How a painful childhood memory affected my parenting

Posted on July 9, 2014 by momsranting

In case anyone is worried, you will not have to call child services after reading this.

I’m thinking about one of my horrible childhood memories….we all have some. This particular memory happened during the early part of first grade. I went to Catholic school. My teacher was a nun.

This sounds like there has to be a punch line, right?

On this day, it was cold enough outside that I was wearing pants. We wore plaid uniforms, and the pants were the same pattern and color as our jumpers. Dark green was the base, that’s all I remember.

I had to pee.

It was after lunch, but not yet time to go home. The fidgety irritation in my bladder had given way to a painful throbbing. I would NOT raise my hand to ask to use the bathroom. I remember thinking about it, wanting to do it….but I was too shy. I just could not do it.

As the teacher talked at the front of the class, I sat in the last chair in my row. Scooting up, slouching, changing positions to try to ease the insistent urge to pee. It was all I could think about.

In my desperation for relief, I had what I felt was an epiphany at the time. In retrospect…not so much. I reasoned with myself. Hey, this bladder feels like it’s just going to BURST open. Why not just let a LITTLE pee out….just a smidge. Oh…I’ll bet that will feel so much better and it will be just such a TINY bit that no one would possibly know. Just a few drops is all, really.

Ok, it SOUNDED reasonable in my 6 year old mind.

So I did it. Just intending to allow the smallest trickle of pee onto my seat. I knew it was horribly bad, but so was the pain in my bladder. And so was my shyness about letting the class know that I actually had to pee. The shame!

And so the stream started, and continued, the warm wetness quickly gushing beyond any trickle I had planned to release. A horrible mix of shame and relief as my bladder refused to close until fully emptied. I, in horror, sat and quickly realized a few things about peeing your pants in public. Mainly that the public becomes very aware of it.

I remember hearing the wet dripping as the urine dropped to the ground from my seat, turning to watch the yellow river flow from the puddle under my chair, all the way to the radiator behind my desk. Thank God no one sat right behind me.

Then it was over.

I was left with very wet pants. A tell tale yellow puddle under my chair, snaking it’s way out from behind me.

I had to go through the rest of the afternoon like this. My face was a big blotch. My chest was heaving with anxiety. I was frozen. No way could I tell the teacher, yet she KNEW. She saw. She said nothing. My pants got colder, still wet and stuck to me.

I had to get up at one point to walk to our reading group, and sit in a chair organized with others in a half circle around the teacher. She called me up to the board. I remember this, hearing my name, praying she didn’t mean to call me. I gave her a questioning look, yep, she meant me. I remember thinking no one could probably see the huge wet spot since my pants were so dark. I hoped.

Finally, the end of the day. Before dismissal, we all got on our knees and swept up under our desks with our hands, picking up any bits and pieces that might have dropped that day.

I knelt there, looking into that yellow puddle, unmoving under my desk. No way was I going to put my hands in that. I caught what I thought was a sympathetic look from a girl across from me, staring at my puddle as well. I waited, then stood up with everyone else, and finally left for the day. Leaving my shameful evidence behind.

I walked home from school. I don’t remember anyone teasing me, that didn’t start until the next day. I remember taking off those pants in my room, and balling them up. Hiding them in my closet. I never said anything to my mom. I don’t know how she ever found those pants to wash, she must not have noticed the smell when she did.

I won’t talk much about the teasing afterwards. Of course that happened. My nickname for a while was “Pee Pants Kim”. I had to switch lunch tables, it wasn’t fun.

What sticks in my mind more than that, was what happened when I came to school the next day. My teacher, the nun, stopped me before I went into the classroom. She waited until we were alone. She asked me why I hadn’t asked her to use the bathroom. I didn’t know how to explain this. I didn’t really KNOW why, except I didn’t want to ask, I didn’t want people to know that I had to pee. So I told her “I wanted to be the only one in class that didn’t ask”. She said nothing else. I wanted to ask her why she didn’t help me yesterday. Why she made me stand up, and call attention to myself in front of the class as I was dying inside. Of course I said nothing. I walked into the classroom half expecting my puddle to be waiting for me. Thank God, it was gone.

Fast forward 20+ years.

My daughter is in kindergarten. She asks her teacher to use the bathroom, but is consistently told “No”. This teacher doesn’t want music class interrupted for silly things like bodily functions.

I am LIVID.

After a very polite discussion with the teacher, where I make it known that I will work with Rachel about using the potty during designated times….as long as the teacher knows that if Rachel does still feel the need to pee at another time, she WILL be allowed to go…. I sit and talk with my kids.

I’ve had this talk with them several times since, as there are many teachers who feel children should fight their body’s natural urges to pee when it happens outside of the designated time assigned for them to have that urge.

I tell them first, definitely go to the bathroom when you have the chance. Just to avoid that discomfort in class, or the embarrassment I felt as a child, even daring to ask about peeing.

Then I tell them if you need to use the bathroom, ask. If your teacher says no, tell them you really need to go and it can’t wait. If the answer is still no…. you say sorry, you can’t wait, and you GO. and let ME deal with your teacher.

I have a no tolerance policy about this. I never want any of my kids to feel the shame and embarrassment I did back then. I also don’t want them to think they have permission to flout authority because mom says so, but bottom line, if they need to go they are allowed to go!

This was really an issue more in grade school with my kids, I could not believe how many teachers upfront will announce there are no potty breaks in their class. I realize children do learn to use the hall pass for a quick break, and teachers have to enforce rules to keep the class in line. But I know how it feels to be afraid to ask and the consequences of that. I have always tried to make sure my children felt more confident in themselves than I did, and ABLE to speak for themselves as I did not.

I’m glad to say I never had to duke it out with any teachers to protect my kids right to eliminate. BUT…. I was totally prepared to do so.

