Tag Archives: humor

mother/sister confusion

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The other day, my sister and I went somewhere together. Sometimes, we do that.

We went into a building and passed by a security guard. He looked over and smiled at us. “You must be mother and daughter, huh?” He kept smiling and continued “You look just alike, you probably get that all the time, huh?”

I smiled, but my mind was racing….. did he just….?  did he just ask me if I was her MOTHER?

Looking at my sisters smiling face. No, she wasn’t just smiling. She was laughing.

We continue on, stepping into an elevator. I’m inspecting myself in the reflection. “It’s the sweater…. it’s a total mom sweater….”. I asked one of the people in the elevator, “do I look like I could be her mom?!”  He looked confused. “NO!”, I helped him with the correct answer. “I DON’T!”.

Then he smiled knowingly, “you’re sisters huh?”

Clearly….. the first guy may have been completely blind. I don’t even remember him having eyes to be honest.

I give you exhibit A. A recent photo of two SISTERS at a play together…..

And exhibit B: 4 kids in the train at the mall. They all look under 10 to me. No mom-looking people here……

And exhibit C:

Hmmmm, so maybe I do tend to look overall more subdued. More mature in a very young and not mom-ish way. Definitely don’t look like I gave birth to that lady with the chopsticks….

And finally, exhibit D:

Oh, well isn’t that precious. She was my little bitty baby sister….. and I doted on her and probably did pretend to be her mommy back then. Just look at that little face…..

You know what? It’s really ok. I do kind of feel like a mom to her sometimes, I practiced my parenting technique on her before trying it out on my own kids…. thanks to the mistakes I made with my sister, my oldest has turned out pretty awesome.

Oh, I love that little sister of mine. Even if I am going to have to ugly her up a bit before we hang out together next time…. 🙂

 

I’m a sucker

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Sometimes the three year old gets in trouble. Hard to believe, I know.

Recently, I’m lecturing her on, say, the best way to clean the windows. (Hint, NOT with her tongue…) She interrupts me, and says “But do you still love me?” In a completely pitiful and forlorn voice.

And so it began. She asks if I love her. I tell her of course I love her. I never STOP loving her. We do this several times a day sometimes.

And somehow it’s developed into…. “Jenna! stop *insert behavior*!  She looks over at me, and says “but mom, I still love you!” And continues what she was doing. Sometimes she actually puts her hand on my cheek, and turns my face towards her. Then she tells me, very seriously, “I still love you…. I’ll NEVER stop loving you!” And then does what she wants…

What she means is, OK, you caught me, but look….I’m saying the right words, so I get a free pass, right?? Right???

Um… yep. Pretty much.

free spirit ?? Yea, that’s it….

Babysitter secrets

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I was having a conversation with my sister the other day, about a mutual friend who seems to have such conflicted feelings toward her babysitter.

Seems like the sitter is very nice, happy, friendly, responsible, and loving toward her child. He loves going over there. He is treated like family. Yet….. the friend was reluctant to leave him with her. Found fault with the way she did things, and seemed very suspicious of her.

My sister doesn’t understand how in the world this is possible. Especially since the babysitter is also a close friend of hers…and she can vouch that the girl is in fact NOT torturing or neglecting this child during the time she is watching him.

I decided to fill her in on the whole mom/babysitter relationship. At least how it sometimes goes.

For example, if you look on any babysitting site, there are ads from parents looking for that perfect person to watch their baby. But what they are asking for and what they really want aren’t always the same. In these cases, you need to read between the lines and understand that we don’t REALLY want you to love our kids. Maybe just a little, but not enough to make them love you BACK. Because then you’re competition. And that makes us hate you.

This might be a more honest look into the heart of a mom who has to work, and needs a sitter, but also hates the idea of needing a sitter, and worries about being replaced emotionally.

“In search of a dependable, efficient, no-nonsense sitter for my kids. Please be very kind to them, but also sometimes indifferent so they don’t start to love you, but instead always remember to love me more. No more than 3 hugs per day, which must be initiated by the child and tolerated by you. Absolutely no cute nicknames for them. Please do make them healthy and yummy lunches, but don’t cut the sandwich the special way that I cut it… and no pancakes made to spell their names. Just circles for you. If you witness a “first” moment, ignore it. Pretend it didn’t happen… save it for me. If they tell you they love you, pretend you just stubbed your toe and jump around yelling to distract them from those dangerous thoughts. Must be kind of irritable at the end of the day so they run to me with smiles when I come home.”

Or if you need visuals:

NO

YES

 

I may have experienced this myself…. so it’s possible that I know what I’m talking about just a tiny bit. It doesn’t make sense, but nothing makes sense after having kids anyway… In my own experience, I did finally come to really appreciate that the kids and the sitter DID love each other, and time made me realize that nothing-so far-has been able to replace me in their affections.

