALL THE TIME!!”

Well…. she DID smile at me. That’s pretty much it.

I kept going. “I hope Nathan talks as much about Sammy as Sammy talks about him!”  A teacher overhead us and came over, “Oh I know, he always calls Nathan his super hero!”  This was met by another smile, a little laugh from his mom. But no real interaction. Clearly, she was not as excited to meet me. And her son….why wasn’t he talking to Sammy? He just sat there, still not paying us any attention.  She was nice, not rude at all. But…there was no real interest coming from her. I didn’t feel like talking about play dates…..instead just said it was nice to meet her, and we left.

I asked more about Nathan on the way home. Sammy was pretty adamant that he ONLY wanted to play with Nathan. No one else. He only wanted to sit by Nathan. Then he mentions to me that Nathan felt sick today. According to Sammy, Nathan told him not to sit next to him because he was getting sick. He even held his arm out to ward Sammy off. Sammy felt like it was worth the risk…and reports sitting by Nathan anyway. So now I’m starting to feel weird. Is my son stalking this boy? How do I fix THIS?

I try talking about how it’s nice to play with ALL the kids…. and every one might be a good friend to have, and wouldn’t it be nice to have lots of friends at school? No, Sammy is completely sure he doesn’t need anyone but his super hero.  Well, “does Nathan play with other kids?”, Well, if he does, Sammy doesn’t see it. He says no.

My friend takes Sammy to school on the days I work. She met Nathan’s dad….one day Nathan introduced Sammy to his dad when they were picking up the kids. This makes me feel slightly better, at least Nathan hadn’t run away from Sammy, screaming for his dad to save him from my son.

I’ve talked about it with my family. I feel bad for Sammy, and I want to make sure he isn’t acting in a way that bothers anyone else. As my family pointed out….I would surely be notified if he was causing any trouble…. but I don’t want him to be the obsessed kid, following someone around all the time. I want him to be the one other people are obsessed with….it’s SO much cooler!

Well, I guess I’ve just got to look at the upside. So far, my son has absolutely NO idea that he is possibly stalking someone.  He’s happy, excited to go to school, and happy to have his super hero Nathan to play with. He’s confident in his choice of friends, and believes his feelings are reciprocated.  I’m GLAD he’s happy.

I’m still going to encourage him to play and get to know the other kids.

This is my first stalking, I don’t know really what else to do.

 

 

 

Friendly advice

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So my daughter dropped a bomb in my lap yesterday, there is a boy she wants me to meet.

She didn’t want to tell me because “she knows how I get” about this stuff…… but she already told her dad about him…because he is the cool parent, and believes no bad choices can be made by his children.

I’m already angry with her for lying. Never before has this boy been mentioned, yet somehow they have spent enough time together to cultivate a relationship. Now she wants me to meet him so they can move forward in some way. I KNEW something was up when suddenly she is dressing up and putting makeup on before just hanging out with her best friend. But my questions about what is she doing, where is she going, who is she with failed to bring forth any mention of this boy.

Her response? Well, they’ve been texting a lot… and she went to a couple of his softball games….and you know they didn’t initially plan to see him but other plans fell through and so you know this was just kind of something that “happened” so innocently.

And this is the part that I suck at. Because I can’t tolerate being lied to. I can’t tolerate thinking of my daughter being fully or semi-naked with a boy….and what really is the POINT of going out with someone at that age if not to experiment with things that require a lack of judgment and clothing. And I just don’t think she needs a boyfriend.

I called a friend to vent a little. She listened, and gave me some friendly advice.

“Better go and get her on the pill.”  WHAT? No, I’m not putting her on the pill. Why does this mean she’s going to have sex!  She always tells me how stupid the kids she knows are for having sex! She doesn’t WANT to have sex! This was met with a laugh, because apparently that’s what kids do when they want to have sex but don’t want their parents to know they want to, or are already having sex. According to my friend, they put the spotlight on a friend so you can focus on that horrible person, and never think that your own sweet child is doing the same thing!!!!!  My friend knows this, because she did this herself.