As I’ve grown up, I think back to my 6 year old self. That little girl finally did learn to speak up for herself, and continues to make sure her children know they are worth listening to, and allowed to make their feelings known. I feel so bad for the little girl I was back then, but so glad it happened to me, and not one of my kids.

Meal ideas I don’t want to forget!

Posted on July 4, 2014 by momsranting

I’ve been doing this mom thing for a while now, it should have sunk in that every day I need to feed those kids! 3 meals, and snacks too….

Some days I just seem to forget every delicious or healthy things I’ve ever made them….

I peer into the fridge, wonder how I’m going to put together something with brussel sprouts, sweet potato’s, and kale in a way that they would actually eat.

I’ve actually never been able to do that. If someone can do that, please let me know how….

I alternate between feeling totally overwhelmed by the sheer volume of produce I have, and the sudden urge to find a way to use all of it right NOW. And I have no plan, because I was too busy playing pee pee potty with the youngest all morning, or playing with my new vacuum, which is actually playing for me, because I love to vacuum. I know it’s my fault, because I didn’t plan ahead, and now the natives are restless (actually they are most likely going about their business, ignoring me, but as the clock ticks I am desperate to feed them before they vanish in a puff of smoke…)

Really though…. I KNOW I’ve made them good stuff. Sometimes they really like it. Why then do I forget, and feel like I don’t ever know what to make?

So I have this idea.

Maybe it’s stupid, but I’m doing it.

Because life can be so busy, and I work several days during the week leaving less time for me to stand in front of the fridge, scratching my head…..

I am photographing the meals we like. The meals I want to keep making, because they taste good and are healthier than bologna and French fries.

Then I am keeping them in a file labeled under each type of meal (breakfast, lunch….). On my computer, or even on my phone.

OH, I am SO SMART!!

I think this is going to change my life. No more panic as I drive home at 5pm, reviewing what I have fresh and frozen in the house. Yes, I absolutely COULD make a menu for the week, or month. It would be a great idea if I cooked ahead, and sometimes I do. BUT…most of the time I don’t. This will be my saving grace on those days, or at least it will give the kids a fighting chance to avoid prepackaged, processed meals.

Here is how I’m starting:

Today, I did not work. So I had the time to make a good breakfast for the kiddies. My goal is to get them to eat fruits and vegetables with every meal. I like things to be as fresh as possible, at least something on their plate is usually raw, or close to it.

I’m celebrating the fact the the baby is over her fever, and actually eating again. I made the kids a little omelet with cheese and smoked turkey from Trader Joe’s… I love it when the package says nitrite and preservative free. Some cut up pear, and some home made banana chocolate chip muffin to round it out. ….and, Wa-La! Breakfast is served!

I’m not saying we don’t do the Rice Krispy thing…. but I do like to make an effort when I can.

Lunch. It comes in the middle of each day. I find lunch to be the least stressful meal. Sometimes I will throw a bunch of things on a plate and let them pick whatever they want. I feel like lunch is way less serious than dinner.

Lunch today was black bean and cheese quesadillas with fruit salad. I love quesadillas, you can hide pretty much anything inside of one. I grated up zucchini along with the shredded cheese and the kids never knew. I feel like super mom when I give them 2 or more veggies in a single meal.

Pretty impressive huh? And no children were harmed during the taking of these photos. I promise, he really ate it voluntarily.

Now, dinner is the thorn in my side. If I have an amazing idea, it will usually pop into my head about 5:30, and I will not have the 4 hours it will take to bring it to life and onto the table. So I get discouraged and may dip into my stash of Trader Joe’s frozen something or other, and serve it with fresh veggies to make me feel better about not making it from scratch.

I’ve made some pretty great things, but damned if I can remember what they are when I’m stressing about what to get onto the table in the next 30 minutes. That is where my photo/recipe file is going to be a huge help. So I started today with grilled fish.

Not everyone loves fish, but I tend to like serving it because I feel like it will make everyone smarter and won’t clog our arteries. There is the usual arsenal of fish sticks that we all grew up on, and I’ve got them, but I buy fresh a lot….and then get really really frustrated when I want to make it in a fresh and creative way that won’t scare the kids away from eating it, and have no idea how to do that.

So tonight I just kept it simple. I planned to make it with a mango-avocado salsa, but my 13 year old begged me not to. Instead, I melted some butter, squeezed some lemon into it and added a couple cloves of fresh garlic. I put the Cod fillets on foil, brushed them with the butter mix, and sprinkled some fresh parsley on top. Wrapped it up and grilled it. It only took about 10 minutes and they were probably done in 6, I just didn’t check that early. I did heat up some fried rice, and served it all with steamed green beans.

Now, the 4 year old did not eat this meal smiling. But he did eat it, most of it. I’m going to keep this meal idea, but probably not as one of my favorites. The fish was good, but not special in any way. I think we all like a little more flavor to it, so I’ll keep looking for other ideas. The baby loves fish, so this was a no brainer for her.

BONUS!!!! As I was searching for yummy marinade recipes for my own dinner (grilled veggies), I came across a recipe I had to try.

Grilled nectarines with butter and Feta cheese. You can find the original recipe here:

http://www.bonappetit.com/recipe/grilled-nectarines-with-feta

Wow, it just so happens I had several nectarines on the verge of being too ripe. I didn’t follow the recipe 100%, I just melted butter, brushed the top and bottom of the nectarine halves, stuffed them with feta cheese and stuck them on the grill on foil. I took them off after about 15 minutes.

HEAVEN.

This is going into my recipe file under “amazingly awesome, fast, delicious, and perfect in every way”. Great with Brie and crackers, or just alone. a GREAT way to use up nectarines when they’ve all ripened at the same time and must be eaten within a day or end up getting too soft and yucky.

