Possibly necessary greeting cards

Sometimes, a person may want to commemorate an event, or occasion with a card.

What if the occasion is not so common, but you still feel it is worthy of the notice that only a greeting card can provide?

In the interest of finding out just what’s out there…. or in case I find myself wanting to congratulate a friend on their adoption of a baby orangutan, I have done some research.

 

Cried Naked Greeting Card

cafepress.ca

Is this card about having a baby? Or something more ominous/weird? Is that a bald man with a bottle? Well, I guess you can celebrate whatever you want. But is he crying, or is it the person whose bed he’s in?

I Lost My Virginity Greeting Card

What I especially like about THIS particular card, is you can buy it in packs of 20, 10, or just a single card. Too bad it doesn’t come in packs of 50 to just increase the odds of success, and associated STD’s……

Dear Mom Thank You For Having Unprotected Sex Greetingcard

lookhuman.com

This kind of goes along with the card above, especially if it had been bought in bulk…..

 

 

 

Awwww… that’s sweet, right?

because-i-hate-you-greeting-cards-3

ufunk.net

…And the opposite of sweet…..

 

Looks kind of fun, doesn’t it? I’m going to continue looking for unusual cards, and maybe keep some handy for those occasions that just need more than a text. Like, sorry you’re in prison. Congratulations on being hepatitis free. Thanks for getting yourself fixed and denying the world any more of your progeny…. you know, those random moments we really want to cherish with others….

 

Another stitch fix review

My last stitch fix box was spot on, almost too perfect for me I thought. So when I sent a note to my stylist for the next box to come, I asked for things like me, but a little edgy or different. I asked for help with different colors since I always choose the same ones that I love. I wanted more tops that weren’t too casual or too dressy. And I updated my Pinterest page with tops I liked or even loved that others had gotten from stitch fix. Here are some tops I pinned….

Merch Blog; don't know why, but this blouse reminds me of poor, doomed Ophelia.  Love the delicate, watery florals.: Like the mix of patterns on this shirt and it looks like a beautiful, light material.: #stitchfix @stitchfix stitch fix https://www.stitchfix.com/referral/3590654 Daniel Rainn Estefany Lace Detail Split Neck Blouse $64: Got this Daniel Rainn blouse in my first fix, still my favorite thing!:

So I had a good feeling about this next box.

A few days ago, I got the email….my fix was on the way!!!  Of course I couldn’t wait and peeked at what they sent to me on my stitch fix app.

Oh. Well. Um……..

Maybe I’ll just wait for the box. Surely it won’t be so bad when I try them on.

I got my fix today.

Uh-Oh. That’s not a graduation cap….or a bookmark with a tassle….. It’s a shirt.

Ok, she’s right… I DID ask for something a bit away from my comfort zone. And more color.

But, I can’t. Just can’t do it. Not this one. It is just as bad as I anticipated. Words that come to mind when looking at/wearing this shirt include: Gidget, Baby-doll nightie, way too yellow, doily-esque….. and not me. For sure.

Weirdly fitted

This feels too much like dental hygienist, surgical scrub, hospital gown style, paired with an interesting split halfway up each side. I don’t know how this could be flattering on me, and I’d need to sew it together before I actually wore it.

This top is reminiscent of the furniture I had in the basement of my very first house. Except the flowered pattern was brown, and instead of crocheted lace, there was wood trim. But still. Oddly high waist with that little ruffle thing all the way around is also not flattering.

Ding-ding-ding-ding!!!  We have a winner!  It’s the black top I pinned, and I love the notched detail around the neckline. Thank goodness one can never have too many black shirts. At least I won’t waste my $20 style fee, right??

Overall a disappointment, but I at least learned more about what things I definitely don’t like. So, maybe if that was my stylist trying to find options out of the box, we can walk a bit closer to the box, or maybe off to another side of the box. But get away from this area for sure.

No, I’m not giving up on stitch fix. I think I’ll try to pin more, and give lots of good constructive feedback on the things I don’t like. I know, I just KNOW at some point I’m going to be completely wowed.

 

 

 

 

 

Starlight mints don’t get you elected

Be ashamed…..

