Am I sick, or do I just hate everyone?

Image result for getting sick bad mood

Yesterday was supposed to be a great day. The husband didn’t have much going on at work, so we had “talked about” going to a mall across town with the little ones.

We’d stroll around, basking in our love of each other. Hold hands over pretzel nuggets in the food court. Find all the pants we could ever need for Sammy, the kind for skinny boys who need an adjustable waist but also very long legs. Find the perfect jean skirt for Jenna so she can wear her blue and white striped tights with red hearts on the knees.

Goals, I had goals yesterday.

Then, yesterday actually happened. I did my usual Sunday stuff. Cleaned, washed floors. Took Jenna shopping for groceries. Came back. Built a model of the Eiffel tower in toothpicks. Cured cancer…… all while the husband was……somewhere…….doing whatever he was doing in the house. On the phone with his family, on his computer, drinking his coffee…..

At 2pm I asked him, as he stood in his wife-beater and shorts, if he was planning on getting dressed today? He thought he might eventually. He always seems so surprised to find out the actual time after he’s putzed around for hours.



We didn’t get to the mall he wanted to visit, but instead he insisted on rushing to the mall close to our home to see if we could at least find pants for Sammy. Dreams of pretzel nuggets were dashed.

It didn’t go well. I was annoyed, as I often am when faced with someone who has different time management strategies than me. I DID find the jean skirt for Jenna that would have been perfect with her adorable striped tights, and a pair of pants for my tall, skinny boy.

Unfortunately, my black mood would not allow me to be courteous to the rude lady manning the cash register, and I chose to leave all the clothes behind in a fit of pique that only hurt myself as I walked away. The husband was wandering around in other departments at this time, and so without knowing it, was saddled with the burden of somehow being responsible for me not being able to buy the clothes I wanted as he wasn’t by my side to smooth things over with the mean monster lady in the kids department.

The drive home…silent. We had a dinner to get ready for and I was thinking of what I needed to do for me and the kids to make it on time. Also thinking about that jean skirt. And pretty much disliking everyone and everything in general. Ever feel like that?

It wasn’t until we pulled into the parking lot of the restaurant later….  I realized that my crap feelings weren’t just psychological. I also FELT like crap. My nose was stuffy and getting stuffier, and starting to leak like a faucet. I had a weird feeling in my throat, like a pre-tickle…. just a little taste of something to come. My eyes were glassy…

I was getting sick!!  No wonder I felt like kicking someone. It all made sense, and actually made my mood better-as I realized I probably did still love my husband after all.





Anniversary after divorce?

Today, I felt like I was missing something. An appointment? A call to make? What did I forget??

And then, this afternoon I realized it was my anniversary!  Of my first wedding, way ,way, way back when I was TWENTY years old. It would have been twenty years today!

This didn’t make me sad, or angry, or bitter, but actually kind of nostalgic. How much time has gone by since that day, how much I have changed since that day.


I love this picture, especially as I get older. I am currently watching my 19 year old navigate life and comparing where she is to what I was doing at her age.

I see this photo and remember how innocent, yet all-knowing I was. How very smart and yet stupid I was. How young I was, and yet-weirdly-how I continue to stay exceptionally young while my MIND alone continues to mature and age…. strange…..

I can’t say I regret this day 20 years ago. I don’t regret being the girl in this photo. Sure, I would have liked to avoid some of the difficulties that came later, but it all brought me to this spot. And that day was a day I will never forget, even if the marriage didn’t last.

Lately, when the oldest is panicking because she can’t figure out how to physically go into the post office and mail a package without hand-holding, I think about what I was doing at her age. Living with my fiancé already, buying our first home with the help of his mother…worrying about paying bills, making enough money, and learning how to grocery shop and planning a wedding.

I’m so GLAD she’s not ready for any of that. I’m not ready for her to be ready for that!! But I’m so thankful for her and her brother, and so also thankful to have had that wedding 20 years ago.

