Category Archives: Uncategorized

snot season

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whattoexpect.com

It’s that time.

A couple weeks into the school year, we start with the sniffling, sneezing, hacking, sore throat, whining, complaining…. and that’s from the 17 year old.

Of course it spreads.

It’s too late once it’s invaded the house. Even as my oldest describes the feeling of razor blades every time she swallows, I’m less concerned about her–too late to save–than the ones who are still healthy. “Don’t touch anyone! Don’t kiss anyone!! Wash your hands!!!”

The four year old is next.

“How’s your throat Sammy?” I get a sad face, “Still not good”. He wants weak tea, basically warm sugar water… and cough drops. this is his excuse to avoid eating chicken at dinner, and stick to fruit and jello.

After a couple days, all seems well.

Hubby mentions “Hey, look who didn’t get sick!” as he gestures towards the unassuming toddler.

Because he doesn’t know how things work.

Next day, during nap…..sounds like she’s gurgling in her nose.

Wakes up, we run to the store.

She sneezes.

WOW.

A face full of snot. Just hanging off of her, and I’m standing at the trunk of the car, unloading groceries as she looks to me for some help with this. For once, no Kleenex or wipes in reaching distance.

I have nothing. So I do what any respectable mom does….

I grab it. A  handful of snot.  And I debate who should I wipe this off onto…. her or me…

She wins, because I really like her sweater. So it goes on me. Just a little keepsake.

Mom of the year over here. Or just really gross and unprepared. Maybe both.

 

Secret Bollywood Addict

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One summer, back in the days when I had time to watch movies, I came across my first taste of Bollywood.

Lagaan.

An Indian drama involving a man, a woman, another woman, her brother, the British, an Indian village, and a Cricket match.

Ohhhhh.

lagaan

 

I was hooked. Passion stirred in my heart, I loved the characters, the story line, the dancing, the singing. The subtitles! I loved the subtitles, because it was not in English, which is a big turn off for some people, I know.

Drawback? It was long. It took commitment to watch, for 224 minutes. (that’s like, almost three hours).

I think the only reason I initially had the time for it, or any movies at that time was that I watched them while I studied at night, and everyone else was sleeping. I needed something on TV to keep me awake, but I loved the movie so much…I had to share it with my family. But how would they take to it?

With love. Lots and lots of Hindi love.

My oldest kids at that time were about 5 and 1. They loved the singing and dancing scenes, and begged to replay certain ones over. and over. and over.

Then came the costumes.

Rachel needed a Sari. And the Bindi for her forhead. Both purchased on Ebay, thank you very much.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

It wasn’t long before she had memorized the songs, and the dances to go with them. The kids would ask for “the stick dance” (really, watch the movie, you’ll get it). She’d run and get her costume on, and they would grab the Lincoln logs to use as the sticks in the movie. Watching them dance and enjoy it was so funny, and I really couldn’t believe they would actually watch the rest of the movie too. Not all at once, but pieces and parts.

After Lagaan, came a plethora of other Bollywood films. I bought another of my favorites, a bit more modern: Monsoon Wedding. Not as appropriate for kids with it’s more adult story line, including an extra marital affair, an arranged marriage, and a shocking revelation of child abuse. HOWEVER…. also loved it. Watched it lots of times. I DID also share the singing/dancing parts with the kids. Hmmm, maybe I’ll have to stay up super late and watch that one tonight…….

Funny thing, it’s been years since I had the time to watch any of these movies. The other day it just came to me, maybe I was sick of watching “Potty Power”, which the toddler loves to have on in the background. “Hey guys, I have something you are going to LOVE!”…. ran and found Lagaan, and popped it in.

I was amazed to find the 17 year old and 13 year old STILL love it, complained even when I just skipped to the dance scenes for the little ones. And the youngest two?? How did they like it??

lagaan1lagaan3lagaan4

Well, it makes them break into spontaneous and often very weird dance moves, but they absolutely love it as well.

So, I’m glad the subtitles don’t get in their way of enjoying a film. I love that they are all open to experiencing a glimpse of other cultures, not just the one or two we are familiar with at home.