I’m going to be adding to my recipe stash. I’m really glad the kids ate well today, it totally cancels out the bowls of popcorn mixed with twizzlers, and sour patch kids we had after dinner during “movie night”….

Pee-Pee Potty!!

Posted on June 21, 2014 by momsranting

So the baby is 18 months, and I’ve had all the potty chairs and potty inserts for the big toilets out for about a month.

I’m not crazy. I just want her to be really, really comfortable with the idea of using the potty.

And then I want her to just USE it.

She likes it. She sits on the potty when she wants to. Sometimes I’ve gotten her to pee on it. And next to it.

Sometimes she likes to stand in her potty too.

I’m so excited. SO excited to know that diapers will be off my shopping list one day. Soon I hope. But also not expecting miracles. So far my other three had completely different potty-training experiences so who know what this one has in store for me. I have amassed a vast array of potty training accessories from the last one. He was by far the most difficult.

I’ve got the “Potty Power” video. (corny, but he loved to watch it and sing/dance along). I’ve got a monkey that says he has to go potty, asks you to put him on his potty, and his little potty will flush too. I got the “Joshua” potty book that came with a potty chair that looks just like his. I’ve got a potty that looks like a frog. A potty that looks like a throne, complete with toilet paper holder and flushing handle. Of COURSE it plays royal music when you pee into it! Two potty seat inserts for the regular sized toilets. We made sticker calendars for the potty, but that only really worked with my first….for her that calendar was all she needed to go diaper free in 2 days.

I have forced everyone in my house to sing “pee-pee potty” over and over and over….. and I will do it again.

I do think I’ve learned some things, some weird facts and some helpful tips even. Like, for some reason, my kids would NOT pee if they didn’t have a diaper or underwear on. Seriously, with the 2 boys at least, if I just put a longer shirt to cover their little butt… both of them would take themselves potty and not have accidents. I learned this from my first boy, who took matters into his own hands and trained himself by going commando at every opportunity until I gave up trying to keep him covered. In big boy pants by his 2nd birthday. DONE.

My last one….wow. I didn’t realize a child under 2 could already have issues about pooping in front of people. He initially would not poop at all unless it was in his pants (pull ups). I slowly managed to get him to at least stand in the bathroom instead of behind a chair, and then sit on the potty-in his pull up, and then with the sides open…. eventually I had him pooping on his potty INTO his pull up. It NEEDED to be there or he would freak out. One day I changed it to toilet paper, I had to line the bottom of his potty, and once he did it once or twice he was ok with it. He had some issue with his poop just dropping into the unknown, or into a cold plastic container I guess. He was also the only one in pull ups, which initially I found to be AMAZING…and later hated as I found myself too weak to break the habit time and time again.

That little guy was 2 and a half before we could say he was potty trained. I spent a year working on that. When I got rid of the disposable training pants, and used good old fashioned cotton pants, with a nice baggy vinyl cover on over it (protecting the furniture)… he was trained in no time. But before that, time and again I talked about getting rid of the pull ups, to be met with horror on my husbands face, no doubt imagining his living room saturated with pee puddles and poopy piles.

(vinyl diaper/training pant covers… got mine from amazon.com, where I get most fun things)

I think this time around…. I have to be strong. I have to do it without pull ups. I really think they are a huge factor in delaying potty training. They really ARE just diapers. Diapers that pull on and off, that have a little picture on the front that gets all fuzzy when they pee. We all KNOW they can pee in them, the kids know they can pee in them, so even if we all pretend they should definitely NOT pee in them….there isn’t a whole lot of discomfort if they do.

I think when they actually realize they have this soggy mess in their pants…. and the clean up is a little bit more difficult than pull off, and pull on…. they might have more incentive to get to that potty. It’s a theory…. I’ll see how it goes without using them this time.

For now, this is something fun and different for baby Jenna. She started grabbing her diaper and saying “Uh-Oh” sometimes when she pees. She wakes up dry a lot from naps and in the morning….and usually will let me sit her on the potty for a bit to pee at those times. Sometimes she pees even! We talk about the potty, we say goodbye to the pee pee as we flush it, she even knows we wash our hands after all the potty business.

I still have a picture somewhere on this computer of Sammy’s poop. In the potty. he was so excited, he wanted to take a picture. Absolutely I let him, and we couldn’t wait to show EVERYONE as they came home! It’s a big deal!!

I promise I’m not a Nazi potty training mom. I would never force a child to sit against their will, or make them feel bad about going potty in their pants. Accidents happen, they HAVE to happen so they can be learned from. BUT… I can still hope. Here is my hope: Jenna will play like this with the potty for the next several months, then suddenly, wake up and understand completely what she needs to do. She will take off her diaper, and inform me that she wants big girl pants now, please. Pink.

And we will live happily ever after……

My toddler stopped eating last week

Posted on June 11, 2014 by momsranting

You would think that after having 4 kids, and keeping all of them alive for a number of years…… that I would not be phased by a recent decision by my 18 month old to quit eating.

But I hate it. I really hate it when they don’t eat. I NEED her to eat a meal again!

Mentally, I’m a mess.

This may go back to my initial post partum depression/anxiety after I had the kids. I noticed even after feeling “better”, that I had this thing about them eating. I did everything around their feeding schedule in the beginning-which is normal…. but then even later I put way too much emphasis on what time they needed food.

Even taking Sammy to Boston right before he turned 3, I remember my mini anxiety attack as we were unable to get somewhere to feed him lunch fast enough for my liking. He was fine, not even asking about food….but I was melting down, like he was going to absolutely shrivel up and blow away without a meal in his stomach right NOW.

So, the kids eating seems to be really important to me. Must tie in to that whole sustaining life thing…..