I think our friend is going through the same issue. Which sucks, but I guess I’d rather hate my sitter for loving my kids and making me jealous, than for actually being a shitty sitter. Ha, try saying that five times fast, shitty sitter, shitty sitter, shitty sitter….. can’t do it can you??

 

Another pee story

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Because you can’t really hear enough about pee, right?

There was an accident in the dining room today, as the 3 year old was playing hide and seek with her brother. A pee accident. Because she couldn’t come out of her hiding spot, so what was a girl to do?

After a tearful (on her part) and somewhat angry (on my part) discussion on the merits of peeing when you need to go vs “holding it”…. we came to an agreement. We agreed to still love each other even when one of us decides to pee our pants, and even if the other person is not very happy about it. And also that we really should take time to stop playing and go pee before it decides to make a grand entrance on a very expensive rug that your father may have a stroke over if he ever found out. She missed the rug…but it was close. Too close.

But as my husband hears the story, he seems so shocked….why did she do it?

Oh, I know.

And now for my next pee story.

I was somewhere around 5 or 6 years old. Playing at the neighbors house, and at some point realized I needed to pee. I think I was in a battle with my bladder, not wanting to allow it any power over me. I would be the one to choose my place and time of elimination, thank you very much! Not some brainless, hollow organ that can’t even stretch enough to let me finish playing a summer afternoon game of hide and seek.

At some point the urge grew from nagging to alarming. I crouched down, begging my body to just HOLD IT IN! I was doing fine, until I lost my balance, fell over and released Hoover Dam.

flikrhivemind.net

I then stood, and took stock of what I had to work with. Warm sunny day, very wet pants. Can’t blame it on falling in a puddle….. but I COULD blame it on falling in a puddle of BUBBLES! Of course, I would tell my parents we were playing with a lake of bubbles and silly me fell in. Surely they would buy it!

I still remember crying, insisting it was BUBBLES and not pee!!!  Isn’t it funny how indignant we get when someone doesn’t believe our perfectly plausible lie?

So I get it. I get that I will have to expect these moments here and there, and remind the youngest to pee sometimes when she’s doing her best to avoid it. And I’ll tell her all the stuff, like I did today, about how it’s bad to hold it in, and not good for your body etc….

What I won’t tell her is that I’ve just gotten sooooo much better at holding it. That’s right, pee, I’m totally the boss of you.

freeimages.com

3 year old confidence

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I really hope the 3 year old keeps her spunky attitude. That’s what someone said about her today, “she’s got spunk”. I am taking it as a compliment.

She had to go potty today, just now in fact…. called me when she was done. After I do my clean up job, she walks out of the bathroom singing “Hey mom, pee is #1, and poop is #2!”  She’s holding two thumbs up above her head, as she swaggers past victoriously.

I love that she’s so proud of herself and her poop.

Time for another Fix

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It’s that time again!!  Another Stitch Fix box to greet me after work yesterday….

It wasn’t AS exciting, since I already knew what was coming inside the box, thanks to the stitch fix app on my iPhone. You can scroll through photos of the items being sent to you even before you see them, and decide if you’re going to keep, send back, or even sell the clothes you don’t want on board like this, to try getting the 25% discount for “keeping” everything. So smart!!

Sooo, even before my box was here, I was able to send a text to my sister:

I’m pretty sure I had a shirt with a similar pattern in middle school…. but thankfully the sister loved it and already wanted to buy it so I didn’t have to bother selling it and she guaranteed my 25% discount.

I had been very specific with my stylist, asking for cropped jeans and pinning a lot of pictures of tops I liked on pinterest, they actually do check that stuff out!

Other than the mystery cardigan with no picture, I knew what I was getting… and I was pretty sure I was going to keep it all.

What IS it about opening the box, and seeing that bundle of different fabrics and colors that just makes me want to do a little dance??? I’m happy to say that even though I knew what was coming, it’s still super fun to try things on 🙂

My instinct was right on, I liked what I expected, and bought it all so I can pass the savings on to my sister when I drop off the top she wanted. Probably my only regret with this box is that it is too much like what I already buy… I would have liked that weird blouse to have been something a little different for me, something a little edgy that didn’t make me feel like a confused adult preschooler if I chose to wear it.

So I think for my next box, I am going to ask for styles that are kind of like “me”, but different….. whatever that means!

If you check out stitch fix, let me know what you think! Oh, and use me for a referral!! I’ll get 25 bucks, and you’ll get the enjoyment of your own little fashion box to share with the rest of us 🙂

 

Sunshine blogger award

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So I was just nominated by Amanda at Just in Queso for the sunshine blogger award 🙂 🙂

I totally accept and also urge you all to check out her blog, it’s pretty irresistible…. kind of like a yummy, melty, cheesy slightly sarcastic but always in good taste bowl of queso.

