How much do I love vomit? Let me count the ways…

Image result for sick kid

The past month or two, the youngest two are competing for title of “sickest kid”. This isn’t sick in a good way,this is just sick, regular sick.

Highlights include Sammy missing three days of school in a ROW, followed by Jenna waking up in the middle of the night to vomit in bed (two nights in a row).

I’ve mentioned vomit before, as I’ve had plenty of run-ins due to my excessive progeny. I used to call it puke, but I’m feeling less than friendly and I think vomit is a little more reserved. So it knows I’m not very happy with it.

Two nights of complete bed changes, bathing and hair washing, you think you know what’s up… you think you’ll be ready next time 3am rears it’s ugly, nauseous head.

But again, vomit likes to surprise us. Poor kid is sitting on the potty the next day and ends up vomiting all down the front of herself, getting the stuff everywhere in the bathroom EXCEPT in the toilet.

It’s fine, really. She’s a trooper, and thankfully that ended her surprise attacks of emesis…for now…..

Today, I’m here to report that we have moved on to Strep Throat. It’s official, and she gets to start the pink medicine we all cherished in childhood. I have to fight the urge to take a swig just to see if it’s the same as I remember.

People are starting to forget about us though… as we’ve been trying to avoid all human contact as soon as new symptoms start to show up so we don’t infect the earth.

Playdates, birthday parties, any social activity…all on hold…. every weekend we end up isolating ourselves to save our loved ones from the illness we have been wallowing in.

Uh oh.

As I type she has just announced to me that her belly hurts and taken up position lying on the kitchen floor. Not sure what is going to happen next…. but I’m considering a plastic wrap to cover the entire house. Just to be safe.

Wish us luck friends!







The horror of a red nose

Let me tell you what you are looking at.

This is the beginning of a cold. I hope it’s only a cold. It started yesterday, a little goopy nose stuff, I pretended it wasn’t real, but still coated her in Vicks before bed. Set up the vaporizer and prayed…..

Seriously. These kids KNOW we are going on a plane in 2 days!!!!  How could she wait until now to get sick!?

I bought a huge assortment of cold remedies today, she’s had everything from vitamin C to zinc. The chapped cheeks and lips are setting in. The sniffles are here, we are tip-toeing around, trying to keep the cough and fever from finding us.

I would like to blame someone for this….

and also someone for causing me to gain weight instead of either lose weight or stay the same weight since I’ve started my hard core workout routine. I love how loyal my friends are, every single one has told me I must be gaining muscle, and not that the girl scout cookies and birthday cake are just stubbornly holding on.

And lastly, I would like to blame someone, anyone really, for this stiff neck that started this morning… after a particularly challenging workout last night. I can’t turn my head fully, it causes shooting pain down my back. You should have seen my turning my entire body, stiff in my seat on the highway as I tried to check  my blind spot during my very unsafe drive to work today.

So this is how I imagine my first couple vacation days… One, possibly two goopy kids….. full of snot and sand, attempting to run on the beach with mom who is not only blocking the sun with her massive size, but also resembles Frankenstein as she stumbles, stiff-legged and moaning in pain………

Or… it could all be fine. It’s a toss up right now.



sick eggs and magical elixer


Magical elixir… cures all sickness….unfortunately does nothing for wrinkles…..



We are sick over here. Of COURSE we are, because children live here…and children are germy little creatures.

It starts with Sammy usually, coughing, mucous, sneezing, fever, red nose, misery….. all the usual symptoms.

Last night we went to bed with Jenna feeling fine, and she woke up a few hours later barking like a seal.

Honestly, there is no point in trying to separate them when one gets sick…. you just have to wait for the inevitable to happen.

When the sickness hits, there are things we do. Routines we have. Requirements for the very survival of the sick person. These things include a liberal rubbing of Vicks onto the chest and back of the victim. Big vaporizer going full blast near the bed. Pillow to prop the head so there is less gurgly breathing as mucous pools during the night. Puke bucket always handy. Of course the necessary sick couch time, spent lounging in glassy-eyed misery, huddled under the special green blanket, cold rag on the head, watching movies on demand all day long.

Sprite, a.k.a. “Magical Elixer” is called for in mass quantities. Sick eggs and toast, without which, survival would be impossible.

So this is what we are having for breakfast today. Sick eggs, toast, sprite. Taking bites between blowing noses and discussing our percentage of feeling better. (Sammy reports 65 percent today….)


