My little monster

 

Don’t be fooled by my innocent smile…..

 

I just want to say, the 15 year old was right. As much as I hate to agree, his baby sister is kind of a monster. Sometimes.

She loves school, grabs my hand and drags me into the building in the morning, and is beaming when I pick her up at the end of the day. She believes it is “her” classroom, and the other kids and teachers are there for her entertainment. She does not miss me at ALL.

Monster, right?

And suddenly, she’s way more independent and impatient with the rest of us. As I’m sitting in the car, waiting for the cars in front of me to move so we can park and walk in….she starts to get belligerent in the back seat. “Mommy!, why are we taking so long! My teacher is waiting for me!” She doesn’t seem to care that I literally can’t get out of the car yet, and so threatens to stop being my best friend if I dare continue to keep her away from the teachers who are desperately waiting for her inside.

On the way home yesterday, she is holding her water bottle in the back–thirsty after school. As I’m on the highway, and in no way able to turn around and help her, she decides she can’t hold it a second longer and I need to take it from her now, now, NOW!

I tell her no, hold it herself…. and Sammy starts to talk about wanting to go out to eat somewhere. He’s listing the choices of places for me to choose from, and Jenna breaks in:

“Well, YOU both can go, I’M not going with you! I’m going to stay home all by myself!” (Complete with wide eyes and head bobbing for emphasis) “Because YOU won’t hold my water bottle!”

We have some back and forth, with her emphatic that she will stay home alone, and will also not let anyone in to HER house, and me wondering if I’m going to get pegged with a water bottle in the back of the head…..

And poor Sammy in the background trying to tell me “don’t talk to her momma….” (because she’s mean of course….)

As much as I worry about her strong, super sized personality…… I still love it. I love the attitude and I love knowing she’s got something I never had at her age–call it confidence, bravado, an unrealistic sense of self importance…whatever…..  she’s not afraid to speak up for herself and it took me decades before I could do that.

And then late last night she called out for me, having a bad dream and wanted me to sleep next to her. And I loved cuddling up to her…..it was great for about 5 minutes…. then she asked me to move over and stop touching her 😦

Definitely monster.

 

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Friday flop

Now that school is back in session, we don’t get to stay up late until Friday rolls around.

This week I kept reminding the kids to motivate them through waking up early and going to bed early…..Friday’s almost here!!

We usually let them stay up pretty late, watch movies, eat popcorn, play games. Daddy can always depend on them to wait up for him when he finally gets in from work.

So tonight, we were all set… went to the park for a couple hours after school and got home by 8pm. Everyone had a snack, showered, settled together on the couch to pick out a movie. I had my laptop appropriately in my lap, and was catching up on some emails.

Next thing I know, I wake up to the sound of Dora and her friends singing about how they couldn’t have done it without me…….. and no signs of life around me.

Lightweights…..

Clearly, we need to build up our Friday late-night stamina.

 

 

 

Kids in the hall for dummies

A tragedy has come to my attention.

A grievous injustice.

At what point did The Kids in the Hall become unknown???

If you don’t know what I’m talking about….then you are partly responsible for the senseless loss of humor occurring at this very moment.

I can’t let it continue. Click on that link. Educate yourself. Don’t allow my secret crush, Dave Foley to fade into obscurity.

I tried to explain the magic of this particular comedy group to my oldest…. she walked away, leaving me watching YouTube videos on my kitchen floor. I feel sorry for her. She will never understand why I sometimes crush her head when standing across the room from her and she’s not looking. I alone have that power for now.

They’re from Canada. Another reason to love Canada, along with Justin Thoreau…..

So now, I have given you the tools…. watch, learn, repeat.

 

 

 

 

 

When things go missing

I had a plan the other night…. it was about 8:30 and I was going to let the kids watch something before bed for a treat…. and to keep them away from me so I could get some computer charting done for work.

But where was the remote?

It’s always in a predictable place, but after checking the usual places, and then more places, I started to worry. I couldn’t focus on anything until I found it. Grilled the little kids, checked with the older kids….no ideas for me.

I thought back, and couldn’t recall when I last had the TV on, could it have been days ago? Did my toddler nephew hide the remote when he was over Sunday? Possibly in the pantry where he likes to hide and poop? Nope, not in the pantry. Not under the tables, in any of the other rooms, in the toy boxes, on the mantle. Not in the basement, the bathrooms, my room, my kids rooms…..

Time ticked by…. no remote. After a good hour, I was standing on a chair, looking from a higher place to see if I could find it. Then I saw it. Tucked in next to a dish filled with decorative flowers, the highest shelf of the entertainment center, way off to the side…

The babysitter hid it, then forgot to put it back.

This she does because she has a hard time telling the kids “no”. So she hides the remote, and tells them she can’t find it so they can’t watch TV.

Sometimes I will be cleaning, and find a hidden cache of annoying toys that have been silently tucked away and forgotten…… in an unused cabinet in the basement, or under a couch….

 

 

I found the kids Easter baskets, full of candy, hidden in the top of the pantry last month. Those poor milk chocolate rabbits just dying for some attention.