So I’m really uncomfortable right now.

I don’t want to be that ignorant mom who can’t face what is going on. But am I stupid for believing what my daughter claims to think and feel about things when we talk? I have been so proud of her for not being like kids her age who are smoking, drinking, doing drugs, having sex. She talks about the girls in school that she knows are sleeping around, she brings home gossip about who got pregnant, who had an abortion, who got expelled for coming to school drunk.  These conversations have ended with me feeling so thankful that she hasn’t been tainted by the things that happen around her, and I’ve always thought she had a good head on her shoulders.

Am I stupid?

According to my friend…yes.

I was pretty ignorant about what was going on around me in high school. Friends that ended up having sex made me feel that I needed to save them from their low self esteem, because surely that’s the only reason they turned to a boy for that kind of attention. They must have just not felt loved enough. Or so I thought. It wasn’t until many years later that I realized I was probably the odd one, the one not having sex.

Stories my ex husband told me about when HE was in high school made me realize how sheltered I was, and naïve.

Other friends have shared their own stories of being a teenager….things they did.

One friend was raped by her boyfriend several times. She cried through it, but didn’t stop it….this was the first person she had sex with and it almost seems that she just didn’t know what to do about it.

Another friend was curious about things that boys and girls do together…. so she suggested to a co-worker that they team up and use each others bodies for training purposes. Duh, what do you think HE said??

Most of my friends have had some sexual experiences by the time they were my daughters age. I think I am the only one I know who had ONLY been kissed by then. Once or twice.

I want to cry.

I know too many people that have had abortions. Too many people that have had STD’s.

I don’t want that for my daughter. And I don’t want her to feel, as I think she does, that she needs the attention of a boy to really feel like she is worth something. This is not how I raised her. But this seems to be how it IS for so many kids at her age. She has talked about wanting a boyfriend, wanting to know that someone cares about her and finds her special and beautiful. I get this, I know those feelings, I was her age once.

I want her to feel that melting heat when you kiss someone you are crazy about. That fluttering in your stomach when you picture his face, or even whisper his name to yourself. I want her to feel giddy with happiness when she looks across the table into the face of the man she loves with all her heart, knowing he loves her too.

But I really, really doubt she is going to find that person now, at age 17. Instead, she is more likely to find a boy an insecure as she is. Curious about what sex feels like. Wanting to feel like they are grown up and special, and invincible…. and ready and able to spread HPV like it’s going out of style.

I’ve gotten a lot of advice. Friendly advice about how to handle this part of growing up.

But I’m not just putting her on the pill. I just can’t do that. And I don’t think she wants me to do that. I want to believe she still isn’t ready for that.

I will talk with her. I will talk and I will listen. I will pray.

I guess this is where I have to put some faith in her, and God, and myself for being hopefully a good enough parent to her.

I know she will make mistakes. I just don’t want them to be the kind that alters the course of her life, or limits the opportunities she has. I know I can either drive her away or bring her closer to me with my actions. I am hoping for the latter. I love her so much, and I just want to fast forward through this part of parenting. I know I can’t force my beliefs INTO her head and heart. But at the same time I don’t think I need to give her the message that “I know you’re going to have sex, so here’s the pill.” I hope I know my daughter well enough to guide my decisions about what to do with her. My friend, at her age, was having sex. And lying to her parents about it easily. I hope I’m not that parent.

So we are going to talk, a LOT.

And time will tell.

 

 

Sleeping arrangements

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family bed

 

At what point after having a baby, do you separate from that child at night?

Does your little bundle have a room all to themselves from the first day? Do you wait a few months? Longer??

How about years? Like…..4, and counting.

I don’t know how it happened exactly, but my 2 youngest have never actually left my room. Well, I do have a pretty good idea of how it came about. Something along the lines of my husband saying “they aren’t leaving”… yep, that’s what it was.