Logically, I KNOW that it’s normal for toddlers to decide not to eat. Or only eat cheerios for a week, things like that. Sammy went a good month or so at this age refusing everything unless I coated it in applesauce.

But with Jenna, this just came out of nowhere. She loves food! She eats EVERYTHING, always has. Even ethnic foods, she’ll try anything. It’s not teething, she’s done, everything is in. I’d like to blame it on her cold, which she’s had for literally a month now….but why stop eating this far in?

I think she’s toying with me.

All her favorite things, no longer interested. Weirdly, she’s always loved veggies more than fruit. So it’s not surprising when she tastes mango or banana and just lets it drop out of her mouth. But brussel sprouts??? Asparagus and green beans?? If I try to get her to eat a bite, she will tell me no. Try it again, she yells at me and literally bangs her head on the back of her chair. I want to bang my head too.

The old tricks don’t work anymore, like Katy Perry videos on Youtube to distract her, or lately we are watching songs about colors and numbers in Arabic. She still likes them, but that mouth stays closed.

I know I’ve gone through this before. Why is it still so frustrating? Why haven’t I figured out how to handle this gracefully yet?

Seriously. She refused a chocolate chip cookie today. There is something wrong.

I’ve taken to googling phrases like “my toddler won’t eat”, “my 18 month old hates food”, “my daughter hates me”….. and find nothing more than other parents who are scratching their heads as well, pretty much saying the same things, but so far no one has THE ANSWER.

Ok. I know the answer. She’ll eat when she’s hungry. Keep offering her healthy choices. Don’t give her a bunch of crap between meals to ruin her appetite for good food. She won’t starve. Get your head out of the oven. I know… I know…..

But it sucks!!

She is not starving. She is not losing weight. She still has a chubby belly, and fills her diapers like nobody’s business. I know this will pass, one of the less fun aspects of raising a toddler. But I would still like to bitch about it, just this once.

You know that feeling you have when you KNOW your child has a full tummy of good food? Yea, I want that again. I want to feel like I’m doing a good job and nourishing my babies.

She just needs to know this and cooperate. Dammit.

Why do people take Kids to Vegas???

Posted on June 1, 2014 by momsranting

because Vegas is fun for kids too!!!

…and also maybe because you have no one to watch your children….ever……

We just got back from Vegas. Our third time with little ones. This time we took the 4 and 1 year olds. The older kids wanted nothing to do with this trip. I don’t understand how two teenagers would not JUMP at the chance to hang out for 5 days with two adults and two little ones… all. day. long.

Usually when I tell people I’m going to Vegas, they assume it’s just me and the hubby. When I tell them we are bringing the kids I am met with silence until that person realizes there is no punch line. “What??”… “WHY would you do that, WHAT can you DO with kids in Vegas???”

Well, once you get past the things you can’t do, like gambling, clubbing, seeing shows, or various naked opportunities….. there is plenty! Seriously, they don’t joke about gambling in Vegas. My husband and I don’t gamble to begin with, but the first time I took Sammy he was a year old. He wanted to see the lights in the casino so I walked up to a slot machine with him just to look at the lights and colors. It was morning, we were passing through the casino for breakfast. As I stood there, apparently off the specially marked trail, a security guard swooped down and yelled at me to step away from the game!! And then proceeded to tell me I could be fined thousands of dollars for letting my baby gamble. This is how I learned to stay off carpet in the casino area. Scary!!

Vegas itself is like a wonderland for the senses, the place is always ON, much like a toddler. We’ve been there during all seasons, and love it the most during Thanksgiving. The place is celebrating Christmas already and hotels all have their special themes, characters dressed up, music playing inside and outside, games, free shows. We went over Memorial day weekend this time, which unfortunately coincides with massive amounts of college kids looking to drink and party there as well. Other than one day that felt like our hotel was really a frat house, we still had a great time.

There are tons of things to do with your kids, and there are more and more families there every time we go.

What do we like the most??

Bellagio. The fountains outside never get old. And they play frequently during the day and night. Even my 1 year old was mesmerized by the dancing water, especially at night with the lights making it look more magical. We stopped there every day.

Bellagio also has an amazing area off the main lobby to walk through, their botanical garden. They change the theme with seasons and we always enjoy seeing what the next look will be. Probably the baby does not care at all about this, but the adults and even the 4 year old enjoyed it. The hotel is HUGE. We can explore all the main halls, containing conference rooms and ballrooms, the outside public patio, and end up having ice cream or tea and pastry in this hallway that we end up looking for and finding each year. There is also a huge chocolate fountain, behind glass, that takes up part of the ceiling and a wall in the Jean Philippe Patisserie. This is located just past the botanical garden area. VERY expensive, but fun and delicious. They have all sorts of candy and ice cream.

Besides Bellagio, there are plenty of other places to take the kids for free entertainment. Ours loved the aquarium located in the Forum Shops at Caesars Palace. There is also a show in this area about the fall of Atlantis, using animatronic figures to depict the King of Atlantis and his two bratty kids. Daughter who rules the water, and son who rules fire. Skip to the end, they can’t agree on who should rule the kingdom, so all perish in a fiery/watery death as a big bird, maybe a dragon??, attempts to drag the King away. There is no real violence, it’s just suggested, the figures really just lower back down into the ground. It’s really not scary by my kids standards, but there were a couple kids crying in front of us. Mine liked the lights, and flashes of fire and bursts of water as the son and daughter bickered about who should rule the kingdom.

Other shows are outside, like the Volcano show at the Mirage. It’s basically fire bursting set to drum beats that build in tempo until a big finale. This is one we kept trying to take the kids to, but they were always asleep in the stroller by the time we got there. I have watched it close up, as well as from across the street. I actually liked across the street better because it’s easier to walk away when it’s over, less crowded. Also, the end of the show features a huge burst of fire from the main volcano, it is HOT. It’s even hot from across the street.