 

Took the kids to the Fourth of July parade this morning, and positioned ourselves in the best spot for maximum candy exposure. No other kids right next to us, and close to the start of the parade path, so they don’t run out of the good stuff yet.

Other kids brought plastic bags, but we had our wagon, and even extra space in the secret compartment under the seat.

We saw the police, veterans, the bomb squad!, lots of organizations like churches, schools, and daycares even. And elected officials, plenty of them.

And here is where I see lost opportunity for them to solicit the vote, and also opportunity for me to get to really know those guys before it’s time to cast my ballot.

Sure, sure….  you’re handing me a flyer outlining your greatness that I must take before  you give me the tootsie pop, which is what I really want. I respect that, I do.

But… if you’re throwing starlight mints at me out of the windows of  your sports car as you drive smugly by….you’ve lost me. Even if you splurged and got the green mints. I just don’t feel that you care much about what I like, why MY needs are……

If you decide to throw those white individually wrapped peppermint lifesavers, you know, the ones that burn my mouth??  Well, I don’t think you even like yourself.

Are you a twizzlers thrower? Starburst, skittles, fruity taffy? Ok, I’ll take your candy, and even pay attention to the name on your banner. You are at least making an effort. But come voting day, I remember lots of fruit candy….. you aren’t going to stand out a whole lot.

We got two almond joy bars, and one tiny bite sized snickers. I wish I’d seen who tossed those to the ground in front of us… because obviously, that person has their finger on the pulse of voters everywhere. Clearly, you know what talks to us…. it’s not crappy peppermint or that cheap pink gum that loses flavor before you toss the wrapper.

Mini tootsie rolls…. you play it safe. Conservative. Lots of beige in your house.

And to the nestle crunch bar thrower….. just sad. If you’re going to commit to investing in chocolate, do it right…please. You’re the city representative that’s going to choose the quick fix ’cause it’s cheaper, instead of investing in the best option for your community. First it’s nestle crunch bars, then our basements are all flooding because you didn’t think we needed to worry about the drainage problems.

What???

You’re telling me I’m over analyzing, and this candy is actually for the kids?

You think I’d wake up late, race through the shower, force those kids out of bed and sprint, pulling a wagon holding 75 pounds of offspring like half a mile so I can get the best spot, wave to everyone like an idiot in the hot sun for almost an hour, and then give THEM the candy???

Huh…..

And you’re also out of touch with reality.

Final stash…..not bad. Frisbee, anyone??

Farming in the burbs

Last year I had grand intentions of growing stuff, gardening, feeding my family the vegetables I lovingly tended…. but it just didn’t happen. Thank god for Trader Joe’s, picking up the slack for me in the whole fresh organic produce department…

IMG_2334 (1) - Copy

humble beginnings

 

This year, I found the ready to plant seed pods I had in the garage, leftover from last years pipe dream…. and for some reason found myself with a smidge more motivation. Well, I told the kids about planting a garden, and then was forced into action by their very effective nagging to get started on it.

I got these big container things as we zoomed through home depot, knowing we don’t have a good area for planting in the yard right now. Wasn’t sure how it would turn out, but we really had nothing to lose. The kids loved filling everything up with dirt, choosing which pods to plant, and watering. Of course we didn’t end up marking what we were planting….but all the more fun when we find out what’s growing.

See it!!! They actually started to grow!!  And Sammy has watered them daily, he takes his job very seriously.

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It’s alive!

first casualty….

It’s a daily event, Sammy waters “his” plants. We try to figure out what each one is, and wonder when we will notice actual food growing. IF actual food will truly grow.

Guess what I saw today?

hello zucchini!!

I told the kids we at least know one of our plants is “working” and we will be eating our very own zucchini soon!  They didn’t seem very excited. “But we don’t like zucchini!”

I don’t think it was wrong of me to suggest that home grown veggies taste a lot better than the stuff we buy at the store.

And it’s magical, and might make you fly.

Go figure……

I planted mint, along with some other herbs, maybe 2 years ago.

