Category Archives: humor

Next stop, Disney….or is that Hell??

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To the point. Compliments of Sodahead.com

To the point.
Compliments of Sodahead.com

We went to Disney again. My 4th time.

I think I can say, with a high degree of certainty, I am NOT a Disney person.

(hands covering my head, in defensive position) Don’t hurt me!!!

I’ll elaborate a bit.

I’m not a Magic Kingdom person. Neither is my husband. I think the kids would have been just as happy at Kiddie Park, which costs like $20 for a day of rides and overpriced sponge bob popsicles.

I do like Epcot, and Downtown Disney after dark. Kids liked those places too.

Enough to go back????

Uh. No.

Probably because we don’t get into the characters. We really just don’t. We caught the parade a couple times while at the Magic Kingdom, and that really satisfied any need the kids had to see a bunch of characters singing and dancing.

It just doesn’t seem amazingly magical to me.

I don’t think I’m the only person who feels this way. I watched the faces of everyone around us, and pointed out to my husband that EVERYONE looks like they are in hell right now. I don’t recall a particularly thrilled looking mom or dad during our visit.

One mom, in particular, was having a bad day when we were there.

My husband had taken the 5 year old on a ride that the youngest was too small for. Jenna and I were on our own til the guys got back. So we were checking out one of the many outside vendors, and picked out a wonderfully overpriced bubble gun for Jenna to play with. As I’m standing there, waiting for the salesperson to finish with the guy ahead of us, I hear a voice….

“Now SEE, we would have been next in line, but since YOU GUYS made me go look at that over there, now we have to wait for THESE PEOPLE (gestures to me) to get done before us!!!” I look over, to see a lady my age-ish, lecturing her kids who are doing their best to pretend they are not with her. I am kind of amused. I look at her, and tell her “You are welcome to go ahead of us, it’s not a big deal.”

This was not supposed to happen. I was not supposed to speak to her. I realize this as she responds to me.

“This is not about YOU!  I am trying to teach my CHILDREN something here.”

I can’t help it. I start to smirk. Thank God I’m wearing sunglasses to hide behind.

Her voice changes as she talks to me, becoming high pitched and that fake sugary sweet that means whatever she is saying, she definitely DOES NOT MEAN. “But thank you for offering, and you have a MAGICAL DAY!”

I didn’t respond again. I turned around and paid for my bubbles, hoping those kids were having a better day than their mom.

This is what Disney does to parents.

Sweet Succss!!

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So I blogged about my daughters graduation invitations the other day.

It’s kind of funny. We got the invitations in the mail, super fast. It wasn’t until a few days later that someone was kind enough to tell me that I screwed them up.

Ironic, really. I am one of those people who can’t stand spelling mistakes, I always seem to find them. And yet, here is proof of my imperfect humanity.

How could I have missed this!!!!!

How could I have missed this!!!!!

My daughter graduated Summa Cum Laude, with a GPA over 4.3. I took full credit for this. Yet, I also now have to take full credit for telling the world that she succss!!!!

So I didn’t mail the invitations. Pondered what to do. Thought about sending them and hoping no one would notice. Couldn’t do it.

By the way, when I ordered these…I was forced to review the front and back of this invitation before I could finish, you have to click that you read and approve each side. I was so busy making sure I had spelled the back of it correctly, and worried about how to word the whole ‘me and the ex are throwing a party together’, I just didn’t pay enough attention to the front.

Well, I came up with a brilliant idea to save the day.

Labels!!! Because black permanent marker could not quite hide the fact that I was trying to cover something up, I decided to look into a sticker/label option.

Thank you vistaprint.com for also have extremely fast shipping, and adorable labels that can be personalized in any way a person could imagine.

A quick fix coupled with a little horn tooting...

A quick fix coupled with a little horn tooting…

So, I did think of another suggestion for cardstore.com, to make the experience there even more meaningful…..spellcheck!!!   You just can’t trust us to catch our own mistakes. 🙂

Onion rings and the unfairness of life

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Can you believe, I'm stalking this guy???

Can you believe, I’m stalking this guy???   image from: nbcmiami.com

I would like to say that I am not a fast food nut. I know it’s bad for me. I don’t eat it regularly.