So here are the rules for this award:

  1. Answer the 11 questions from the person nominating you.
  2. Nominate 11 other awesome bloggers, and give the 11 questions to answer.

Not too bad, right?

Here are my assigned questions:

1.What is your favorite snack?

So this is actually a really hard question for me to answer… because I am a shameless snacker and I don’t want any of my favorites to feel left out. Let’s say popcorn mixed with jelly beans or sour patch kids is pretty  high up there. All things chocolate of course, and homemade banana splits with plenty of m&m’s, hot fudge, strawberry sauce, peanuts, and whipped cream…. and a brownie… a brownie on the bottom.

2. Where is your happy place?

In my imagination…. it always beats reality.

3. What is a sound you enjoy hearing?

Am I too cheesy if I say something like “the sound of my kids laughter”? Also silence… I like the sound of silence a whole lot.

4. Tell us something weird/interesting about you.

Hmmmmm. In elementary school I once taped a cotton ball over my eye and kept it on all day to garner sympathy and attention from my classmates. Current weird problem is that I can’t stop swallowing my gum.

5. What is one thing you would change about yourself?

Probably my desire to change things about myself…

6. What is one of your strengths?

I’m going to say multi-tasking, and organization. God, that sounds horribly boring and depressing.

7. How is May going for you so far?

I feel pretty good about May so far…. it has seen my lose 3 lbs and let’s hope it doesn’t see me put it and more back on 🙂

8. What is your favorite thing to do with close friends?

Well this is definitely a “what if” question, as I never actually get to see my close friends. Last time I saw my best friend, we met up in the Starbucks parking lot so I could grab my girl scout cookies from her and then drive away, each on to our next duty. On the rare occasion our schedules line up… we usually spend the time asking each other what we want to do, until time is almost up and then we just go eat somewhere close and lament out inability to make decisions.

9. What’s the last movie you saw? What did you think of it?

The jungle book, I took the 2 youngest with me to see it. I liked it! Extra points for the movie popcorn mixed with sour patch kids and reclining theater seats.

10. What is your least favorite “adulting” task?

Waking up early, after I’ve stayed up reading far too late. And all the driving around crap….hate that too.

11. Tell us about a scar you have and how you got it.

Once I was riding my bike home from a friends house, maybe 10 years old. I had my bathing suit in a plastic bag on my handle bars. The bag got pulled between the fender and the wheel and instead of stopping, I tried to untangle it while I kept riding. Drifted to the side, and ran right into the back of a parked car. It’s a little hazy, but I ended up on my back with my chin bleeding. Had to ride home with a wonky front tire and blood running down my neck. I ended up with stitches, and a nice scar under my chin.

Here are my nominees, if they so choose to participate:

  1. parental ramblings
  2. single family asylum
  3. the shameful sheep
  4. the euphoric Iraqi single mom
  5. passports and pigtails

And the questions below 🙂

1.What is your first memory?

2. Who would you never share a fork with?

3. Are you a dog or cat person?

4. Biggest mistake you’ve made (yet)?

5. What have you done to get rid of the hiccups?

6. What’s your favorite joke?

7. What did you want to be when you grew/grow up?

8. What color do you look best in?

9. Best (untrue) excuse you’ve used to get out of something?

10. Would you ever look in the mirror and say “candyman” three times??? HAVE you??

11. Do you believe in psychics?

Ok guys… I’m looking forward to these responses if you find the time or interest to play along 🙂   Thanks again, Amanda from Just in Queso, an awesome blogger and cheese aficionado!

 

 

 

 

 

bad dreams = bad mom

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I may have mentioned that I do the “dream magic” for the kids at bedtime. I made it up for the oldest, during the afraid of the dark/bad dreams phase…. and introduced it to the 6 year old not too long ago. Now it’s a ritual, I HAVE to do it.

He’ll remind me so I don’t forget.

Seems to work, or at least he doesn’t usually remember any bad dreams…

Last night though, he woke up crying out. Somehow I didn’t hear but his daddy did and went to lie next to him in bed until he slept again.

This morning, I’m getting ready for work… just about to wake Sammy up for school. He comes walking into the bathroom, looking a little pissed. Hand on hip, he stops in front of me and narrows his eyes.

“Guess who did the dream magic wrong?!”

I had to laugh, out loud, because I wasn’t expecting that…. he believes so much in our little dream magic ritual, that he can’t fathom it not working….unless I screw it up.

Oh, he’ll make a great teen one day.

Dell hates me

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I bought a new laptop recently, from Dell.  Had it less than a month. Realized something was very wrong with it…..tried to return it.