At first, I was embarrassed to tell people. Because when it DID come up in conversation I would get those looks.  Incredulous. Confused. Even irritated. “Oh God, are you one of THOSE moms?”

I have been told I am hurting my children, somehow inhibiting their independence by not allowing them to sleep out of my room. I have been offered sympathy by women who know how my husband feels about having the kids sleeping alone, as I must surely suffer, huddled in a ball in the corner as those three take up all available sleeping space.

It WAS something I thought was wrong….at first. Because I did “the right” thing with my two oldest. At the proper time, dictated by family and society, they were moved to their own rooms. The oldest was fine, but I’m pretty sure she would have been just as great sleeping in the kitchen sink at night. She was just way too easy. Made it REALLY hard to have a normal baby after that. My second was not a great sleeper. I spent many nights running into his room, picking him up and standing next to his crib as I swayed with him until he slept again. He was 3 before I could just put him to bed and night and walk out of the room. My fault? I guess….because I don’t like to let kids cry, so I was willing to do what I needed to comfort him. It WOULD have been a lot easier if he’d have just slept in my room, but I never even thought that was a serious option.

Now with my 4 year old, his daddy kept delaying that move out of our room. At first I was exasperated. I felt like I was stunting his growth somehow by not taking that step, because every 5 month old needs his own place! I got upset over my husbands snoring, sure that it was going to cause a lifetime of sleep disturbances in my precious bundle. I argued that he needed to get used to being WITHOUT us ALL THE TIME, it was time for that kid to grow up! People close to us would ask if we’d put him into his own room yet. My half smile and eyes rolling would be the only answer.

A funny thing happened though. I noticed that every time I finally “put my foot down” about moving the boy out of our room… I would find excuses to delay it. Longer and longer. Well, the hallway was too long, I needed to wait until he was really good on his feet and we got some sort of gate attached to the top of the stairs before I could consider it. Then, I was afraid of him being disturbed by his older brother who had to get up and get ready for school early, surely it would wake him up each morning. After a while, we just stopped even discussing it.

During my pregnancy with the last one, I really thought I needed to move Sammy out….to give him a break from the newborn crying and night feedings that were sure to happen. My husband seemed to think that it would all work out and everyone would find a way to sleep. I dragged my feet, and then it was too late. I worried that moving him out right before the baby came would make him feel displaced and kicked out. So he stayed. And somehow it worked out.

I still remember when the baby was 5 weeks old. The first night I tried actually putting her to bed upstairs instead of keeping her downstairs with me until I went up. I was used to sitting with Sammy at night until he fell asleep. That night, I sat up on my bed holding the baby close in the dark, Sammy lying next to me as I rubbed his back. It was nice, and they both eventually slept. I put her in her crib, so worried she would wake and cry, bothering her brother at any moment. She didn’t wake until I was coming to bed, and fell back to sleep after nursing. That night started our new ritual, and most nights we do the same thing. Both kids fall asleep as we sit in the dark (as I read my kindle..guilty pleasure).

Thank God our room is big enough, although sometimes our bed isn’t. Although we move Sammy to his bed, he often ends back up in mine. The baby too, closer to morning. She gathers up her blanket and her binkie, stands up and waits for me to notice her. I do, her crib is right next to my head, and I pick her up and cuddle her next to me. Most of the time, she snuggles and goes back to sleep. Those moments are golden.

I am comfortable with this arrangement. I no longer feel ashamed, and I wonder why I ever did. Why does it bother people that we keep these guys with us during the night? I don’t think it has affected their ability to sleep at night. I didn’t do sleep training, I didn’t do cry it out. I’m too much of a wuss, really. And maybe I’m just too lazy. It’s a hell of a lot more stressful to listen to your child crying as you fight the urges you were programmed with….to answer them and comfort them.

