What I don’t want for Christmas

It’s been a while since I’ve been able to post on here, partly due to lack of time because of work, and kids, and stressful life happenings in general. Also partly because we just took a week off to spend in Vegas with the little ones and I had such a GREAT time that I actually forgot my best friend even existed until we got back. I felt a little guilty about that, but I was able to overcome it once I found that she is still alive and well.

So, on to very important things.

My oldest is asking me what I want for Christmas. She won’t leave it alone, so in an effort to help her out (a mothers job is never done….), I’ve given it some serious thought. I’ve come up with a list of what I don’t want. At least this will help her narrow things down.

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  1. Stuffed animals that fart. I actually don’t want any stuffed animals, but especially not ones that mimic bodily functions. Resist the urge, even for $12.95.

 

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2. Underpants for my hands. I’m good with the ones I’ve got, not on my hands.

 

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3. This monstrosity. I don’t want the sweater, or the baby that possibly comes with it. I know I’ve got lots of kids….but really, I’m good.

 

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4. Ok, actually might be funny if you could get it personalized with the ex’s face… all in good fun of course….

 

 

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5. Might be a cheaper option for me than laser lipo…but somehow I feel not as effective. Probably save your money.

 

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6. On the odd chance that someone might think to buy me a purse made from a dried frog corpse, let me just make it clear that I would not accept it EVER…..unless it had fully intact back legs.

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7. It’s cute, really. but people might not understand….
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8. No subtle references to me aging, ‘kay?
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9. I can see how someone might want to incorporate my love for cleaning, with my desire to work out more to come up with a “super gift”. I just think this might not be “the one”.
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10. Whaaaaat??
I think that pretty much covers it. Stay away from the above, and I’ll accept pretty much anything. Or nothing. Whatever.

 

 

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The Christmas Bidet

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It’s usually very predictable, what I get my dad for gifts.

He likes going to movies, he likes to read. He likes the leisure/sweatsuit look… preferable with a collar that can “pop”.

We’ve gotten him things to fit these well known and comfortable interests…. but this Christmas I went off the map. I strayed from the formula.

I told my sister first, “I got dad a bidet for Christmas.”

her response?

“Fabulous!”

I got him other stuff too. The token gift cards for dinner and a movie….an awesome and sentimental collage blanket….couple other small things. And the bidet. We have the same one in a couple of our bathrooms, super easy to install and use.

For some reason I really thought he’d think it was kind of cool, trendy…. finally, a gift he would never guess!

As he opened it, and looked at me with a puzzled frown, I tried to sell him on the finer points.

“You’ll save so much money on toilet paper!”

“It’s really hygienic!…..not that you aren’t hygienic…..er…. I wouldn’t know of course…….”

awkward.

loss of eye contact.

aaaaand moving on to other gifts…….. bidet sits lonely, possibly wondering why people are revolted at the thought of cleaning their behinds with its superior skills.

Probably didn’t help that I forgot the token movie/dinner gift cards in my car, and they are still sitting on the dash–waiting for their moment of appreciation.

So now dad, who is slightly paranoid, is no doubt wondering if he smells bad, or if I find him dirty, and looking for a hidden meaning behind my well intentioned gift.

I can’t wait to see him again and see if that uncomfortable chuckle keeps happening when we look at each other.

Lesson learned. Never, never buy things for your parents that might give them the impression that you suspect they have dirty butts. Even if you do suspect it…. it can never be mentioned.

Parent/child bond…. traumatized.

 

 

 

 

Looking for gift ideas?

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gift for the husband. Ssshhhhhh, don’t tell.

 

Ok, I’m going to do you a favor because I know you are realizing how close it’s getting to Christmas…. and are probably panicking about what to get for everyone. Right?

I’m in a collage blanket phase. I think it’s my go-to gift this year. If you’re on my list, chances are you are getting one. Hope you’re cold.

I found this site. Collage.com. Check it out!!!

I love it so much that I am shamelessly promoting them completely on my own. I am getting nothing out of this but the love of sharing a great idea.

Here is how it works. They have a link for over 60% off a fleece blanket, with your photos of choice, and free shipping!  It’s $45 out the door (50×60 size). You can do AMAZING things guys!! Amazing things!

Click here…. Do it!!

Choose your blanket size, choose how fluffy you want it. Then go to town. Super easy to upload pictures, and picture quality is great. Amazingly great. I’ve ordered about a zillion. And every time I order an new one, it’s even better than the last one I made.

I got the first couple in the mail already, and I will tell you that I will probably win best gift-giver of the year award, hands down. I am going to make people cry, and it will be great.

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Awwww. Best brothers.