Will my love of Bollywood help make my kids more culturally aware, and therefore more accepting and open to all people, from everywhere?

I hope so.

It’s a baby step, and a fun one at that.

 

 

 

 

 

On getting older

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old

 

When I was 29, I wrote what amounts to a blog post about getting older. Except I didn’t know what blogging was at that time, so I just typed it up on the computer and saved it. I think I was going to submit it to magazines, knowing the world would want my fresh perspective about how it feels to age from the standpoint of someone STILL IN THEIR 20’s.

Don’t worry. I just smacked myself.

There I was, worried about turning 30.  Stressing about the expression lines in my forehead and what department I should shop in, was I too old for Junior’s? God knows I was too young for Women’s….. and the waistbands there…….

I think back to that person I was. That young, silly girl really…..

She had NO idea. None. That girl, because certainly I didn’t feel I’d matured to the point of real womanhood yet, was so afraid of being 30. That girl wasted her entire 29th year in fear of what would happen upon turning 30. Guess what?

She lived.

I have settled comfortably into my 30’s, and finally found an acceptance of myself that I never had in my 20’s, or before.  Call me crazy, but I’ve liked my 30’s a lot more than any other age so far.

Why?

Because in some magical way, I’ve learned to care more about what I think about myself that what YOU think about me. Most of the time. I’m still critical of myself, but for my own sake, not anyone else’s. If I didn’t like something about myself 15 years ago, it was probably because I was worried it wasn’t good enough, didn’t look good enough for the approval of those around me. Now….when I want to cry about what having 4 kids has done to my body, it’s because I don’t like it….not because you may not. Get it?

And getting past 30, and then DEEP into the 30’s, gets you over the fear of being that age. Because every morning I still wake up, and when I look in the mirror I see the same face. Entering “full adulthood” hasn’t ravaged me. yet.

And when I think of turning 40….which is just a short year and 2 months away….. I’m not scared.

I wish I could have saved that girl I was from worrying and wasting a whole year, living in fear of a number she thought would define her in some horrible way. I would love for her to know how much better life gets when you become comfortable with yourself, and stop living in fear of losing your youth.

Now my sister is going to be 30. I remember being her age, looking ahead at what was surely going to be the start of “the end” for me….and being so jealous of her, at that time still so early into her 20’s. I was so sad for myself.

Now… I’m just happy for her. Because she’s going to find out what I already know.

At 30, things are just starting to get good.

 

 

 

 

My sick family

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So my sister recently blogged about how she is turning into a hypochondriac….like my dad. You can read it here: http://pattyparobek.blogspot.com/2014/08/i-have-my-dads-looks-humor-and.html

But while her self awareness is impressive, I don’t think she quite understands how it feels to be related to someone with her condition.

Here I am, already used to the calls from dad, requiring urgent medical care or at least a quick consult for the superbug he just acquired. His toe’s are numb, there is a twinge in his back, and why does THIS look like THIS???

He once opened a bag of undershirts, just bought from the store, and put one on.  At the end of the day, he noticed some dead type of insect stuck to the T-shirt. As I remember, it was maybe a day or so later, he found some sort of red rash on his skin, and immediately linked it with this mystery insect. He then did some research on where the T-shirts were packaged and came to the conclusion that he had contracted Leishmaniasis, a parasitic disease spread by the bite of sandflies. Clearly there was a hostage sandfly packaged in his T-shirts, just waiting to bite and infect the first person to open them. He went to the doctor, heart in mouth, and probably a little proud of himself for the brilliant diagnosis.

He felt a bit sheepish I believe, on his way OUT of the office.

I love my dad, and I truly love these moments as well. He is a great sport, and will laugh at himself the hardest of all.

the real deal, leishmaniasis...courtesy of wikipedia

the real deal, leishmaniasis…courtesy of wikipedia

Dad is a great believer in popping pills, for anything and everything. He WILL get sick if you happen to visit him and then mention feeling ill at anytime afterwards. His own secretary years ago wanted to test his sensitivity to the powers of suggestion. He came to work in PERFECT health one day, and after she looked at him with concern, telling him he looked a bit under the weather…. he actually felt horrible within mere hours and had to go home and rest.