I’ve already committed myself to broken sleep for years. I can take it. I really like having them in my room. It’s OUR room. Both the older kids went through spells of wanting to sleep in “mommy’s bed” It was a weekend thing for years, and then comes the time when your child doesn’t want that closeness anymore. They will always get to that point, when they want to pull away, and I miss it. So I appreciate it so much more with my current little ones, knowing those little warm bodies won’t be there to snuggle with me forever.

 

 

 

Do you think it’s a good idea to have kids?

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I have one sister. I’m glad I can say she’s one of my favorite people. My sister is married, going on 3 years now. She’s turning 30 this year.

Shit. That means I’m turning 39.

Ok, I’ll forget about that sadness for a minute. My point is, how many times a week do you think my sister gets asked about WHEN the babies are coming?

She’s passed the point of “enjoying her new marriage” and she’s heading into “I wonder if they can’t have kids???”.

We talk about it.

She seems to still be pretty much on the fence. In the years before she got married, she spoke of hoards of children, at least 6. But, then people around her started having kids. Or in my case, KEPT having kids. Gave her some food for thought.

When we talk on the phone, sometimes about having kids, she is used to the fact that I can’t focus on her completely. Because I am constantly interacting with one or several of my kids at the same time. I’m giving baths, getting them dressed, making them dinner, or yelling at them to clean up their toys…I’ve told her I want her to have kids just so she can be the one going crazy at the other end of the phone for once.

She sees the amount of WORK kids can generate for you. To an “outsider”, that can be pretty scary.

I have to admit, she’s got a pretty good think going right now. She’s got a great job, a great career actually. She’s been able to travel for work and pleasure. She sleeps in when she wants. Goes to bed when she wants. Eats when and what she wants. Goes out when she wants. She can watch ANYTHING she wants on TV, at ANY time. She spends time with her husband, just the two of them. Of course she’s a responsible person, with plenty of other obligations and duties….. but it’s just not the same as when you have kids. They do control your life. Just a little.

I don’t blame her for waiting.

I’m not saying I wish I’d waited. But I can see why someone without kids would want to wait…. And I can even see why people decide not to have kids. It’s the biggest job, the biggest commitment, the biggest THING some of us will ever do.

I will never forget how I felt when I found out I was pregnant for the very first time. SHOCK. FEAR. Excitement, giddiness, followed by that emptiness in the pit of my stomach…that “OH God, what did I just DO” feeling. That feeling that means things have just changed in a big way. The knowledge that there is no going back. I’ll never forget it.

I’ll also never forget the overwhelming sense of love I’ve felt for each of my kids. I’ve tried to explain to my sister as I’ve discussed the Pro’s and Con’s of bringing forth the fruit of my womb into this world. I admit, sometimes I’m afraid the Con’s outweigh the Pro’s, some days they definitely do.

I guess when it ends up being is a series of great moments that make IT worthwhile, those moments swimming in a sea of never ending laundry, diaper changing, missing puzzle pieces, teenage angst, and the impossibility of making everyone happy at the same time. Those moments are what you reach for, and hold onto for dear life, allowing you to keep treading water for a bit longer.

Is it worth it? God, I hope so. Right now, I feel it is. For ME it is.

But say I was someone who never had kids, would I buy all that crazy talk about how just knowing you helped create that little person is so worth the massive change to my lifestyle? Is it really rewarding enough to give up life as you know it?

I DON’T think it’s selfish for someone to not have kids. I mean, yea, it’s selfish in the very basic sense of the word. But that’s not a bad selfish. No one should have kids because they feel pressured to do it. Or because they feel they have an obligation. Or because society dictates that they SHOULD, because they’ve been married long enough and for some reason there is a time limit on the number of years you are allowed to just enjoy living with your spouse. You know why we get pissed at people who choose NOT to have kids? Personally, I think those people just want the rest of the world to be as sleep deprived and bitchy as the rest of us can be. Hell NO, you childless people are NOT going to have all the fun! Selfish bitches! Get pregnant!!