I’ve asked her not to hide things…. the kids are used to being told “no” if I don’t want them to have something. Besides, they’re on to her, the 6 year old seeing through her excuse that his kindle disappears when she comes over…. but she can’t help it.

I expect when we eventually move, we’re going to find all sorts of things we will have long since forgotten, hidden by a well-intentioned sitter who doesn’t like to be the bad guy. I guess I could put a positive spin on it, and treat every day after work like the scavenger hunt it is.

 

 

 

 

Boys are from outer space

Sometimes I feel like my boys just don’t understand me. I wonder what makes it so hard for me to communicate with them meaningfully, because it seems like they will do the exact opposite of what I say-with a smile on their faces, as if it is a good thing they aren’t listening. Almost as though they come from some other planet, where ignoring your parents is actually good manners and expected.

Sammy has become amazingly good at misbehaving in public places, strategically avoiding eye contact, thus avoiding “the look”, and staying just out of arms reach,thwarting my attempts at a quick swat when no one is looking. It is uncanny how he just knows exactly when he will be able to get away with something because I’m powerless at that moment to stop him. Weird alien sense of self preservation?? Perhaps.

 

Exhausting. And so hard to understand when I am told by everyone how well behaved he is at school. Unless he’s got them all brainwashed with his alien mind control powers.

I am fed up with finding all sorts of weird objects stuck at the uppermost and difficult spots to reach in the house. Socks. Rubber dinosaurs. Plastic balls and frogs, a million of them. Every time I drag a ladder into the house and try not to die in my attempt to remove them….. more just appear.  I think this might be some sort of extraterrestrial home decorating that I just don’t appreciate. It must be in their DNA to do it. I’m sure they can’t help it.

I don’t know how the teen manages to get out of most chores I ask him to do. It all starts the same way, I’ll ask, or suggest that he vacuum something….. and suddenly everything goes fuzzy…. I have vague memories of some sort of verbal dialogue between us, he appears to be offended and suddenly far too busy….. and the next thing I know he’s gone. And I’m vacuuming. Possibly more alien mind control??

They have secret handshakes. Elaborate ones that involve a lot of fist bumping and weird finger moves. I think the secret handshake is just a cover for their secret alien communication…. they’re plotting against me, I know it.

I don’t understand them at all. Frankly, they scare me. They seem to stay pretty mellow and not aggressive as long as I keep enough things in the house they like. Yogurt, beef jerky,  pancakes, basketballs, Pokémon.

You have boys??

Word of advice. It’s pointless to yell at them about all the dirt they track around your house. It’ll just confuse them. On their planet, dirt is a status symbol…. they’re programmed to carry as much of it on their bodies and into the home as possible. All in the effort of improving your rank in the alien community. Probably better to just thank them.

How to win a trophy

Sammy finished his first T-ball season yesterday, and the coaches surprised the kids with a trophy for each of them.

Of course Sammy was feeling pretty self important and strutting around holding that trophy for the rest of the night.

We took it with us for celebratory ice cream, the trophy displayed rather blatantly at table center.

Jenna trailed behind Sammy the whole time, just wanting to be near. Of course she wasn’t allowed to get too close. I didn’t hear his explanation to her as he shut down her last attempt at sneaking a quick touch. But it all became clear…..

“Mom…..”  she began, with those big, earnest, brown eyes….

“So I can get a trophy when I’m six…..and a boy?”

Uh. Yes?

 

 

Possibly necessary greeting cards

Sometimes, a person may want to commemorate an event, or occasion with a card.

What if the occasion is not so common, but you still feel it is worthy of the notice that only a greeting card can provide?

In the interest of finding out just what’s out there…. or in case I find myself wanting to congratulate a friend on their adoption of a baby orangutan, I have done some research.

 

Cried Naked Greeting Card

cafepress.ca

Is this card about having a baby? Or something more ominous/weird? Is that a bald man with a bottle? Well, I guess you can celebrate whatever you want. But is he crying, or is it the person whose bed he’s in?

I Lost My Virginity Greeting Card

What I especially like about THIS particular card, is you can buy it in packs of 20, 10, or just a single card. Too bad it doesn’t come in packs of 50 to just increase the odds of success, and associated STD’s……

Dear Mom Thank You For Having Unprotected Sex Greetingcard

lookhuman.com

This kind of goes along with the card above, especially if it had been bought in bulk…..

 

 

 

Awwww… that’s sweet, right?

because-i-hate-you-greeting-cards-3

ufunk.net

…And the opposite of sweet…..

 

Looks kind of fun, doesn’t it? I’m going to continue looking for unusual cards, and maybe keep some handy for those occasions that just need more than a text. Like, sorry you’re in prison. Congratulations on being hepatitis free. Thanks for getting yourself fixed and denying the world any more of your progeny…. you know, those random moments we really want to cherish with others….