I planted them close to my front door….. in the middle of a nicely mulched and landscaped section of the front yard. figured it would just add to the foliage…

Of course, the mint took over. It killed the basil, and the cilantro…and whatever else I planted with it. The mint flourished, and then it just kept going. Every time I see it, it’s bigger….and I finally realized the lawn guys aren’t going to fix it for me.

 

Today, after work…. I decided it was time. I grabbed the 3 and 6 year olds, armed ourselves with gloves and yard tools. We pulled, and hacked, and yanked, and dug. They were having a ball, and thanked me, THANKED me for letting them help me.

As I’m sweating, and slashing away, I think of how silly I am to ever waste money on these kids. Going to movies, which is what I originally intended to do with them today….Taking them on toy runs, walking to get ice cream.

Instead, hard labor. Dirt and sweat, these are the things they are jazzed about. They didn’t want to take out ALL the mint, because they wanted to be able to come back and tear it out again. I promised them it will be back, probably next week….. And I get Jenna, beaming at me, “Oh, Thank You momma! You’re the best!!”

And then, guess what?

We washed the huge gross garbage cans outside and I let them help throw buckets of water into them as I rinsed them out.

We were dirty, hot, sweaty, gross, and I’m sure smelly…and I didn’t spend a dime.

And they LOVED it. Best day ever.

Weirdos.

You can’t always blame it on the Chia Seeds

I sweep the floor, and wipe the floor, and wash the floor a lot. It’s important for you to know this so you can really appreciate the breakdown I almost had today.

I had my 1 year old nephew over yesterday, plus the 3 and 6 and 15 year old at home with me. Each kid exponentially increasing the number of times I cleaned the kitchen floor.

messy little buggers…

 

 

My nightmare began when I brought the kids upstairs after playing in the basement yesterday. The 15 year old had just left for his dads house, it was just me and the three littles.

Walking into the kitchen, I notice….dirt…..something…..on the floor. First it’s just a few specks that catch my eye, but as I look, more and more becomes visible. It’s near the side door….and the kitchen table. Little black hard specks. Did Jake go outside and track this in before he left?!  But it’s almost too hard…. I looked at the houseplants suspiciously….did someone knock one over??

I sweep. Holy hell, it’s all over the floor!! Even the hallway?! What…… I swear, I just cleaned this floor!

I blamed it on a Kashi bar with chia seeds. The one year old was carrying it around, still in the wrapper, but I figured there must have been a hole or tear, hence these little black “seeds” all over.

I vacuumed… it felt like tiny chia shrapnel shooting into my ankles…a PILE on the carpet, then Sammy pointed out a trail of them on the couch. I spent a lot of time vacuuming. Sweeping. Wiping up. Eventually, the kids went to bed, chia seed bar went in the trash, and I told the husband about it when he got home. Funny. ha ha ha.

This morning. The three little ones are all with me still. WHAT is this stuff I’m stepping on….feels like….more chia seeds?! But how???

More vacuuming… how did I miss so many on the rug? More sweeping….HOW are they BACK?? Now I’m starting to panic. Are these REALLY chia seeds? There is something a little too hard… an almost metallic glint to some of them…. and chia seeds don’t seem so aggressive usually……

                              They LOOK innocent…….

Mind races…. some sort of insect? Pieces of insect? How are they being left on my floor practically under my nose!!? Cicada’s?? I feel like I’m missing something…. maybe I need to Google “suspicious small black specks showing up on my floor whenever I turn my back”…  I realize I just wanted it to be the chia seeds… that stupid Kashi bar was never opened, I checked….

Back and forth. Back and forth. Every time I look, everywhere I look, there are more.

At this point I’m talking to myself, a little panicked. What is going on? Am I crazy? Looking for the video camera…. is this a joke? Aliens? Am I in hell??  Because I can’t stop cleaning, EVER, if I can’t stop these things from appearing after I just cleaned them up!

This is hilarious….

And then I notice Sammy. Sitting at the kitchen table, eating fake Dorito’s, with a pile of those demonic black specks under his chair. Why are they black and not orange!?  I’m convinced this is the twilight zone. This is my eternity….I just cleaned under that chair!! I creep closer, waiting for some horror to make itself known.

And I notice something.

He’s wearing ankle weights.