I think it’s ok to have kids, or not. I think my sis will probably end up taking the plunge, I can’t say I wouldn’t be crazy excited if she did. I would love to dote on a newborn without having PPD to ruin it for me! I expect she won’t be able to resist, and one day I will hold that little bundle of brown eyed cuteness that she is sure to produce. Or not. Whatever is ok. Because I definitely have enough to share with her. And now that they can all talk, and remind her that they need things like food and water sometimes…. I would almost trust her alone with them……

 

Afraid of the Dark

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Is anyone really NOT afraid of the dark?

From the time I was aware that I COULD be afraid…. I have been.

It started with that thing under my bed. That thing hiding under there that wants to grab my foot if I step too close. Only at night of course. So after getting ready for bed, I remember standing in the doorway. Turning off the light as I took a deep breath, and sprinted to the bed, launching myself from as far away as possible. Then I had mere seconds to cover up, all the way to the chin of course, and pretend I was asleep. If “the thing” found me awake, things would not be good for me. I HAD to pretend I was asleep to fool it.

Watching Poltergeist was not a good idea for me.

Nightmare on Elm Street…also not smart.

I sang the 10 commandments in the shower, which was in the basement of the house I grew up in. HORRIFYING. I would not sing number 5 (Thou Shall not Kill), because I didn’t want to put ideas into the heads of…..anything….. After showering, there was a gulp as I turned off the light and ran like hell across the dark basement, past the shadowy areas where God only knows what was hiding to grab me if I stopped or fell. Then up the stairs. Jesus, I hated showering in that house.

Freddy Krueger was also my fake best friend. At night, as I lie in bed waiting for his finger-blades to rip through my mattress, I would remind him of what good friends we were. ‘Cause Freddy would totally not kill his best friend. By this time I was 9 or 10. Who let me watch that movie???

Somehow I managed to watch The Exorcist. Scariest movie ever.  I shared a room with my little sister until I was 16.  I remember laying there in the dark, looking at her sleeping in the bed next to mine. Just WAITING for her to sit up, and stare at me with crazy glowing eyes as her head started spinning. I tried not to look at her.

I still won’t say “Candy Man” three times looking into a mirror. If I even think about it while looking in the mirror I get paranoid.

It does not help that I have felt compelled at times to watch horrifying and freakishly scary movies. My oldest and I have watched some together, she seems to enjoy how I fall apart but can’t stop watching at the same time.  She seems immune, she actually sleeps with her closet door OPEN.  And here I am, usually the last one up to bed at night…. As I turn off the lights before going upstairs, I imagine the “thing” in the basement stirring, and starting is ascent up the stairs towards me. Then, in the bedroom….I can’t run and jump into my bed anymore. As I walk to my side I wince before climbing into bed, just waiting for that hand to reach out and grab me.

No, scary movies didn’t cause this….but they certainly gave my imagination a lot to work with.

Is it just me, or do you sometimes think there might be a dead person in the shower with you, who somehow becomes visible only when you have to close your eyes?

Am I really surprised that my 4 year old is scared of the dark? He tells me often at night. “Mommy, I’m scared of the dark”. And I scoff, “Sammy, the dark is nice to sleep in, there is NOTHING to be afraid of!” I promise  him he is safe. I KNOW he is safe. I laugh about monsters, of course there are no monsters!

And I know this. I know I’m not going to wake up at 4am with one of the kids standing at the side of my bed, staring blindly before they attack me.  I know I am not going to be sucked under the bed, never to be seen again. I know a freaky girl isn’t going to crawl down the stairs after me because I drowned her in a well years ago.  There will be no head spinning, no mattress slashing, no clown strangling…..

But…. I’m still scared of the dark. And if I were to be honest with my 4 year old, I would tell him I totally get it when he tells me that he’s scared of the dark too.

 

How a painful childhood memory affected my parenting

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In case anyone is worried, you will not have to call child services after reading this.