So, I’m used to this from dad. For fathers day, I found myself scanning the drug aisle at Target, looking for any bright new bottles of special supplements that he might not have….

But now, for my sister to follow in his footsteps….. We are supposed to make fun of him together! I can’t do this alone!!!

I didn’t notice it starting with her, I don’t know how. I do remember some phone calls, but to be fair, I’ve always had her pegged as pretty stable so I’ve given her the benefit of the doubt. Even when she started going to the doctor, the minute clinic….. and plugging way to many things into WebMD. Her eagerness to need antibiotics for something, anything!…. should have tipped me off, but didn’t.

This last call though….. I can’t make any more excuses for her.

A bone, part of her own jaw, noticed for the first time and panic quickly follows. A call to me, just to inform me about her probable mouth cancer or at the very least, her abscessed tooth.  After her visit to the dentist, we talk. Um…it’s not cancer. It’s……my mouth.

Long pause.

Sigh.

Guess dad isn’t the only one getting bright colored pill bottles for Christmas this year.

The great Mole debate

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Some people have known me for many years, and have never commented or maybe even really noticed this mole I have on my cheek. Sometimes I forget it’s there too…..

mole1

But it IS there… and there always comes a time when I am reminded of this. Most recently, at a parents meeting before my daughter went on a trip to Europe with her French class. I had met one of the dads earlier, and at the end of the meeting I went over to say goodbye.

“You have something on your cheek”, he offered helpfully. I see him watching the left cheek, so I start swiping it. “Yea, like a piece of tomato or something”, he’s still being really helpful. I keep feeling, there is nothing there… Oh, “Oh…you mean my mole?” Yea… it’s definitely not a tomato. Then there is the embarrassed laugh, oh…oops…

I’ve had the rude comment about “What IS that on your face??!”, and the concerned comment from friends who suggest I have it removed because they wouldn’t want a “thing” growing on them like that.

Generally, doesn’t bother me too much.

Even though my first born son has consistently refused to kiss THAT cheek….. because he doesn’t want to touch The Mole, I laugh it off.

But then sometimes I wonder, should I get rid of this thing growing on my face???

mole3

I have brought it up before, I’ve had offers from general practitioners and dermatologists who were totally willing to either burn it off, cut it out of my cheek, or punch it out.

But I’ve had it for so looong, I think in a weird way, I might miss it.

All the kids have asked about the “nipple” on my cheek when they were little. Their wandering little fingers have idly tried to pinch it off or push it in, like a button on my face.

It got bigger during my pregnancies, and back to normal size afterwards.

It’s impossible to cover up.

But, after all this time, I think it’s just going to stay there.

After all, Russell Crowe has that thing growing between his eyebrows and it did not reduce his hotness a bit in “Gladiator”.  It’s part of him, he may look weird without it. And besides, if I didn’t have my mole, I’d be left with a scar, maybe even a little crater of emptiness…reminding me that part of my face wasn’t good enough to keep.

So I guess as long as the mole follows the rules, the ABCD rules of having any mole (You know, Asymmetry, Border, Color, Diameter…) it can stay.

And hey, I’ll always have an awkward conversation topic to fall back on.

 

 

I will never be popular, because I don’t drink.

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I stopped drinking alcohol years ago. I don’t even remember the last drink I had.

I just realized I really didn’t like myself when I drank. I realized that I would sometimes drink just to put up with a situation I was in, or because I was pressured into it by the people I was with at the time. Probably the trouble was more that the people I was trying to get along with were not people I would normally hang out with, we really had nothing in common, so getting drunk together was the easiest way to find a common ground.

I drank more in the last 2 years of my first marriage than I probably had ever before that. I was trying to get along with “him” and his friends, but I absolutely could not tolerate it sober, and neither could they. But, being considered “cute” for having a hang-over until 5pm the next day was a problem for me….and puking down the front of myself as I was being driven home was also not something I was proud to share.  I hated it and really started to hate myself. I didn’t even like the taste of alcohol, why was I doing this to myself?