Feels like I should be doing something then, maybe to celebrate? Or acknowledge the date?? How about some low key photo fun, compliments of snapchat……

missing socks and PMS

The other day, the husband asked if he could please wash his own clothes. This is not the first time.

He is missing two socks.

We have been through this before. Somehow he feels the laws of laundry should not apply to him. He believes his sock pairs should always remain intact, matched, and never lost or separated.

Why does he think his two missing socks is more devastating than the handful of socks the rest of us are missing??  I keep them, patiently waiting for the prodigal missing socks to return. You never know….

Supposedly, when he was single and did his own laundry, he never lost a sock. Big deal. He probably  had the time to stand  by the washer and dryer, counting socks as he transferred from one to the other, and congratulated himself daily on his perfect laundry record.

Over here, in real life…. things are not so orderly. I have teens that occasionally help, when forced, with laundry. I have a zillion children and between them a countless number of socks. Many of them now have the same sized feet, and wear similar colored socks. This is ridiculous. I know, I just KNOW there is a place inside the washer that destroys socks. Or transports them to an alternate universe. Like a black hole.

Anyway…. the point is…. he wants to do his own laundry because he really likes this pair of socks and now he only has one left. I’ve looked in everyones laundry. Everyones drawers. It’s totally missing.

So, probably yesterday wasn’t the best day for him to say this to me. I’m a little hormonally unbalanced at the moment…. and so ended up getting very snarky with comments about how I was still good enough to clean his toilets…and him doing his best to avoid an actual argument about my inadequate sock washing skills.

A talk with my sister helped me realize that I might be over reacting. Slightly. After all, he apparently is just talking about one thing, his socks… whereas in my mind, I’ve already taken his rejection of my laundry efforts as the first step in the eventual demise of our relationship.

Perhaps…. he still loves me. And he just wants to try keeping his socks together himself. I suppose that’s a possibility.

I didn’t have full insight until later today…. as I chose to eat a huge chocolate peanut butter cupcake and watch “daddy’s home” instead of working out….. and cried at the dance-off at the end. Then chased those tears with a piece of french silk pie.

Hormones. They are no joke.


A beautiful story


I’ve been thinking about this couple…wondering how they are doing, and hoping they are still together and enjoying each other. I love their story…. a perfect memory for Valentine’s day. 🙂



I worked today, checking on some patients in the hospital.

There was a lady there, age 83, I had to see her before she could go home. It really could have been a 5 minute visit, I already had looked up her lab and imaging studies before knocking on her door. I knew she didn’t need anything from my group at the moment.

I walked out of that room an hour later, feeling a little lighter around my heart.

Her husband was in there, and although 86, he was still fit and handsome. My patient also looked much younger than her age. I watched how they interacted with each other as I asked her some basic questions. Teasing each other, winking at me as though I was in on the joke.  They were so proud to bring up how they had been married almost 60 years.

I don’t know exactly how it happened, but somehow after talking about her medical issues, we just kept talking.

The husband had an iPad. I thought it was surprising and adorable. As we spoke about different things, where we all grew up, the job he retired from, the fact that the wife could barely walk anymore without help….. his fingers were skimming over images. He was so ready to share, I could tell he brought that thing with him everywhere.

He had retired over 20 years ago, he was an attorney. He had photos of newspaper clippings that he’d saved about trials he was involved in. I loved it. He’d met some celebrities, had some great stories to tell.

I asked him if he had a wedding picture on that iPad, from his own wedding.

He didn’t.

But as they told me “their” story, I got to see something even better.

They met, over 60 years ago, at the Jersey Shore. He was from Ohio, she was a Jersey native. They were both on vacation. She started telling me the story….”and can you believe it, this guy says he knows who he’s going to marry….the first DAY we meet! I thought he was crazy!” And he smiles as he takes over, “but look who was right and who was wrong, huh?”

So they had a few days together, getting to know each other before he went back to Ohio with his family.