I’m thinking about one of my horrible childhood memories….we all have some. This particular memory happened during the early part of first grade. I went to Catholic school. My teacher was a nun.

This sounds like there has to be a punch line, right?

On this day, it was cold enough outside that I was wearing pants. We wore plaid uniforms, and the pants were the same pattern and color as our jumpers. Dark green was the base, that’s all I remember.

I had to pee.

It was after lunch, but not yet time to go home. The fidgety irritation in my bladder had given way to a painful throbbing. I would NOT raise my hand to ask to use the bathroom. I remember thinking about it, wanting to do it….but I was too shy. I just could not do it.

As the teacher talked at the front of the class, I sat in the last chair in my row. Scooting up, slouching, changing positions to try to ease the insistent urge to pee. It was all I could think about.

In my desperation for relief, I had what I felt was an epiphany at the time. In retrospect…not so much. I reasoned with myself. Hey, this bladder feels like it’s just going to BURST open. Why not just let a LITTLE pee out….just a smidge. Oh…I’ll bet that will feel so much better and it will be just such a TINY bit that no one would possibly know. Just a few drops is all, really.

Ok, it SOUNDED reasonable in my 6 year old mind.

So I did it. Just intending to allow the smallest trickle of pee onto my seat. I knew it was horribly bad, but so was the pain in my bladder. And so was my shyness about letting the class know that I actually had to pee. The shame!

And so the stream started, and continued, the warm wetness quickly gushing beyond any trickle I had planned to release. A horrible mix of shame and relief as my bladder refused to close until fully emptied. I, in horror, sat and quickly realized a few things about peeing your pants in public. Mainly that the public becomes very aware of it.

I remember hearing the wet dripping as the urine dropped to the ground from my seat, turning to watch the yellow river flow from the puddle under my chair, all the way to the radiator behind my desk. Thank God no one sat right behind me.

Then it was over.

I was left with very wet pants. A tell tale yellow puddle under my chair, snaking it’s way out from behind me.

I had to go through the rest of the afternoon like this. My face was a big blotch. My chest was heaving with anxiety. I was frozen. No way could I tell the teacher, yet she KNEW. She saw. She said nothing. My pants got colder, still wet and stuck to me.

I had to get up at one point to walk to our reading group, and sit in a chair organized with others in a half circle around the teacher. She called me up to the board. I remember this, hearing my name, praying she didn’t mean to call me. I gave her a questioning look, yep, she meant me. I remember thinking no one could probably see the huge wet spot since my pants were so dark. I hoped.

Finally, the end of the day. Before dismissal, we all got on our knees and swept up under our desks with our hands, picking up any bits and pieces that might have dropped that day.

I knelt there, looking into that yellow puddle, unmoving under my desk. No way was I going to put my hands in that. I caught what I thought was a sympathetic look from a girl across from me, staring at my puddle as well. I waited, then stood up with everyone else, and finally left for the day. Leaving my shameful evidence behind.

I walked home from school. I don’t remember anyone teasing me, that didn’t start until the next day. I remember taking off those pants in my room, and balling them up. Hiding them in my closet. I never said anything to my mom. I don’t know how she ever found those pants to wash, she must not have noticed the smell when she did.

I won’t talk much about the teasing afterwards. Of course that happened. My nickname for a while was “Pee Pants Kim”. I had to switch lunch tables, it wasn’t fun.

What sticks in my mind more than that, was what happened when I came to school the next day. My teacher, the nun, stopped me before I went into the classroom. She waited until we were alone. She asked me why I hadn’t asked her to use the bathroom. I didn’t know how to explain this. I didn’t really KNOW why, except I didn’t want to ask, I didn’t want people to know that I had to pee. So I told her “I wanted to be the only one in class that didn’t ask”. She said nothing else. I wanted to ask her why she didn’t help me yesterday. Why she made me stand up, and call attention to myself in front of the class as I was dying inside. Of course I said nothing. I walked into the classroom half expecting my puddle to be waiting for me. Thank God, it was gone.