So I stopped.

There are SO MANY good reasons NOT to drink. But for some reason, it is not always a popular choice. Some people are downright uncomfortable drinking around someone who is NOT drinking. As if I will judge them, or maybe it’s that I will remember all the things they will do or say while they are too drunk to do so?

When I tell people I don’t drink, many assume it’s because I can’t. Like for a health reason. Or because I may be an alcoholic. Certainly, it can’t be because I don’t WANT to!

And then, I’ve been judged. Because if I say I don’t drink, some people have felt that I must believe I am better than them…..because they do drink. And so therefore I must be some stuck up hater of all things fun.  I’m not making this up. I’ve also been judged for admitting that I like to read though….so…….yea.

Honestly, it’s ok that I’ve been judged for not drinking. Because sometimes, I judge people who are drinking. Sometimes.

Because we have WAY too many people with drinking problems. People who drink to de-stress, who drink to function, who drink to get drunk and pass out and not remember. We have way to many alcoholics in our families. Don’t we? I do, on both sides, a TON.

I work for a gastroenterology group that gets consulted on people in the hospital. You don’t even want to know the amount of people I see on a daily basis with livers that are either dead, or screaming for mercy because of the amount of alcohol they are swimming in. It’s a growing problem, this drinking, and not knowing when to stop. If you don’t work in healthcare, you may not have noticed though.

But think about what we do for fun…. isn’t so much centered around drinking? Think a minute about someone you know who doesn’t drink. By choice. Do you think they are normal? Do you think they are judging you if you enjoy a glass of wine, a cocktail, a beer?

I know, I know. I sound just like a….mom. Well, a boring mom, right?

That’s ok.

I do preach to my kids. I talk about all the problems that alcohol can contribute to….. and the fact that they will be pressured by their peers at some point to drink, to try drugs, to smoke. And you never know who will be able to walk away, and who will become enslaved by their addiction.

I would like it if more people attempted to have fun without drinking. And I know I’m generalizing…. but again, so many things that people do socially involve alcohol. Because alcohol relaxes you, makes you feel good. Makes you do things you wouldn’t have the guts to do normally. And some people drink because they WANT that excuse, and don’t want to be the person responsible for their bad choices. It was the Vodka, not ME!!

And the music today….how many songs serve to glorify the habit of getting drunk “in da club”, mentioning the “right” kind of liquor to drink. This is what our kids are singing to. I won’t lie, sometimes I really like the music too, and then it pisses me off because I feel like if I listen to it with any kids in the car, I am promoting a life of drinking and cheap sex. Well, sometimes the sex isn’t cheap I guess.

What to do?

So I guess I’ve taken the stance of being completely against alcohol. Because it seems so difficult for people to drink in a responsible way. That sounds so funny to me, like smoking in a responsible way…. I just don’t think it’s actually very responsible to ingest something that can hurt you…. but I guess that’s just me being really rigid and uptight. After all, one could argue I certainly don’t eat chocolate donuts in a responsible way, and I am NOT giving them up!!

I hope you know what I mean. I don’t hate you for drinking a beer on a lazy Saturday afternoon, having wine with your dinner, going out for Margarita’s with the girls sometimes.

I do hate that not everyone is able to walk away from it. And more and more people are affected by the drinking habits of their loved ones, sometimes fatally. I hate seeing all the damage done to the bodies of die hard drinkers who can’t quit, no matter how many times they try. And some really don’t want to try, and that’s hard to see too.

I hate that kids are encouraged to drink, to get crunk. That drinking is so often glamorized in our society.

I know this will not stop, there is way too much money to be made.

But just think about it. Think about your own family and friends. Doesn’t everyone know someone, at least some ONE with a drinking problem? a DUI? do you know people who get irritated if you talk to them about their drinking, who avoid social situations if there isn’t going to be alcohol served? I would be surprised if you don’t know anyone like this. But happy for you as well, clearly you only surround yourself with people who make good choices, or maybe you are just lucky.