There are a ton of people dressed up as cartoon characters. Not to mention Victorias Secret “Angels”, bikers wearing pleather with buttless pants, and even girls topless with just their chests painted with Vegas slogans. Thankfully, we got no questions from the 4 year old. The baby was oblivious until someone dressed up as a very tall Yoda decided to come up to her and say Hi. She screamed like I’ve never heard before, I actually wish I had it on tape. Poor kid, scared the hell out of her. Then, the guy felt bad so he keep the mask on, and proceeded to try talking to her and waving from a few feet away. We had to leave the area to get her fingers pried off of my neck.

The shopping malls attached to the hotels in Vegas are nothing like the malls at home. The Venetian features a Gondola ride inside as well as outside the hotel. We rode twice, and were serenaded by our, uh, boat person? with two songs for each ride. They sing very well, and the acoustics inside the mall really add to the sound. In addition to every store you’d want to see, the mall itself is decorated like you are actually outside in Italy. the ceiling is made to look like blue sky with clouds, there are cobblestone “streets”, and cute storefronts made to look like old time buildings. The mall at Paris and Caesars are similar. There are areas inside all of these places with some form of entertainment or another. Portrait painting, people dressed in costume, tons of restaurants and gelato stands, as well as the unique offerings of each place make them all worth visiting. The kids were not bored, finding too many things to look at and do. There are fountains EVERYWHERE, so we probably threw away part of my retirement in pennies and nickels for the kids.

Of course, there is swimming. I’m not a big swimmer, hate to wear a bathing suit. I did it for the kids, and they loved the water. The Venetian has several pools, no bells and whistles for the kiddies, but there is one pool that ranges from 1 foot to 14 inches deep only. We stayed there, and both kids were in their glory. Sammy pretended he was swimming by just floating on his belly and walking with his hands on the bottom of the pool. Jenna tried to drink the entire thing, tried to back float, and screamed like a banshee whenever I tried to remove her.

Visiting other hotels is worth it, they each have a theme and usually some attraction that draws people to check it out at least once. EVERYTHING is done over the top. We also rode the “high roller”, the worlds tallest Ferris Wheel. For the 4 of us, it would have been about $100 to go at night, and it cost about $70 to go during the day. You have to either buy tickets ahead of time and reserve a time, which scared me with trying to plan what the kids would feel like…. or you can go and wing it, buying tickets before you board. It’s always busier at night because Vegas looks amazing all lit up. It takes 30 minutes to get up and back down.

Everywhere you go, people are pointing cameras and snapping photos. I do the same thing, no matter how often I go.

We made it through our trip, snapping photos like the savvy tourists we are….. the only thing I felt bad about was the lack of pictures featuring ALL of us together. I’ve got plenty of myself or my husband standing in front of this or that, holding one or 2 struggling children who refuse to look at the camera, at least not at the same time. Then, we had a MOMENT. Just accidentally playing with the iPhone and snapped a beauty, we were all facing the same way, and no one was crying!

So….go. Take your kids. I may see you there!

My girls, at the beginning and the end.

Posted on May 15, 2014 by momsranting

Today, my first baby turned 17.

This is when she was just a couple months old…if that.

And this is us today…. she is bigger than me now!

I have one year left at home with this one, before she heads off to college. I know I won’t be close to having an empty nest yet….but she will be sorely missed as a daily presence in my life. She has magically grown into this….person….who I have come to depend on in so many other ways than simply as a child, the first of four.

she is coming to the end of childhood, of her teenage years, and the start of adulthood. REAL adulthood. And all the joys and horrors that come with it.

I am happy for her, terrified for her, but mostly really, really excited for her.

I sat with her at a college visit last week, almost crying as I pictured her maturing and changing into a bona fide grown up during those years away at school. All the opportunities open to her, I can’t wait to see where life takes her, and I can’t BELIEVE we are at this point already…… I just had her. I can relive that day, I still see that purple baby they put on my stomach, me rubbing her foot, not really knowing what else to do, not able to register yet that my life had just changed in an immeasurable way. A wonderful way.

And then I look over here…..

And see my 17-month old taking her first half-naked selfie…with MY phone!

And I wonder…… am I strong enough to go through this again?

Of course, raising a daughter is difficult. Is it possible for me do as well with this one? And whose to say I had anything to do with the first one turning out so well? (so far!)

I can look back on the times my oldest has hated me, the times I’ve truly disliked her. The lies I’ve caught her in, the “discussions” about why certain things are NOT ok for her to do. The worries, the heartbreaks, and the accomplishments along the way.

The maternal RAGE when my child has been hurt, teased, bullied. Because sadly, it seems to happen to everyone at some point.

Oh, it’s not easy for girls to grow up.

I can say from my own experience, and the collective experience of so many girls and women I know….. the teen years pretty much suck. High school is generally something we would prefer not to go back to. Ever. For so many reasons, much of it due to the fact that it is PAINFUL to be a teen. Transitioning between childhood and adulthood, it is not a great place to be in many ways. We take our uncertainty out on our peers, on ourselves, and of course, on our hapless parents. There is a reason it’s call teen angst.

Talking to my oldest today about how much different life is after the high school drama is over….and looking at my 17 month old, who has no clue what it means to feel unsure of yourself, or worried about what your peers think of you….who could care less if the other tots like her new sundress or not.

I’ve got one daughter at the end of her childhood, and one just beginning. I hope I can be whatever each of them needs, whenever they need it. I hope my oldest will be there to help guide the youngest, providing sisterly advice that will probably trump my motherly advice.

I hope, I hope, I hope.

And I hope, in the end, that I haven’t screwed up too badly. That my girls remain as close to me as we are now, even closer. I hope they live happily and love deeply….. and grow to be strong, independent women.