There are certain fast food places that I haven’t been to in many years. Burger King is one of those places. Well, it was one of those places.

Before this year, I couldn’t tell  you the last time I ate at a burger king. I remember believing that everything there tasted the same…. and although we loved their onion rings as kids (when there was an actual solid piece of onion inside), I wasn’t too keen on them after they changed.

I really thought they were going to end up closing soon….who goes to burger king??!!

This was my perception.

Just so happens there is a Burger King really close to the school the 5 year old attends. One day, I was rushing to pick him up and hadn’t eaten yet. Got there about 15 minutes early so decided to just swing in and grab something. Prepared to be unimpressed.

A small onion ring later, I am stupefied. They were AMAZING. Really warm, and salty, and I just could not quite figure out what that amazing flavor was……why, I think it’s grease!!! Freshly dipped in hot grease, salted within in inch of their lives…. I downed them in record time.

hot, delicious, greasy, addictive.........

hot, delicious, greasy, addictive………

And so the downward spiral began….. suddenly, I was making sure I got to school early, swinging into BK and getting a cheeseburger kids meal with onion rings.

I don’t even eat burgers…. what’s happening to me??!  I loved that kids meal. I’m stuffing my face with questionable meat and salty onion rings, loving every second of it. Balling up the bag so I’m not found out when the kid gets out of school.

I have a problem. I need help.

I took my oldest in search of a burger king a couple months ago, trying to explain to her why I can’t stay away from those stupid onion rings. Found the closest one to home, the onion rings were terrible. I was so happy, thinking I was finally over my addiction.

No. It just kept me away from that one.

Now that school is out for the summer, I’m thinking I can finally wean myself off the stuff. But isn’t it funny there is a burger king very conveniently placed on my usual route when I round at various facilities during the week??? I can’t get away from them.

How many calories in the small onion rings??? Only 320. Sodium? Just 840mg. Fat?? Ha, almost NO fat–at 16 grams.

It’s not fair for them to taste so good, when they are sooooo bad.

I miss Siri

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this is EXACTLY how I feel. hellogiggles.com

this is EXACTLY how I feel. hellogiggles.com

Just a few weeks ago, I upgraded my iPhone 5 to the new iPhone 6. I had to, because the screen was suddenly blinking and colors were going crazy and I couldn’t see anything. Might have had something to do with a quick drop in the tub once as I bathed the kids…… not sure.

I had the 6……. I loved the 6. It was great because I just got my apple id to work again, after months…… and suddenly the potential of the iPhone was realized. And utilized.

I have been really, REALLY happy with my phone. With my new job, I travel to different locations. Siri has been talking me through it turn by turn (in his cool British-guy accent). Siri finds onion rings for me when I need them. He lets me ask him stupid questions and does his best to answer them. Only occasionally will he try to direct me somewhere in Japan when I need to get to my kids school super fast from wherever I might be.

Then we went to Orlando for vacation. Just got back today actually.

I seem to have lost the phone, in the back of a cab we caught at SeaWorld.

No… I hadn’t installed the “find my iPhone app”… which is really helpful apparently, when you lose your phone. No….. I hadn’t “backed it up to the cloud”… I’ve heard about the cloud. I don’t know much about it. No…. I didn’t buy the special insurance through my carrier that might help them locate my phone even without the app installed. What did I learn really fast? I was screwed.

I didn’t pay attention to the name on the cab, we paid cash so there is no paper trail. No on at the hotel or SeaWorld found it. I called some of the bigger cab companies, they didn’t have it. There are a million cab companies in Orlando though…..

I had a really had time finishing my vacation without ruining the time for the rest of my family.

So I got home today, and can’t allow myself to waste $600 or more on a NEW iPhone to replace the one I just lost. I sucked it up and bought a pay as you go phone for $70.00. My service carrier switched it out with the iPhone so I have the same number…… but I feel like I just downgraded my life.