And one has a leak. This kid has been spilling that gritty black filler since yesterday, All. Over. My. House.

“Ohmygodsammyitstheankleweights!!!!”

He looks startled….then sheepish as I remove them from his ankles, black evil specks spilling out as I do it.

Now clearly, these are not chia seeds…..but I had to find a way to rationalize what was happening…… so, sorry chia seeds, my bad.

 

 

 

Dying for a fish fillet

The cravings are killing me lately. Fasting is easiest for me in the beginning…. and then as the days go by without snacking…..I start to feel a little unstable.

Last night I made sure the husband had “normal” food for dinner, but I had compiled an assortment of things I felt I needed. Lentil soup. Kale Salad. Strawberry-Mango flatbread.  Sushi. Doritos. The night ended with a headless chocolate bunny left in the fridge….. only because I couldn’t scarf down his body quietly enough to avoid detection. That will be tonight…….

I stopped to talk to someone today, she had just eaten a hot dog, and that little end of the bun was left on her plate, sitting there all alone. Probably with a tiny end of hot dog nestled inside. and ketchup. maybe cheese.

I wanted it.

Has it come to this? Coveting discarded hot dog pieces?

And now, I can’t stop thinking about McDonald’s fish fillet. Something my grandma was very fond of as well. I stay away….mostly….from them. Sometimes though…. it’s really all you need for happiness. A perfect blend of soft, warm bun, tartar sauce, cheese, and questionable fish. Mmmmmmmmm.

youtube.com, @hodgetwins

Embarrassing moments with my kids

We all have those moments you can’t prep the kids for, until they happen… THEN you can say “And remember not to tell Uncle Frank that his breath stinks”, or “remember not to poke the big pimples on Sally’s face”…. things you wouldn’t think to coach them about until it’s already been too late once….

So this week I’ve had a few moments like that.

First moment…. there is a mom on Sammy’s T-ball team. We’ve seen her several times in the last few days, and every time I see her she wears a purple T shirt. I noticed it as I pulled up to the game last week, I see her sitting there, in a purple shirt. I notice this to myself, in my head… and I hear Sammy in the back seat “Why does Billy’s mom always wear a purple shirt?”

After silently congratulating him for being so aware, I offer an explanation. “Probably she has a lot of purple shirts…..that seem to look exactly the same…..and just wears a lot of purple shirts. Because she likes purple.” Both kids seemed to understand. I even told Sammy, “but don’t say anything about her purple shirt because it might make her feel bad if you think she wears purple too much.”

So JENNA walks up to her…. “Why are you wearing a purple shirt?”

As I die over to the side…. the poor lady calmly answers that it was there, clean, so she just wore it. And Jenna looks very speculative…. “I have ONE purple shirt”. Then goes to play. And I am left….shaking my head and kind of laughing… don’t know what THAT was all about….kids these days….he he he……

Most recently, it was Sammy’s turn to embarrass me. We are driving with a woman who is about 20 years older than me….. she’s very skinny, definitely skinnier than me.

For some reason, the kids start to debate who is bigger, me or this lady. Sammy says I’m bigger, Jenna says the lady is bigger. I try to say they are both right. “Well, she’s big because she’s a grown up, but she’s a small grown up.”

And Sammy turns to Jenna and feels the need to educate her, “I’ve noticed that when people get old, they get smaller….for some reason…..”

 

Hangry Fatteh

Hey, it’s Ramadan!

For the next month our lives revolve around sunset, when we can eat again. I’ll admit I sometimes cheat, but I do my best to share the experience with the husband. I think he appreciates having someone to starve fast with.

Image result for ramadan hungryunveiledthoughts.com

The usual dinner fare doesn’t quite cut it, I agree with him on this. During Ramadan we eat more of the traditional Syrian food my husband grew up with.

One dish we eat during Ramadan is Fatteh. It’s a layered dish, and generally consists of some sort of shredded or toasted bread pieces, layered with some broth or stock, and a mixture of yogurt and tahini. I depend on the husband to do all the calculating and mixing, but I’ve noticed we each like it a little different.

Here is a very loose interpretation of a recipe….should you choose to experience it for yourself.