Fast forward 20+ years.

My daughter is in kindergarten. She asks her teacher to use the bathroom, but is consistently told “No”. This teacher doesn’t want music class interrupted for silly things like bodily functions.

I am LIVID.

After a very polite discussion with the teacher, where I make it known that I will work with Rachel about using the potty during designated times….as long as the teacher knows that if Rachel does still feel the need to pee at another time, she WILL be allowed to go…. I sit and talk with my kids.

I’ve had this talk with them several times since, as there are many teachers who feel children should fight their body’s natural urges to pee when it happens outside of the designated time assigned for them to have that urge.

I tell them first, definitely go to the bathroom when you have the chance. Just to avoid that discomfort in class, or the embarrassment I felt as a child, even daring to ask about peeing.

Then I tell them if you need to use the bathroom, ask. If your teacher says no, tell them you really need to go and it can’t wait. If the answer is still no…. you say sorry, you can’t wait, and you GO. and let ME deal with your teacher.

I have a no tolerance policy about this. I never want any of my kids to feel the shame and embarrassment I did back then. I also don’t want them to think they have permission to flout authority because mom says so, but bottom line, if they need to go they are allowed to go!

This was really an issue more in grade school with my kids, I could not believe how many teachers upfront will announce there are no potty breaks in their class. I realize children do learn to use the hall pass for a quick break, and teachers have to enforce rules to keep the class in line. But I know how it feels to be afraid to ask and the consequences of that. I have always tried to make sure my children felt more confident in themselves than I did, and ABLE to speak for themselves as I did not.

I’m glad to say I never had to duke it out with any teachers to protect my kids right to eliminate. BUT…. I was totally prepared to do so.

As I’ve grown up, I think back to my 6 year old self. That little girl finally did learn to speak up for herself, and continues to make sure her children know they are worth listening to, and allowed to make their feelings known. I feel so bad for the little girl I was back then, but so glad it happened to me, and not one of my kids.

Meal ideas I don’t want to forget!

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I’ve been doing this mom thing for a while now, it should have sunk in that every day I need to feed those kids! 3 meals, and snacks too….

Some days I just seem to forget every delicious or healthy things I’ve ever made them….

I peer into the fridge, wonder how I’m going to put together something with brussel sprouts, sweet potato’s, and kale in a way that they would actually eat.

I’ve actually never been able to do that. If someone can do that, please let me know how….

I alternate between feeling totally overwhelmed by the sheer volume of produce I have, and the sudden urge to find a way to use all of it right NOW. And I have no plan, because I was too busy playing pee pee potty with the youngest all morning, or playing with my new vacuum, which is actually playing for me, because I love to vacuum. I know it’s my fault, because I didn’t plan ahead, and now the natives are restless (actually they are most likely going about their business, ignoring me, but as the clock ticks I am desperate to feed them before they vanish in a puff of smoke…)

Really though…. I KNOW I’ve made them good stuff. Sometimes they really like it. Why then do I forget, and feel like I don’t ever know what to make?

So I have this idea.

Maybe it’s stupid, but I’m doing it.

Because life can be so busy, and I work several days during the week leaving less time for me to stand in front of the fridge, scratching my head…..

I am photographing the meals we like. The meals I want to keep making, because they taste good and are healthier than bologna and French fries.

Then I am keeping them in a file labeled under each type of meal (breakfast, lunch….). On my computer, or even on my phone.

OH, I am SO SMART!!

I think this is going to change my life. No more panic as I drive home at 5pm, reviewing what I have fresh and frozen in the house. Yes, I absolutely COULD make a menu for the week, or month. It would be a great idea if I cooked ahead, and sometimes I do. BUT…most of the time I don’t. This will be my saving grace on those days, or at least it will give the kids a fighting chance to avoid prepackaged, processed meals.