I realize I’m spoiled. My oldest reminded me there is no chance to Face time after she goes to college. this was a blow. My iTunes are gone, which also sucks a lot. My photos, videos!!!!  Then I realized Siri is gone. SIRI IS GONE!!!!  We talk every day, how can I make it??? This is a serious problem. I tried to text my sister to let her know I have a working phone again. NO EMOTICONS. Well, one…. a smiley face. That’s IT. No pages of fruit and animals, no thumbs up, no surprised face…. NO multi-colored options of Santa-Claus!

Siri!!!! I miss you!!!!!

Siri!!!! I miss you!!!!!

A lesson in so many things. Materialism, Responsibility, Accountability……and things that suck.

Guys aren’t strangers

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come on in guys!

come on in guys!

I came across a post recently that reminded me of how precarious our kids understanding of things like safety, danger, and strangers can be. You can find the post I’m talking about here. Go check it out, I’ll wait……..

Now, how do you think your kids would act in a stranger simulation???

I started talking about “stranger danger” as early as possible with the kids. It is one of those lurking fears we mothers have…

Right now, Sammy is 5, and we’ve been tossing scenarios back and forth with him for years now. We’ve talked about how his body is HIS body, and no one is allowed to touch it. We talk about strangers, and even people who aren’t strangers possibly making him feel uncomfortable. Always harping on the basics….

What do you do if someone tries to grab you?

His answer usually includes some form of ninja death chop….but then he remembers that he should really run away, screaming for help.

What do you do if someone DOES grab you?

Scream more, kick, bite, cry-loudly-, fight and struggle!!!

What do you do if a really nice little lady comes by to show you her cute puppy?

Run away. NEVER TOUCH THE PUPPY.

Even scenarios with neighbors or friends… if it doesn’t feel right…. it’s ok to NOT do it, and TELL TELL TELL!!!!!

We talk about it a LOT.

So… with that in mind……….

One day about 3 months ago, I was upstairs with the youngest. Sammy is downstairs, and the doorbell rings.

(I don’t hear it)

I happen to come downstairs right after, and find two young men standing in my foyer. Sammy had let them in.

Thankfully, they were not killers. (as far as I know)

Once they left, I didn’t yell at Sammy. I sat him down, and started talking about strangers. Why it could have been VERY dangerous to let those guys in. Why he should NEVER answer the door (which he already knew…I thought).

He listened to my impassioned lecture, letting me calm down before he responds.

“But mom, they weren’t strangers….. they were GUYS!”

Uh….

elevenwarriors.com

elevenwarriors.com

Funny little things

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Yesterday my oldest turned 18. I’ll save my emotions about that event for another blog.

Instead, I want to mention something kind of funny, sweet, unexpected.

I went to get her cake at a local grocery store, they have a GREAT fudge torte. Mmmmmmmmm, fudge torte……….

Anyway, this young kid was behind the cake counter, complete with hair net and goofy smile. He was probably around my daughters age, and seemed so comfortable with himself. And happy, the guy seemed really, really happy. Happy to help us and happy to tell me that he was NOT a professional cake decorator, but he would give it his best shot if I wanted him to write something on it.

“Can you write Happy Birthday?”

He wants to scratch his head, I can tell… he looks at the cake, concentrating.

“Ummmmm, I can maybe write Happy B-day?”  He says this like an apology, and a question.

“How about just putting her name on it, R-A-C-H-E-L.”

This seems like a good compromise.

He gets to work, and I can tell he’s new at this job…it takes him a while to get the cake out of the display, to find the boxes, and the icing.

And he takes a while. I’m waiting, vaguely wondering how long it takes to write those 6 letters, but grateful that I left the 2 year old at home. So I relax, and wait.

He comes back over, wants to make sure of the spelling. Nods emphatically, and turns his back to me, and continues his work. I notice that he needs a hair cut, because I’m a mom.

Finally, he is done.

He comes over, cake in hand-but above my line of vision. He stands and smiles at me, ready to make a speech.

“To make up for not being able to write out ‘Happy Birthday’, I did a little art work for you instead”

His voice SOUNDS like a smiley face. And with a flourish, he presents me with….. the cake.

it's an original.

it’s an original.

He had doodled on our cake. And he was completely adorable, and so proud of himself. It made our fancy fudge torte into something so much more. He infused it with his sweet goofiness. I wanted to hug him, but thanked him instead.