And of course, if they are ever blessed with daughters…… I will wish for them the same thing my mom, and millions of moms have wished for their own daughters……

“I hope you have a daughter JUST LIKE YOU!!!”….

Hey, I really liked my kids today!!

Aside | Posted on May 11, 2014 by momsranting

Today was a good day.

This morning, I wouldn’t have thought it was going to turn out this well. The 4 year old has had a fever since yesterday, and wanted his feet rubbed, back rubbed, and all spare moments dedicated to his comfort….as is expected for a sick little boy….or maybe any sick boy/man….??

The 13 year old had to perform in a concert at school but waited until the last possible moment to start worrying about what time he needed to be there, and what time he needed me to come bring him home. Not to mention the clothes I’d been asking about all week, “do you know where your dress pants are, are they clean???” Of course, I found them in his closet today, clean and crumpled, and ironed them strictly to save my own reputation as a “good mom” with the other parents who would see him.

The 16 year old, who will be 17 in a matter of days, was full of attitude after waking up before 6am to play in two softball games. The two teens bickered like old women about who cleaned their bathroom last, and who should have to vacuum the basement for me.

16 month old was destined to be the favorite today. Even after painting herself with mandarin oranges and squishing them into her hair.

I was doing my usual weekend cleaning, yelling, cooking, cleaning, changing diapers, folding laundry, moving furniture, more cleaning and begging the oldest two to please stop insulting each other for the love of all things holy.

Then it happened.

It was like the stars suddenly aligned.

Somehow, we all ended up in each others company……not yelling, screaming, crying, fighting or causing damage of any kind.

They played together! Definitely, having the baby helped, as her amazing adorableness can soften the most jaded of teenage hearts. We laughed as Jen-Jen entertained us as only a toddler can, with her budding vocabulary and love of imitating everyone around her.

Dinner was enjoyable. What??!! How often do I get to say that? So often lately it’s broken up by the sports schedules of the two oldest, I end up cooking for the youngest two, and then hours later the others will wander in, dirty, tired and somehow not hungry for anything I’ve made. Lately, a meal with all kids together is rare. Even more rare is a meal with no arguments of any kind, no 4 year old turning his nose up at….EVERYTHING I make….. , and no baby deciding to chuck her cup, and often parts of her meal, at my head the moment she decides she’s full. No warning!

Tonight felt so special. Jenna didn’t spit anything out at me, bonus. Sammy was feeling better, and ate some sweet potato and fruit. the older two actually finished off all the grilled fish, and LIKED IT!! There was good natured talking at the table, no fighting, not even a little!

My oldest and her friend even went grocery shopping with me and the baby later, to TWO STORES! Nary a sigh was heard. I’m sure the chocolate I bought them didn’t hurt. The girls even made dessert.

We laughed more later at the antics of the baby, crawling after a tiny ant in the kitchen, and blowing on her toes to imitate me after I’d painted them. My 13 year old made me two cups of iced tea. Count them, two…..and I didn’t even ask, well not for the second one. There was a point we were all laughing and joking in the kitchen together. I thought about how happy I was, how nice this felt, briefly wondered if we were somehow all high…quickly dismissed it….

It was a night just made to enjoy. One of those nights you don’t want to end, you just want to keep it going.

A perfect night to savor being a mom. I felt like all four kids liked me, at the same time. And I liked them all too! No one screaming for me to pick them up, no one tattling or arguing. I didn’t feel worn out, as I tend to do by the end of a long day…but instead energized, and grateful.

I have had a day with my four, and I felt loved, enjoyed, happy. I didn’t have to force any of them to share my company, I didn’t even have to battle wits or make empty threats for it happen.

Tomorrow we will celebrate our traditional mothers day, but it may not be magical. I doubt the greatness of today can stretch that far, surely someone will remember how annoying everyone else is by then!

But these days, when they happen, are the most special. They remind me of what to tell people who want to know why on earth I chose to have all these kids. Because I don’t think anything comes close to the happiness these kids can bring. It reminds me on other, less perfect days….what our potential is. Even if we don’t quite reach it all the time. Just makes it all the more amazing when we do.

In honor of my Grandma, for Mothers Day.

Posted on May 7, 2014 by momsranting

Oh, I know you think this is going to be some sappy post about how much I love my sweet granny, and how there is just no one like her in the world.

Well, I guess that is half right. There really was no one like my Gram, but she would kick my ass if I ever got sappy when talking about her.

Gram was a tough lady, she had to be. She gave birth to 10 kids and managed to raise them all into successful men and women, keeping them in line and never tiring of all the work that comes with such a brood.

Of course, I didn’t meet her until a bit later…..

Now my first memories don’t give justice to the greatness of that woman. I used to stand in her bedroom doorway as a little kid, probably 3 or 4, and watch her snoring as she slept. I hid a piece of bologna in her yellow pages once when I didn’t want it, and the garbage somehow didn’t seem a viable option. I remember her always wearing a housedress, always being in the kitchen, always cooking. She was no nonsense, but never scary. Grandma cooked real food, rolling out noodles for chicken soup, tirelessly pressing down edges on pierogi’s, she always had something boiling on the stove.

My family moved a few cities away when I was about 5, so we saw her less often, but visits were all that much more exciting. Her house meant eating dry roasted peanuts and drinking Tang. It meant listening to her talking and laughing with my mom, and whoever else was there. Buckeye fights in the backyard, and country music always playing softly in the kitchen. It was always a place to look forward to.

In my teens, and especially after I could drive, I could visit grandma myself. Usually I went with a cousin who was like a sister to me. Gram loved having us visit, and we loved the attention from her. We could walk to her house from my cousins house, sometimes making up games on the way. “Ok, here’s the deal, you have to get in there and get a dryer sheet, a graham cracker, and get Grandma to say “hot pickle pants” before we leave. There was an unfortunate incident that resulted in breaking one of her glass jars as we dared each other to see if we could get parts of our body to fit into it, while we stood at the top of her concrete basement stairs…. One of the few times she actually got fed up with us, and may have threatened us with a broom in some way….