It’s out there….

The evils of alcohol ready to teach your kids and mine about all the fun they will have when they drink, the fun that can ONLY be had when you drink. Because you can’t be popular or have as MUCH fun, unless you partake.

So I’m just going to be standing over here…. not drinking. And telling my kids not to drink. And hoping they don’t get hurt by someone who does.

It’s a choice, I know not a popular one. But it works for me.

Stalking the Superhero

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Child pretending to be a superhero

 

Sammy’s been going to preschool a few days a week, for just a few hours on those days. This summer there is a boy in class with him, Nathan.

Or, as Sammy refers to him: “My super hero”.

At first I didn’t even realize Sammy was talking about a real person, as he would spout off random facts about his super hero, and what they did together. he DOES sneak around the house, talking quietly into various phone-like objects, as he spies on us or fights “the bad guys” that only he can see. He loves being a super hero in his action fantasies, karate chopping as he jumps off his bed, or leaping into some sort of summersault before he dashes off to save the world… in our dining room. So I figured this guy he was talking about was his imaginary side kick.

But, as I picked him up one day from school, he pointed him out to me. “That’s my super hero!”  So began my understanding that this was a real boy my son seemed to worship.  I asked questions, like “why do you call Nathan your super hero?”  “Because he IS my super hero, mom!”. Oh. Okay. Well, I did see him wearing a Super man T-shirt that first day…so maybe this Nathan kid thinks he IS some super hero….maybe he only likes to wear super hero clothes or something. No big deal.

But sometimes Sammy would talk in the back seat on our way home from school, and in his continuous monologue, I would here little things like how Sammy ALWAYS wants to sit by Nathan, but sometimes Nathan sits by other people and Sammy doesn’t like that. Because that’s HIS super hero… I wondered, did Nathan want to sit by Sammy as much as Sammy wanted to sit by him?

“Sammy….does Nathan call you Super hero too???”  he said yes, Sometimes, Nathan calls him super hero, but he always calls Nathan super hero. He really, really liked Nathan. I asked him for the names of other kids he was friends with.  He just shrugs.  They aren’t his Superhero, so who cares?

So this goes on. It’s not a daily obsession, but I hear about Nathan several times during the week. One day I was going to keep him home from school so we could go to the zoo with friends. Sammy wanted to go, but didn’t want to miss Nathan at school. We had graduated to “My Superhero Nathan”.  We still went, I told him his super hero would be fine without him for a day.

I really wanted to meet this kids mom.  I guess I thought best case scenario, the boys would be equally obsessed with each other, and they could hang out sometimes. Maybe they were two peas in a pod, and would remain lifelong friends, understanding each other like no one else could. But first…I had to make sure Sammy wasn’t driving this kid crazy.

Today was the day.

I picked him up at school, gathering in the lobby with the other parents as we waited for the teacher to let us in. Surreptitiously glancing at the other moms….which one is His??

Once inside, I walk up to Sammy. “Hey, Buddy!, Where’s Nathan?”   He points to another boy, who is not paying us any attention. I’m watching to see who is there for him. There she is, a slight blonde woman with a toddler on her hip. Excited, I head over, Sammy in tow.

“Excuse me!, I’m Kim, Sammy’s mom!”….. as if I expected a thrilled response from her. Something along the lines of “Oh, Sammy….you’re SAMMY’S mom???!!!!  I’m SOOOO excited to meet you! Nathan just can’t stop talking about Sammy ALL THE TIME!!”

Well…. she DID smile at me. That’s pretty much it.

I kept going. “I hope Nathan talks as much about Sammy as Sammy talks about him!”  A teacher overhead us and came over, “Oh I know, he always calls Nathan his super hero!”  This was met by another smile, a little laugh from his mom. But no real interaction. Clearly, she was not as excited to meet me. And her son….why wasn’t he talking to Sammy? He just sat there, still not paying us any attention.  She was nice, not rude at all. But…there was no real interest coming from her. I didn’t feel like talking about play dates…..instead just said it was nice to meet her, and we left.