Sick eggs and toast. guaranteed to keep you alive another day.


date night, interrupted.

So that was pretty funny, planning a date night ahead of time. At least I had the beautiful anticipation of it for a few days…..

And then I got sick. And Sammy got sick.

Between the two of us, there is not much Kleenex left in the house. Noses are red, throats are sore, bodies are aching.

So yesterday I decided we could have date night IN the house. With the kids (thankfully no one is vomiting….yet).

All we needed was sparkling grape juice and BAM, it’s special.

This was my plan this morning. By this afternoon, as my right ear continues to throb and my head feels ready to explode, I am lowering my standards. It’s 10 degrees outside, I just don’t think we can survive that right now.

I am not leaving the house for sparkling grape juice. Yes, this was what I thought we needed to separate us from “normal night”, but now…. I think if I just use fancy glasses….yea, that will do it.

And…. I need to make sure I get hubby to pick up a fancy dinner somewhere, because I am also not cooking for our new revised version of date night. I’m on deaths doorstep here, it’s not a pretty sight.

But we are going to have our fake date night dinner if it kills me. It might.

Just reminds me of why we don’t TALK about things that we really want to happen, it’s like a huge cosmic jinx. As soon as it’s out there, known, that you want to do something, are looking forward to something in particular, you can bet the universe is going to try taking you down a notch.

Usually, it’s the kids getting sick, or hurt. I didn’t see ME getting sick, that was kind of a surprise.

Good job Universe, keeping me on my toes.

Dear Puke:

The “puke bowl” which has remained puke free while the house is christened with vomit

Was it necessary to lure my son into a false sense of security…… allowing him to eat hard boiled eggs, black olives, hummus, and pickles RIGHT before you decide to make a grand entrance??

Was it necessary to wait until he was cuddled up in the middle of my bed for a nap, surrounded by fluffy pillows and all of his little blankets?

Have you also been thinking that it’s time for a new bedspread? And sheets? And pillows? And mattress???

You probably think I’ve gotten soft, a little too comfortable, since you’ve been away for the past 10 months. Did you think we’d forgotten you?

I assure you, you will never be forgotten.

All the times you’ve erupted from an unsuspecting child, into my lap, my hair, down my back (remember that time??), sometimes the sink or the toilet…. I promise, I will not forget you.

All the times I’ve held my sick baby close to me, and then you decide to show up and make it a party. Thank you. I love laundry. The kids love the pretty colors, you never look the same twice. It’s a neat trick.

Now, the 4 year old seems pretty excited to see you again today. He just asked me for another pickle, and I asked him if he was on crack. We both said no.

It’s not that I don’t appreciate the random beauty of your nature. It’s a gift that you can ALWAYS catch us off guard. But, I can’t make it that easy for you. Despite the years we’ve known each other, the odd situations we find ourselves meeting in…. I can’t say you are a “friend”. But, I will acknowledge you when we meet, and treat you with the very careful respect you deserve. You can be sure, I will never ignore you.

And thanks, really, for keeping me on my toes.

And for the new bedding I will be purchasing, as soon as I know you are gone.

snot season

It’s that time.

A couple weeks into the school year, we start with the sniffling, sneezing, hacking, sore throat, whining, complaining…. and that’s from the 17 year old.

Of course it spreads.

It’s too late once it’s invaded the house. Even as my oldest describes the feeling of razor blades every time she swallows, I’m less concerned about her–too late to save–than the ones who are still healthy. “Don’t touch anyone! Don’t kiss anyone!! Wash your hands!!!”

The four year old is next.

“How’s your throat Sammy?” I get a sad face, “Still not good”. He wants weak tea, basically warm sugar water… and cough drops. this is his excuse to avoid eating chicken at dinner, and stick to fruit and jello.

After a couple days, all seems well.

Hubby mentions “Hey, look who didn’t get sick!” as he gestures towards the unassuming toddler.

Because he doesn’t know how things work.

Next day, during nap…..sounds like she’s gurgling in her nose.

Wakes up, we run to the store.

She sneezes.


A face full of snot. Just hanging off of her, and I’m standing at the trunk of the car, unloading groceries as she looks to me for some help with this. For once, no Kleenex or wipes in reaching distance.

I have nothing. So I do what any respectable mom does….

I grab it. A  handful of snot.  And I debate who should I wipe this off onto…. her or me…

She wins, because I really like her sweater. So it goes on me. Just a little keepsake.

Mom of the year over here. Or just really gross and unprepared. Maybe both.