I don’t want to succeed

junk

courtesy of superhealthykids.com

This week, I had a plan.

Eat healthy, get back to working out every day.

I’m sabotaging myself, and not feeling guilty enough about it yet.

What do burger king onion rings, chocolate peanut butter brownies, skittles, Starbucks beverages, peppermint patties, and lots of chocolate ice cream have in common???

Equal contribution to my failure and gluttonous satisfaction.

And so, tomorrow…. probably…. I will do better.

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A rocky start….

jumbo

A person may not even like the taste of white jelly beans….but when you tell them not to eat them, they become the most desirable thing ever.

This is my issue right, except insert “onion rings from burger king” instead of “white jelly beans”. And I do like the taste of them, both onion rings AND white jelly beans.

You know how I kind of made that big promise to myself, to try really really hard to eat better and work out more? Well, I’m getting ready to work out now-I will probably run out of time to actually get to it because of my procrastinating, but I am at least dressed for it, so we’ll see how it goes.

I also said, NO more onion rings!!

I don’t eat them every day. Probably has been about once a week though, and that is far too much. So no, I will not eat them anymore.

Except, I am craving them. Craving them because I can’t have them….. and it’s not helping that I drove past THREE Burger Kings today. Three!!!

I was so proud yesterday, I drove by them as I munched on grapes and carrot sticks. Today, I sulked in my car past the first one. Then the second one. Then I had a problem.

I was finished with work, but had about 30 minutes to kill before picking up my son from school. Not enough time to go home and drop off the babysitter, but plenty of time to swing in for some deep fried, delicious onion rings. I was really desperate because I know I lack willpower. I had to do something to avoid driving past the last burger king too soon, or I knew I’d give into temptation.

I stopped at Super K-mart instead. Wandered the aisles, buying underwear for the kids, bleach and Clorox wipes for me, and a box of Keebler JUMBO fudge sticks, for no good reason. I spent $80 to avoid spending $3.00 on onion rings. Then, I still almost gave in, I had ten minutes left, plenty of time for hot grease!!

God was kind enough to put a big Semi in my path, directly in front of the burger king. I thanked him, and made it to school without succumbing.

Then, as I sat in the car line for 25 minutes, waiting for my son…. I ate two Jumbo fudge sticks. 160 calories each.  I could have eaten more.

Baby steps.

Desperation and dangerous deliciousness

I’m a snacker.

I love to have something sweet, especially when I’m up at night, enjoying my freedom from everyone else.

This is dangerous, because I no longer have the metabolism to support my shameless snacking. And I’ve developed a habit, a real habit for snacking on garbage.

So I went through all the cycles one must go through when confronting their snacking habit. I ignored it. I lied to myself about it. And to others, if they dared question where their mini snickers bar went. Really, why would  you even try to keep that where I could find it? I pretended if I just went back for ONE piece of candy, 50 times… that it was better than just grabbing the bag and eating all of it. Finally I admitted it. I had a problem.

So I thought I outsmarted my weak willed self, by not buying any candy! No snacks for me. No hidden licorice or jelly beans to grab. No chocolate covered anything. No mini chocolate donuts.

Sigh.

That lasted a couple days. And tonight I’m scavenging for something. Anything to feed this craving. No, I don’t WANT an apple, or a yogurt, or peanuts…. or any of the completely delicious and healthy things I force my kids to snack on every day.

No.

I want sugar, the kind that puts holes in your teeth. The kind that pulls out your fillings, sweet, chewy, delicious and bad for you. And I have NONE.

So on my 3rd round through the cabinets, looking for any morsel that may have been hidden too well from myself…. I find my fix. Delicious and gummy, coated in sugar. How did I not notice these before? And assorted fruit flavors! It might just work.

gummy

So happy to be vitamin D deficient right now. Don’t even talk to me about the dangers of overdose… I’m a medical professional, I’ve got this covered.