I asked more about Nathan on the way home. Sammy was pretty adamant that he ONLY wanted to play with Nathan. No one else. He only wanted to sit by Nathan. Then he mentions to me that Nathan felt sick today. According to Sammy, Nathan told him not to sit next to him because he was getting sick. He even held his arm out to ward Sammy off. Sammy felt like it was worth the risk…and reports sitting by Nathan anyway. So now I’m starting to feel weird. Is my son stalking this boy? How do I fix THIS?

I try talking about how it’s nice to play with ALL the kids…. and every one might be a good friend to have, and wouldn’t it be nice to have lots of friends at school? No, Sammy is completely sure he doesn’t need anyone but his super hero.  Well, “does Nathan play with other kids?”, Well, if he does, Sammy doesn’t see it. He says no.

My friend takes Sammy to school on the days I work. She met Nathan’s dad….one day Nathan introduced Sammy to his dad when they were picking up the kids. This makes me feel slightly better, at least Nathan hadn’t run away from Sammy, screaming for his dad to save him from my son.

I’ve talked about it with my family. I feel bad for Sammy, and I want to make sure he isn’t acting in a way that bothers anyone else. As my family pointed out….I would surely be notified if he was causing any trouble…. but I don’t want him to be the obsessed kid, following someone around all the time. I want him to be the one other people are obsessed with….it’s SO much cooler!

Well, I guess I’ve just got to look at the upside. So far, my son has absolutely NO idea that he is possibly stalking someone.  He’s happy, excited to go to school, and happy to have his super hero Nathan to play with. He’s confident in his choice of friends, and believes his feelings are reciprocated.  I’m GLAD he’s happy.

I’m still going to encourage him to play and get to know the other kids.

This is my first stalking, I don’t know really what else to do.

 

 

 

Do you think it’s a good idea to have kids?

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I have one sister. I’m glad I can say she’s one of my favorite people. My sister is married, going on 3 years now. She’s turning 30 this year.

Shit. That means I’m turning 39.

Ok, I’ll forget about that sadness for a minute. My point is, how many times a week do you think my sister gets asked about WHEN the babies are coming?

She’s passed the point of “enjoying her new marriage” and she’s heading into “I wonder if they can’t have kids???”.

We talk about it.

She seems to still be pretty much on the fence. In the years before she got married, she spoke of hoards of children, at least 6. But, then people around her started having kids. Or in my case, KEPT having kids. Gave her some food for thought.

When we talk on the phone, sometimes about having kids, she is used to the fact that I can’t focus on her completely. Because I am constantly interacting with one or several of my kids at the same time. I’m giving baths, getting them dressed, making them dinner, or yelling at them to clean up their toys…I’ve told her I want her to have kids just so she can be the one going crazy at the other end of the phone for once.

She sees the amount of WORK kids can generate for you. To an “outsider”, that can be pretty scary.

I have to admit, she’s got a pretty good think going right now. She’s got a great job, a great career actually. She’s been able to travel for work and pleasure. She sleeps in when she wants. Goes to bed when she wants. Eats when and what she wants. Goes out when she wants. She can watch ANYTHING she wants on TV, at ANY time. She spends time with her husband, just the two of them. Of course she’s a responsible person, with plenty of other obligations and duties….. but it’s just not the same as when you have kids. They do control your life. Just a little.

I don’t blame her for waiting.

I’m not saying I wish I’d waited. But I can see why someone without kids would want to wait…. And I can even see why people decide not to have kids. It’s the biggest job, the biggest commitment, the biggest THING some of us will ever do.

I will never forget how I felt when I found out I was pregnant for the very first time. SHOCK. FEAR. Excitement, giddiness, followed by that emptiness in the pit of my stomach…that “OH God, what did I just DO” feeling. That feeling that means things have just changed in a big way. The knowledge that there is no going back. I’ll never forget it.