 

Another stitch fix review

My last stitch fix box was spot on, almost too perfect for me I thought. So when I sent a note to my stylist for the next box to come, I asked for things like me, but a little edgy or different. I asked for help with different colors since I always choose the same ones that I love. I wanted more tops that weren’t too casual or too dressy. And I updated my Pinterest page with tops I liked or even loved that others had gotten from stitch fix. Here are some tops I pinned….

Merch Blog; don't know why, but this blouse reminds me of poor, doomed Ophelia.  Love the delicate, watery florals.: Like the mix of patterns on this shirt and it looks like a beautiful, light material.: #stitchfix @stitchfix stitch fix https://www.stitchfix.com/referral/3590654 Daniel Rainn Estefany Lace Detail Split Neck Blouse $64: Got this Daniel Rainn blouse in my first fix, still my favorite thing!:

So I had a good feeling about this next box.

A few days ago, I got the email….my fix was on the way!!!  Of course I couldn’t wait and peeked at what they sent to me on my stitch fix app.

Oh. Well. Um……..

Maybe I’ll just wait for the box. Surely it won’t be so bad when I try them on.

I got my fix today.

Uh-Oh. That’s not a graduation cap….or a bookmark with a tassle….. It’s a shirt.

Ok, she’s right… I DID ask for something a bit away from my comfort zone. And more color.

But, I can’t. Just can’t do it. Not this one. It is just as bad as I anticipated. Words that come to mind when looking at/wearing this shirt include: Gidget, Baby-doll nightie, way too yellow, doily-esque….. and not me. For sure.

Weirdly fitted

This feels too much like dental hygienist, surgical scrub, hospital gown style, paired with an interesting split halfway up each side. I don’t know how this could be flattering on me, and I’d need to sew it together before I actually wore it.

This top is reminiscent of the furniture I had in the basement of my very first house. Except the flowered pattern was brown, and instead of crocheted lace, there was wood trim. But still. Oddly high waist with that little ruffle thing all the way around is also not flattering.

Ding-ding-ding-ding!!!  We have a winner!  It’s the black top I pinned, and I love the notched detail around the neckline. Thank goodness one can never have too many black shirts. At least I won’t waste my $20 style fee, right??

Overall a disappointment, but I at least learned more about what things I definitely don’t like. So, maybe if that was my stylist trying to find options out of the box, we can walk a bit closer to the box, or maybe off to another side of the box. But get away from this area for sure.

No, I’m not giving up on stitch fix. I think I’ll try to pin more, and give lots of good constructive feedback on the things I don’t like. I know, I just KNOW at some point I’m going to be completely wowed.

 

 

 

 

 

Starlight mints don’t get you elected

Be ashamed…..

 

Took the kids to the Fourth of July parade this morning, and positioned ourselves in the best spot for maximum candy exposure. No other kids right next to us, and close to the start of the parade path, so they don’t run out of the good stuff yet.

Other kids brought plastic bags, but we had our wagon, and even extra space in the secret compartment under the seat.

We saw the police, veterans, the bomb squad!, lots of organizations like churches, schools, and daycares even. And elected officials, plenty of them.

And here is where I see lost opportunity for them to solicit the vote, and also opportunity for me to get to really know those guys before it’s time to cast my ballot.

Sure, sure….  you’re handing me a flyer outlining your greatness that I must take before  you give me the tootsie pop, which is what I really want. I respect that, I do.

But… if you’re throwing starlight mints at me out of the windows of  your sports car as you drive smugly by….you’ve lost me. Even if you splurged and got the green mints. I just don’t feel that you care much about what I like, why MY needs are……

If you decide to throw those white individually wrapped peppermint lifesavers, you know, the ones that burn my mouth??  Well, I don’t think you even like yourself.

Are you a twizzlers thrower? Starburst, skittles, fruity taffy? Ok, I’ll take your candy, and even pay attention to the name on your banner. You are at least making an effort. But come voting day, I remember lots of fruit candy….. you aren’t going to stand out a whole lot.

We got two almond joy bars, and one tiny bite sized snickers. I wish I’d seen who tossed those to the ground in front of us… because obviously, that person has their finger on the pulse of voters everywhere. Clearly, you know what talks to us…. it’s not crappy peppermint or that cheap pink gum that loses flavor before you toss the wrapper.

Mini tootsie rolls…. you play it safe. Conservative. Lots of beige in your house.

And to the nestle crunch bar thrower….. just sad. If you’re going to commit to investing in chocolate, do it right…please. You’re the city representative that’s going to choose the quick fix ’cause it’s cheaper, instead of investing in the best option for your community. First it’s nestle crunch bars, then our basements are all flooding because you didn’t think we needed to worry about the drainage problems.

What???

You’re telling me I’m over analyzing, and this candy is actually for the kids?

You think I’d wake up late, race through the shower, force those kids out of bed and sprint, pulling a wagon holding 75 pounds of offspring like half a mile so I can get the best spot, wave to everyone like an idiot in the hot sun for almost an hour, and then give THEM the candy???

Huh…..

And you’re also out of touch with reality.

Final stash…..not bad. Frisbee, anyone??