1-2 large pieces of pita bread-toasted

1 lemon..or more

1 container plain yogurt. We get the home made kind at the Arabic store

Tahini paste

chickpeas/garbanzo beans… a big can. Or a small can. Whatever you like.

Crushed garlic….again, as much as you like.

Salt and pepper… however you like it.

slivered almonds and/or pine nuts

Butter

chopped fresh parsley

pomegranate seeds

How to Toast Pine Nuts in the Oven:

My method:

Assemble ingredients about an hour before sunset, ignoring the burning as your stomach tries to digest itself.

Empty can of large chickpeas into strainer, rinse, and place into saucepan. Cover with water and set to simmer

Look at the clock. Sigh.

Squeeze your lemon into a small container, set aside. grab a bowl to mix the tahini and yogurt together.

Chop the parsley, and peel the pomegranate if you didn’t buy the ready to eat seeds from trader joe’s.

Break the pita bread into small pieces into a glass dish, somewhat bigger than 8×8, and smaller than 9×13.

Look at everything. Look at the clock. Walk away for 20 minutes. (keep coming back to stir the chickpeas and add more water if it cooks off too fast)

Mix the yogurt and tahini…. a LOT more yogurt than tahini…. like maybe 16 oz yogurt to 3 oz tahini…. but honestly it’s not exact, just do what feels right.

Add crushed garlic. somewhere between 1-3 cloves…. or what you want.

Add lemon juice. Add salt and pepper.

Try to smell how it tastes because you can’t taste it yet. stir up really well, test consistency. should be thicker than gravy, thinner than mud. Set aside.

Melt butter in saucepan, 1-2T….or whatever you like. Add nuts. about 1/2 cup total….maybe more.  The goal is to brown the nuts and melt the butter without  burning anything, so try to time it perfectly as you finish putting the rest together……

Remove chickpeas from the stove… should be just enough water left so they aren’t fully covered. Pour over toasted pita bread, move bread around to get it all covered.

Then pour yogurt concoction on top. don’t mix fully…but move a spoon around so it can also get through the layers but stays mostly on top.

Pour the hot butter and nuts on top…. the husband likes to spread it all around so every bit is covered.

garnish with little mounds of parsley and pomegranate seeds.

This is what you might end up with

By the time we are putting together the fatteh, I am officially hangry. I have no patience for anything. I have no sense of humor. I don’t care what channel the Cavs game is on…. I just want to put this together and EAT IT.

After being exposed to my short temper, and absent sense of humor…. the husband suggested that maybe I shouldn’t fast……..

 

accidental profanity

Took the kids to the playground the other day, it was packed.

As I follow the 3 year old, she continues her nonstop commentary about anything and everything, which I can usually just half-listen to…. but sometimes certain words will trigger my full and panicked attention.

“Mom! I SAID, can I play with that dick thing?”

“What?!!”

“That DICK thing…. can I play with it??”

I tried to do many things simultaneously…  ask her WHAT is she trying to say, while telling her NOT to say that word, and frantically looking around at all of the innocent children playing with parents nearby, hoping my daughter hasn’t corrupted anyone, or prompted a call to child services.

I had no idea what she was talking about, only sure about the fact that she was making a grave mispronunciation….

Event eventually forgotten, until yesterday. Sammy has this kit with fake dinosaur bones buried in this egg shaped concrete stuff, and you have to use the chisel and other tools to dig them out. DIG them out.

“Hey mommy, That’s the thing….. can I play with that digging thing??”

It all made sense. YES… you can play with that. The digging thing. Absolutely.

And she continues, with her 3 year old know it all smile…..

“See mom, I didn’t say Dick”.

“Jenna…. you just did say it… please, that’s not a nice word…. don’t say it again.”

“Ok…but I was just telling you that I won’t say Dick anymore….”

And then, the 6 year old comes in, as he is innocently rhyming random words….

As I walk out of the room I realize he caught the end of our conversation as I hear his sing song words now include:
“Dick…..Dyke….”

“Sammy!”

Startling him from his unknown use of offensive language. The 19 year old can’t stop laughing. Sammy looks confused. And I just give up.