I’ll also never forget the overwhelming sense of love I’ve felt for each of my kids. I’ve tried to explain to my sister as I’ve discussed the Pro’s and Con’s of bringing forth the fruit of my womb into this world. I admit, sometimes I’m afraid the Con’s outweigh the Pro’s, some days they definitely do.

I guess when it ends up being is a series of great moments that make IT worthwhile, those moments swimming in a sea of never ending laundry, diaper changing, missing puzzle pieces, teenage angst, and the impossibility of making everyone happy at the same time. Those moments are what you reach for, and hold onto for dear life, allowing you to keep treading water for a bit longer.

Is it worth it? God, I hope so. Right now, I feel it is. For ME it is.

But say I was someone who never had kids, would I buy all that crazy talk about how just knowing you helped create that little person is so worth the massive change to my lifestyle? Is it really rewarding enough to give up life as you know it?

I DON’T think it’s selfish for someone to not have kids. I mean, yea, it’s selfish in the very basic sense of the word. But that’s not a bad selfish. No one should have kids because they feel pressured to do it. Or because they feel they have an obligation. Or because society dictates that they SHOULD, because they’ve been married long enough and for some reason there is a time limit on the number of years you are allowed to just enjoy living with your spouse. You know why we get pissed at people who choose NOT to have kids? Personally, I think those people just want the rest of the world to be as sleep deprived and bitchy as the rest of us can be. Hell NO, you childless people are NOT going to have all the fun! Selfish bitches! Get pregnant!!

I think it’s ok to have kids, or not. I think my sis will probably end up taking the plunge, I can’t say I wouldn’t be crazy excited if she did. I would love to dote on a newborn without having PPD to ruin it for me! I expect she won’t be able to resist, and one day I will hold that little bundle of brown eyed cuteness that she is sure to produce. Or not. Whatever is ok. Because I definitely have enough to share with her. And now that they can all talk, and remind her that they need things like food and water sometimes…. I would almost trust her alone with them……

 

Me and Charlie

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Charlie has been in my life since I was three.

For many years he slept with me at night, and kept watch over my room during the day. He did spend some time in a box, but right now is living on a shelf in my closet.

Last night, as I walked past him, I stopped and looked into that face. I picked him up and smelled him, and said “Hi” for the first time in a long time. I thought about all the years we’ve shared together, all the secrets of mine that he knows and will never tell…and how much we’ve both changed since that day so many years ago when he came into my life.

I had just had my tonsils out. I’m pretty sure the whole experience was traumatic because I still have vivid snippets of memories from that time. My dad came to the hospital, bringing with him a stuffed raccoon. He was not too big or small, his face looked so aware and interested in what I had to say, and his tail was long and striped. I don’t know how I picked his name, but it was the perfect name for him.

The nurses made him a bracelet for his tail that said “Charlie, Kimberly’s friend.” He is still wearing it. Well, most of it. There was an unfortunate incident with a Chihuahua about 17 years ago…… and the paper inside of the plastic band was eaten.

Before I met Charlie, I was not a kid that was attached to any particular object. I didn’t carry about a blankie, I didn’t have any special toy or stuffed animal that I loved. Maybe it was because he came at a very vulnerable time for me, whatever the case Charlie became my best friend.

I’ve spent time over the years holding him, playing with him, crying into his fur, telling him how much I HATE my parents (sorry guys…), and how nobody understands me. He slept with me for many, many years. He became a fixture.

I got older, got married, had kids. I moved here and there. Charlie spent time on shelves, then in boxes, back on shelves. He wasn’t thought about for a long time, but he wasn’t truly forgotten.

It wasn’t so long ago that I brought him back into my room, to keep watch over the closet for me. I’m protecting him from the kids, there is no way they are going to hurt my Charlie. He’s gotten so much older, his seams are showing, and fur is a dull gray-no more stripes on his tail. His name bracelet from the hospital is yellow with age, and the paper is gone but I can’t bear to take it off.

I love him. I really do. He is so much more than a stuffed animal to me, because of all he has shared with me over the years. I grew up with him! I expect he will stick with me for as long as I will have him around.

I think he reminds me of my youth, and how fast it’s going too. Whose kidding….it’s gone!