Here is how I’m starting:

Today, I did not work. So I had the time to make a good breakfast for the kiddies. My goal is to get them to eat fruits and vegetables with every meal. I like things to be as fresh as possible, at least something on their plate is usually raw, or close to it.

I’m celebrating the fact the the baby is over her fever, and actually eating again. I made the kids a little omelet with cheese and smoked turkey from Trader Joe’s… I love it when the package says nitrite and preservative free. Some cut up pear, and  some home made banana chocolate chip muffin to round it out. ….and, Wa-La!  Breakfast is served!

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I’m not saying we don’t do the Rice Krispy thing…. but I do like to make an effort when I can.

Lunch. It comes in the middle of each day. I find lunch to be the least stressful meal. Sometimes I will throw a bunch of things on a plate and let them pick whatever they want. I feel like lunch is way less serious than dinner.

Lunch today was black bean and cheese quesadillas with fruit salad. I love quesadillas, you can hide pretty much anything inside of one. I grated up zucchini along with the shredded cheese and the kids never knew. I feel like super mom when I give them 2 or more veggies in a single meal.

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Pretty impressive huh? And no children were harmed during the taking of these photos. I promise, he really ate it voluntarily.

Now, dinner is the thorn in my side.  If I have an amazing idea, it will usually pop into my head about 5:30, and I will not have the 4 hours it will take to bring it to life and onto the table. So I get discouraged and may dip into my stash of Trader Joe’s frozen something or other, and serve it with fresh veggies to make me feel better about not making it from scratch.

I’ve made some pretty great things, but damned if I can remember what they are when I’m stressing about what to get onto the table in the next 30 minutes. That is where my photo/recipe file is going to be a huge help. So I started today with grilled fish.

Not everyone loves fish, but I tend to like serving it because I feel like it will make everyone smarter and won’t clog our arteries. There is the usual arsenal of fish sticks that we all grew up on, and I’ve got them, but I buy fresh a lot….and then get really really frustrated when I want to make it in a fresh and creative way that won’t scare the kids away from eating it, and have no idea how to do that.

So tonight I just kept it simple. I planned to make it with a mango-avocado salsa, but my 13 year old begged me not to. Instead, I melted some butter, squeezed some lemon into it and added a couple cloves of fresh garlic. I put the Cod fillets on foil, brushed them with the butter mix, and sprinkled some fresh parsley on top. Wrapped it up and grilled it. It only took about 10 minutes and they were probably done in 6, I just didn’t check that early. I did heat up some fried rice, and served it all with steamed green beans.food2food1

Now, the 4 year old did not eat this meal smiling. But he did eat it, most of it. I’m going to keep this meal idea, but probably not as one of my favorites. The fish was good, but not special in any way. I think we all like a little more flavor to it, so I’ll keep looking for other ideas. The baby loves fish, so this was a no brainer for her.

BONUS!!!! As I was searching for yummy marinade recipes for my own dinner (grilled veggies), I came across a recipe I had to try.

Grilled nectarines with butter and Feta cheese. You can find the original recipe here:

http://www.bonappetit.com/recipe/grilled-nectarines-with-feta

Wow, it just so happens I had several nectarines on the verge of being too ripe.  I didn’t follow the recipe 100%, I just melted butter, brushed the top and bottom of the nectarine halves, stuffed them with feta cheese and stuck them on the grill on foil. I took them off after about 15 minutes.

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HEAVEN.

This is going into my recipe file under “amazingly awesome, fast, delicious, and perfect in every way”. Great with Brie and crackers, or just alone. a GREAT way to use up nectarines when they’ve all ripened at the same time and must be eaten within a day or end up getting too soft and yucky.

I’m going to be adding to my recipe stash. I’m really glad the kids ate well today, it totally cancels out the bowls of popcorn mixed with  twizzlers, and sour patch kids we had after dinner during “movie night”….