And everyone loved it.

Easy Bake takes over the world

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I recently had the pleasure of rekindling an old love affair…. with easy bake oven.

We gave one away as a gift, with a couple amazing looking cake and cookie mixes. (red velvet cake!!) Things sure have changed since my easy bake days…. for some reasons I only recall toasting pumpkin seeds in mine….

Sammy and I decided to get our own oven right away, so we could start creating fantastic culinary delights in mere minutes for everyone at home. We looked at the mixes next…. and made a solid choice of cheese pizza snacks and chocolate whoopee pies. BONUS, the oven also came with chocolate chip cookie mix.

Last night, we took out the easy bake and made magic happen.

This was better than christmas
This was better than Christmas
sweeeeet

sweeeeet

So we got right to baking. First up, mini cheese pizza bites. The box has little envelope of powder for everything, dough, marinara sauce, cheese sauce, even an egg glaze?! Just add water and stir, we all fought over who got to stir first.

itty bitty pizza dough
itty bitty pizza dough
then add the sauce..
then add the sauce..
squirt on some ?real? cheese...

squirt on some ?real? cheese…

it was crappy. but THEY loved it.

it was crappy. but THEY loved it.

We finished last night with chocolate chip cookie. Bites. Because finished, they are the size of a piece of cookie crisp cereal.

mix it up Jenna!

mix it up Jenna!

ready to bake!

ready to bake!

it's amazing!!

it’s amazing!!

pretty damn tasty!

pretty damn tasty!

We save the challenge for today. Chocolate whoopee pies. It seemed pretty simple, until you have to mess with the dough. I could not take pictures because I had chocolate dough all over my hands. Sticky doesn’t even begin to cover it. I used flour, it was still impossible to get a perfect round ball on that baking sheet. No 8 year old could ever do this alone.

The box. Notice how individual results may vary....

The box. Notice how individual results may vary….

tag team mixing

tag team mixing

adding the filling-after washing my hands!

adding the filling-after washing my hands!

our finished pies. Yummmm :)

our finished pies. Yummmm 🙂

This is way too fun for just kids. It still feels like magic!! Why don’t more therapists incorporate the use of easy bake oven when working with clients? You can’t possibly feel like there is no point in living once you’ve discovered the possibilities….

Guys…Product Details Our next challenge.

don’t bother washing your hands

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courtesy of smartsign.com

courtesy of smartsign.com

For some reason, it bothers me when I see this sign…..

The same sentiment is posted in pretty much every store and restaurant bathroom I have frequented. With little ones, I do tend to find the bathrooms everywhere I go pretty quickly.

My issue? WHY do only the people who work there have to wash their hands? Shouldn’t EVERYONE have to wash their hands? Is it rude to ask someone to wash their hands unless they work for you??

So by directing only the employees to be hygienic, I just feel like a lot of people could get the wrong idea. Like… “great, I don’t have to wash my hands since I don’t work here!”

Or maybe someone visiting from another country, or planet, gets confused and thinks they aren’t ALLOWED to wash their hands? Because they aren’t employees?

Nothing surprises me.

So I think the best idea is to be really clear.

Perhaps a sign that says “Everyone! Wash your hands before you leave this bathroom!! And if you work here, and don’t wash your hands, you will be fired. Immediately. And everyone will point and whisper about your dirty, poopy hands as you are escorted out. And if you don’t work here, and don’t wash your hands, you will be ridiculed and kicked out for being disgusting. Have a nice day!”

Birthday Parties stop crime

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Image result for birthday party

My version of hell

So Sammy turns 5 tomorrow.

Of course we are planning ANOTHER unforgettable, amazing party to celebrate. And every year I say I’m not going to do this again, and EVERY year I cave…. because I am weak. And I want my kids to love me. And not having a birthday party might cause some damage that could contribute to poor choices later in life.

“I (insert crime) because my parents didn’t value me enough to have birthday parties for me as a child. So I continue to act out…..”

So in my efforts to keep the kids wholesome, and positive contributors to society… I have ridiculous parties that become so stressful that I swear never to do it again. Until the next time.

Because Charles Manson probably didn’t have any birthday parties as a kid…….just sayin’