And then HIS mom calls HER mom. I’m told because that’s how things were done back then. He was 26, she was 23. the moms plan together for her to come to Ohio to visit. She stays with the family. She comes again. Then he goes to Jersey.

He took her to a jewelry store to pick out a ring on her second visit.

She told me that she counted the actual days they spent together before getting married.


15 days of face time before walking down the aisle.

Then she moved to Ohio. In with his family, his parents, his sister, him. “We had a grand time!” Then they moved out… door.

I heard about their three daughters, and now their grandkids. All daughters are married to good guys, thank God. I saw pictures of their Florida home, on a golf course…. I see his eyes look a little wistful when he talks about it and then asks “do you play golf?”  He misses it.

They built a home in the city I live in now. I saw pictures of this too. I’ve driven past this house.

They had to sell it. They are moving into assisted living together, because she can’t be alone safely. He does not leave her side. And this is when they look at each other with so much love, and she jokes how this is payback for all the years she took care of him. And he tells me she is the best mother and best wife anyone could have. They invited me to come visit them. Because somehow we have become friends in this short time.

And then he took out the iPad one last time.

And showed me a picture, black and white. Three young people on a beach, sitting on a blanket and squinting at the camera.

It’s him and her, with a friend. The DAY they met. Because he knew……

And THAT is a beautiful story.


Mushy stuff

Here, take my heart.

Here, take my heart.

I am sitting with my husband, watching him fall asleep-still in his chair-at the dinner table.

He works so hard every day, and comes home late every night. His time is not his own, a slave to his pager.

He chose to practice medicine, and he is dedicated. Careful. Methodical. Brilliant.

So as I watch his eyes flutter over the cup of tea he probably can’t even taste right now, I tell him I love him.

Because I do.

It wouldn’t matter what he chose to do for a living, what matters is the way he commits himself to everything he does.

His job. Me. Our kids. Our life together.

I am grateful that we found each other. So thankful to have this time with him.

My favorite times lately are the evenings when he gets home while the kids are still awake. They hear the garage door open, and run around looking for a place to hide.

Daddy comes in the door, asking me where the kids are.

I tell him I left them at Costco, or maybe at the park…

“Oh no! I need to find them!”

They can hear us, and start to laugh as he pretends to look all over for them. They will either get too excited, and run to jump all over him, or he will rip off the blanket they are hiding under…. eventually they all end up laughing and tickling each other.

He thanks me for letting them stay up to see him.

And I find myself loving him even more.

Date Night

Shhhhhhh, don’t tell him, but this weekend…. I’m taking the hubby on a date.

We don’t usually do this, hardly ever. I can count on one hand how many time we have gone anywhere alone in years.

Sometimes though, the stars align….

I thought about it today, a friend we wanted to take out for her birthday has other plans. I already thought about getting a sitter so we could spend time and enjoy her company, actually focus on her instead of the kids.

She’s busy. Ok, fine, some other time.

But wait…. WE could still go out. Alone!

I know the perfect place. We just talked about it this past week. It’s not a fancy place, it’s not even an especially good place. But we went there early in our dating history, and we both remember one night in particular when I got lost trying to walk out the door, ended up in the downstairs bar while he waited behind for me to realize where I was, and watched as I tried to figure out how I got there. Silly thing, but he laughed at me and I felt kind of embarrassed. It became somehow cute to him, that I could lose my way so easily.

Probably now it’s not that funny to him, but at least back then it was endearing.

So I’m taking him there. And we can sit at the table, and we’ll hold hands and tell each other how much we love each other, and he’ll tease me about how lucky I am to have him, I’ll tell him how lucky HE is to have me. Then he’ll get serious and say I’m right, he IS the lucky one. And he’ll thank me for loving him, and for our beautiful children.

I know this because he does this all the time, we always have this little exchange, but it never gets old.

And then we can go home, and stay up late with the little ones, watching movies and eating popcorn.

At the end of the night, daddy and Sammy will be snoring together on his Cars couch, I’ll be on this computer, and all will be right with the world.