Grandma had a way of forcing you to take things from her. She’d come to me and grab my hand, shoving a five dollar bill into my palm. As I started to refuse, she’s just talk over me, somehow talking through her nose and her clenched teeth at the same time in this slurry, hurried, loud whisper “Kimmy, just take it, use it for gas money, don’t you give me that crap…” talking over me until I gave up, and gave her a hug, and thanked her. This is how she forced me to take $100 from her when I got my first job out of high school, she bought my first outfits for work.

As I got older, we talked more and more. She was never bossy, never pushy. She was never one of those “woe is me” ladies that might seem like a chore to visit. She would tell us stories of her growing up, good times and bad. One thing I always loved is that you could ask her anything, ANYTHING….and she would not be offended. When with my cousin, we would sometimes even try to shock her with questions, I am sure completely inappropriate. So many times she would just start laughing in her unique way, free and loud, inviting you to laugh with her. She’d just say “you girls are crazy!”

My grandma didn’t drive, and didn’t get out much with all those kids. Even after her own kids were mostly grown, she somehow ended up watching a lot of us grandkids. The woman never tired of us. Perhaps because she didn’t have much excitement in her life, on the rare occasion she did get out, she made sure to enjoy herself. This was usually at a family cookout, or reunion. Gram wasn’t a drinker, but she did like an occasional beer. It was a standing joke, if grandma has a beer, you don’t want to be the one standing next to her. Without a doubt, something will set her off laughing, and with the laugh would come a swinging arm punch to the closest person, just to punctuate her happiness.

Grandma spent some of her golden years living alone in an apartment, I think the first time she had ever been alone in her life. It was during this time she had her heart attack, and my aunt that normally spoke with her the most must have been out of town. I remember being at work, and grandma called me, or maybe my mom called me to tell me gram was having chest pain and refused to go to the hospital. That crazy lady sat at home during her heart attack and refused to call EMS. Finally, she agreed to let me take her to the hospital so I drove like a maniac all the way. Somehow she likes to think I saved her, I didn’t, but that began an even deeper love between us.

When I decided to go back to school for nursing, grandma was my biggest cheerleader. When I continued on to get my Masters, she rallied even harder. I can’t tell you what a high it is to know there is one person who truly believes you hang the moon….. and I didn’t deserve it at all, but I somehow earned a place of honor in my grandmas affections. I had a rocky relationship with some relatives, and as Gram got older, she took perverse pleasure in extolling my virtues to all those who least wanted to hear it. She would tell me with glee, “I don’t let ANYONE say anything bad about my Kimmy!!” She was incorrigible.

I would come visit her, and sometimes it would only be once or twice a month….. we’d decide on where to get lunch from and there were specific instructions I had to follow. I was NOT allowed to order food on the way, no no no, it would be soggy, or cold for sure. I had to wait til I got to the restaurant, and then wait. Of course I still ordered on the way, I had kids with me usually and sitting and waiting for 20 minutes with a newborn is never a smart idea. If Gram found out….oh, she was pissed. Grumble, grumble…somehow everything tasted wrong. This is something we laugh about now, trying to outsmart grandma, and never quite being able to do it.

She was just so thankful for anything you gave her, any time you spent with her. It made me feel so good to be with her, especially with her always telling me how special I was…and once I started working on my Masters, she would end our visit with a stern face, “Kimmy….you better finish!!” I would promise her, and the plan was for her to be around for that.

The one thing I didn’t ever want to face was losing her. Even as a child, I talked with her about this. I made her promise to come see me if she could after she died, but not to scare me. Just to let me know that everything is ok. I know as the years passed that it had to happen, but I would tell her later that she wasn’t allowed to die ever.

Well, Melanoma came around….with other ideas.

Let me just say that there has never been an easier patient. Every hospitalization brought her new friends and admirers. She loved making friends with the nurses, and teasing the doctors. She never wanted to be a burden on anyone, and she never was. Her melanoma started in a very unusual place, and she was asked if her case could be used for teaching purposes, complete with photos and everything. My grandma, that so refreshingly non-traditional old lady actually joked about posing for x-rated photos…..and how it took this long in life for someone to ask her. We laughed in the face of her stupid cancer.

Near the end, it was difficult. At the time of her passing, she had all of her children, and a few of us grandchildren around her. We spent days sitting next to her, many times all sharing her bed, wanting to be as close as possible.

Now something you should now about my grandma, she was never one to throw around the “I love you’s”…. she let you know how she felt in a million other ways, but to get her to say that was a rarity.

The last time she and I spoke, when she was ABLE to speak…… she said two things to me. She made me PROMISE to finish school. And she told me she loved me.

One year later, I did finish my Masters. Happiness marred only by not being able to see the smile on her face.

But she knows.

I talk to my grandma all the time. I like to think she can hear me, that she’s following along with my life. I know I have been blessed to have her in my life, although I selfishly wanted more time.

This Sunday will be the second Mothers Day without my Grandma. I just want her to know that it sucks without her, but I am carrying on, and thinking of her always makes me smile, and sometimes cry too. I miss her everyday, and still catch myself wanting to call her, or run over for a visit. Sometimes I really miss her advice.

I am so thankful I knew my Grandma so well. I hope anyone reading this takes a moment to think about their mom, grandmother, loved ones in general….. and realizes that there isn’t always tomorrow. Say your I love you’s today. Buy flowers, stop over for a visit, let the people in your life know you love them. And THANK them for loving you.

Nursing Secrets and “Live Boobs”

Posted on March 29, 2014 by momsranting

pumping is fun!