This was yesterday, as I started my 2.5 hour drive to pick up my daughter from college, I also dialed the phone. It took the entire ride……

I spoke with about 6 people, in various departments and countries. I learned that tech support lives in India, but the returns department might be in Brazil.

They also don’t speak to each other. Maybe they are not allowed to interact, on penalty of death.

There is also a man, in the return department, who is under the impression that he is The Master Of Returns… and he takes that role very seriously. He told me my computer had to be returned by the day before, since that was the 30th day from the invoice date. I scoffed initially, one day??! Give me a break, you guys weren’t working at 10pm when I realized finally the problem was you, and not me…. and I actually DID try to return it online and print out the label, but since the computer itself is doing weird things, it doesn’t let me fill in things like my zip code and so I couldn’t complete the return online.

He thought that was very unfortunate for me.

I spent 35 minutes alone with just him on the phone. It was like banging my head into a wall. He could not, would not escalate my complaint. It is NOT POSSIBLE…. because he is the master, and no one else in the world of Dell will speak to me, a mere customer. There is no headquarters, there is no corporate office, there is NO one to make a policy exception, or even consider it. There is just…..him.

I tried to explain I want buy something BETTER….from them. Give them more money!!  I just don’t want THIS particular, defective from the start computer. I begged him to check my account, my years of loyal history with Dell, including the last laptop I bought, also defective, that they finally did replace with the wrong computer, twice…. and I still came back.

I have never been reduced to tears of frustration, but at the end of my call with him I was crying. I hated him. Before we hung up, because he threatened to disconnect me anyway…. I came very close to saying something personal to him. Like, I hate you. You are a horrible horrible man. I think you must be compensating for something……..

But I didn’t….

I kept trying… calling after I got home, and I think my grand total of Dell employees spoken to was about 14 by the end of the day.

2 people in the “complaint department” told me that the computer was actually shipped to me on the day AFTER the invoice date, so I actually COULD return the computer….but all they did was reconnect me to the department under the reign of the Bastard of Returns, and all employees there were quick to tell me to stop calling, they weren’t helping.

I spent a good 30 minutes being transferred back and forth from them, back to customer service/complaints… only to be told “oh hey, no I’ll talk to them and they’ll return it…” and switched back to be told “NO!”

Finally I talked to tech support, who I was avoiding…. because I had been through that in the past and I didn’t want to fix it, I just wanted a computer that worked. From the start. For once.

Well, the guy was nice. He read the miles of notes on my account. He did some stuff, maybe it worked, I don’t know yet… because the problems weren’t something you could reproduce…. you just have to wait and see if it happens….

4.5 hours of my day.

some off those hours crying.

I am a broken person.

Dell… you have no soul.

 

Can’t be unseen….

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whisper.sh

One day I was at work, minding my own business….working…..

A nurse came to speak with me. After we talked about work stuff, we kept talking. I don’t know how it happened, but she began to tell me about some crazy/strange/freaky movies she’s seen.

One was about a crazy doctor who wants to make a human centipede.

If you’ve seen this movie, you understand and probably don’t have to read any further. If you don’t know what I’m talking about…… DON’T watch it.

Don’t.

But, if you’re like me….. you will listen in disgusted fascination to her synopsis of the film…. you will make disgusted faces at the appropriate times. You will say “That’s disgusting!” And you will mean it.

But then you will find yourself at 2am on a Saturday night/Sunday morning with everyone asleep in the house…bored…not tired…and think to yourself, “Hey, let’s just see what that movie is all about….”

And you will rent it from Amazon because you forgot to check and see if it’s free on Netflix, wondering why you are PAYING for this trash. And you will watch it. Immediately realizing it is beyond disgusting. It is more than creepy. It is psychologically damaging. And yet, you are compelled to watch the whole thing…praying at one point that the girl gets away, that she just drops her friend and runs, that the doctor realizes what a freak he is, that no one survives the surgery…..  although you know none of your prayers will come true.

And as events unfold, becoming more and more disturbing, you want to stop watching but now you HAVE to know how it ends.

Finally….. close to 4am, you find yourself exhausted, horrified, and you want to take off the top of your head and scrub out the filth that has just collected there.  And you know, with certainty, you will never forget what you’ve just seen.

It’s been a couple days, I’m trying to distance myself from that experience. Of course the more you want to forget something….

It keeps popping into my head, and I can’t complain to my husband about how gross I feel because he would just blame me for watching it in the first place. He’s right!!

And so I went to work today, saw that nurse. Told her I watched the movie, and she asked me if I’d watched part 2 yet. I think there might be something wrong with her. And me….because I am now wondering if I need to watch it just to stop myself from wondering what in the world could happen in part 2?????