Sometimes I feel guilty for keeping him in a closet, but I’m pretty sure if he survived the children attempting to play with him, that my husband would not appreciate those glassy eyes staring at him while he slept.

Seriously though, how could he resist that face?

charlie

Frequent Fevers are Freaking me OUT!!

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The baby of my babies has a fever. Again.

This is getting to be a pretty common thing, which I find disconcerting.

It seems to be a monthly occurrence, or maybe even less….. One day she will start to feel warm, I keep feeling her neck, head, armpits… then I take her temperature and it’s normal, although parts of her feel so hot!

The next day, she will have a fever. The course is anywhere from 3-5 days, with a slowly decreasing temperature until one day it’s gone.

Sometimes she hold her neck funny, like it’s stiff. Not the kind of stiff neck I would expect with meningitis. Besides, she can’t get meningitis every MONTH. When she does it, it’s more like just one side of it seems stiff so she holds her head really still and doesn’t turn her neck easily. But she doesn’t complain or act like it hurts. And the neck thing seems to come and go, it’s not a constant.

Sometimes she refuses to eat. This kills me.

She will drink, and take a bite here and there. But today is day 3 of her current fever, and after eating a decent breakfast of pancakes and cut up pears…. she has refused to eat more. She sees me bring food close to her face and actually puts out her hand and pushes it away. Then I think maybe she has mouth sores??? But I don’t SEE anything in there! It’s not teething, she’s done.

She refused the banana chocolate chip muffins I made for her. She refused the plain chocolate chips! That’s right, I’m willing to give her anything at this point just to see if she will eat something!

Her temp was 104 this morning, usually it’s not much past 102, and it still gets back to normal after Motrin…but it doesn’t stay down.

Once in a while during these episodes, she might vomit. Not this time though. In the past she may also have a clear runny nose. She did have a bit of one yesterday, it’s gone now.

So as I go about my daily activities, she is with me constantly. And my mind is constantly running. This is a snippet from inside my head today:

I really hope there is nothing wrong with her, I would die, please God don’t let there be anything wrong with her, because I’ve had those patients with the crazy immunoglobulin deficiencies and fever syndromes, with all sorts of other things wrong with them, and I don’t want her to have to deal with that. Maybe it’s an ear infection, is she holding her ears? Yes, she IS holding her ears. No, I don’t think it’s an ear infection. Why won’t she EAT anything? Maybe she’ll eat this cracker…NO..she won’t even eat a Ritz cracker! Popsicle? Great, a few bites of that. Oh my God, what if it’s Leukemia, my cousin died from Leukemia. I remember they found out he had it when he was so sick and his fever was so high. No..No, No, No. Shit. I thought of it so that BETTER not happen. I didn’t mean to think about that. It’s NOT Leukemia. UTI? maybe she has a UTI. I had them as a kid. But she doesn’t seem to be in any pain! Maybe kids are like elderly people and don’t symptoms much. How am I going to get a pee sample from her? Tomorrow, I’m taking her to the doctor tomorrow. Is she holding her neck funny? Yes, she is! What’s wrong with her neck??

I know I’ve had plenty of kids. But no one ever had fevers the way she has fevers. And Google isn’t helping. I’m having arguments in my head with doctors who blow me off before I even make the appointment, it is not good to for me to think this much.

I take a deep breath. Ok, she’s drinking, peeing, even pooping today. Breathing fine. Playing when the medicine is working.

I’ve officially started to track these fevers. And I’m scouring her body for any signs of a rash or ANYTHING to link her symptoms.

I hate this helpless feeling. Probably one of the worst parts of parenting, when you know your child is not well, and can’t fix them.

I realize how vulnerable I am, we all are. Bad things happen to people, to children, babies, families. I know how lucky I have been with my children. I would gladly, GLADLY take something bad for myself…..just not the babies. I realize I have no right to expect my family to remain as blessed as we have been….but I pray for it.

So, Jenna-Bean, please just have a virus. I am sure you just have a virus. But I’m still taking you to the doctor tomorrow.