I never was the mom who was able to nurse her baby exclusively for that first 6 months. I wasn’t the mom who was able to continue nursing for the first whole year, or even beyond. I didn’t even nurse ALL of my children!!

I tried nursing my firstborn, for like 1 day.

I gave up before even starting to nurse my 2nd, partly because I was freaked out by the lactation specialist touching my naked boobs.

Third time around, I dug my heels in and decided I WAS going to nurse. Dammit. My husband was extremely supportive (2nd husband, this was his first baby), and the baby latched on like a champ the first time I held him.

Too bad I HATED IT!!!! I did, I’m sorry, but I did. I still did it, but struggled with myself the whole time, hating it, but not knowing exactly why I hated it. I know that my PPD had a role in my thoughts. We went 2 months with me as his sole source of food. During that time I learned to pump. Hated it too….at first. Ended up being GREAT at milking myself….and froze a million bags of milk. Out of milk by 4 months.

Last baby, I’d set a precedent, of course I was going to nurse….. and she sucked at sucking. Ended up giving up breast feeding after a couple weeks and exclusively pumped and fed her my milk from bottles. I really, really liked that. I think it worked better for my OCD. I could see how much I was pumping, how much she was eating, I could work on some sort of schedule….. all necessary things for happiness in my very structured brain. Baby Jenna got the benefit of mommy milk for a good 5 months.

So I know I wasn’t perfect at it. I’m jealous of my Bestie who did nothing when her babies were infants except sit around and nurse them. All day long. Switching them from side to side. over and over and over. And she felt a loss when her kids self weaned, she still misses it. She is all that I am not.

I think the only time I didn’t feel slightly bothered by nursing was in the middle of the night. I do remember those nights still, with my little Sammy. It was only then that I felt no pressure or need to do anything else, I wasn’t “wasting time”, or taking time away from anything else. For those night feedings it was just him and me. He nursed the best at night, and I remember as he got a little bigger we would just stare into each others eyes…sometimes I’d smile, then he’d smile, back and forth like a couple of loons…. I’d have to look away to get him to start nursing again. Yea, I did enjoy that.

Ok. So. Now I’ll tell you all the weird and cool things about nursing that I never knew before. Maybe if you plan to nurse you would like to know these things.

Like at first, when your body is learning how these boob-things work, it is PAINFUL when your milk comes in! Like a really prickly feeling, similar to that pins and needles feeling when your foot wakes up from being asleep. It would happen within a minute or so of the baby latching on, and sometimes it would just happen for no good reason. Just a bonus. This got better over time, and actually was never as intense with the subsequent baby. I felt like she never did latch as well, it always felt like I was ALMOST going to have that big milk let-down…but it just didn’t happen with her.

Also, it is apparently common for one boob to have a much better flow of milk than the other one. That was my right boob. Sammy would be nursing away, I’d feel that tingly let down….and then almost blast his poor face off with the resulting gush of milk. After I realized I was choking him, I learned to hold a cloth over myself until the spray tapered off.

Your boobs are ALIVE. I can’t even explain it, but as I sit here writing this….my body is not conscious of them at all. I don’t feel them just sitting there on my chest, unless I jump around or grab them. BUT, when you are breast feeding….those suckers are awake, alive, you feel them there…even when you are not nursing. And the longer you go without nursing…..the more you feel them. I would get to a point that I HAD to nurse, or pump just to be able to stand them! They were living entities growing from my chest, natures way of ensuring you keep paying attention to them.

Another secret? Seriously, probably the best sex of my life was during my nursing days. Why? Again, the mystery of live boobs. Your whole body just feels more alive, more sensitive, more responsive. If something felt good, everything felt good….. I don’t think it’s possible to get close to that feeling again. And no, I didn’t douse the room in mothers milk. They do not spray like fire hoses when stimulated….they can be controlled!

By the way. Breast milk tastes good. Is it weird that I know that? Of course I tasted it, I wanted to know what they were tasting. It’s kind of sweet, not disgusting at all. I can’t imagine any baby willingly drinking formula after getting breast milk first, especially if they’ve gotten it for many months.

I was at Target recently with my two little ones, the oldest saw the breast pump aisle. “Hey mom, remember when we got those for your boobs?” He used to want to pump with me, I would have to let him put the pump on his chest for a bit, then switch back to mine. It was adorable. Obviously, it was also memorable for him.

I look back on my experiences with nursing and pumping, how my first time around I was so modest, going to a separate room or keeping my shirt over everything I was doing…..trying to spare my older kids any embarrassment. By the second baby, I think the image of moms boobs was burned in everyone’s memories. I pumped all the time, and didn’t have time to care about privacy. I cut holes in my bra’s to wear the pump and keep my hands free. When nursing, I quickly learned how to do most things with a baby latched on, as long as I had one free hand, I was good to go.

I’m glad I breastfed. I’m sorry I didn’t try harder with my older kids, but I feel they are still ok, even if a few IQ points short of their full potential 🙂 I applaud the moms who are so much better at it than I was, who nurse longer and can actually relax enough to enjoy it. I always wished for ounce markings on my boobs, and worried incessantly that the baby might always be hungry ’cause who knew how much he was really getting??!

It is satisfying to know that you are keeping that baby alive, and thriving all by yourself…..and it is much easier to hold a baby to your chest in the middle of the night than to venture downstairs to heat up a bottle….but ultimately whatever works for you will work for your baby. My God, I thrived drinking formula in a haze of second hand smoke ’cause for some reason no one knew any better back then!

If you do nurse, you’ll see what I mean about the live boobs. Kind of cool, kind of freaky….. and if you choose to bind those suckers as soon as you are home from the hospital, I won’t judge you.

momsranting

My place to talk about my family, my life, and maybe some other stuff too

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