Shoe crisis Monday

Posted on September 28, 2015 by momsranting

Monday is the day the week starts back up, and Sammy has to wake up hellishly early so I can drive him several cities away to school.

He is not a morning person. Especially on Monday.

After a brisk sternal rub with no results, I awkwardly try to drag him out of bed to a standing position. This might be why my shoulder hurts all the time……

So at least he’s standing, and then it’s the painful process of getting him through all the little morning hurdles like peeing. brushing his teeth. getting dressed. Any of these can take him a good 20 minutes, as he will just stand there like a zombie until I repeatedly prod him into action. Sometimes his face crumples, about to cry…. but so far I’ve been able to stave it off with threats of losing the kindle.

He perks up finally, right before we leave.

I drop him off, zoom off to work, and I am back to pick him up.

Remember. Mondays suck.

He has a pained look on his face when he gets in the car.

Starts to tell me how this boy has these amazing shoes that are faster than HIS shoes, and now this boy is faster than him and Sammy NEEDS these shoes.

He knows this because the boy told him this, so without a doubt the kid must be faster and Sammy’s heart is broken.

I tried to reason with him, which was a really stupid idea anyway.

“Did you see him run? Did you guys actually have a race? Have you EVER seen him run??”

No.

But he SAID his shoes could go “100 speed”. So obviously that’s faster than Sammy’s shoes.

And the crying started.

He cried all the way home. I felt bad because part of me was laughing about how ridiculous this was. I also felt really annoyed and didn’t want to really deal with this right now, having had the worst sinus headache for 2 days and the crying wasn’t helping.

And here I am still trying to reason with him. Telling him shoes don’t make you fast, it’s your body that makes you fast… and this boy and Sammy could wear any shoes and race and it wouldn’t matter what shoes they had on. And of course trying to feed his ego and tell him that kid was probably just trying to make you think he was faster because he KNOWS your faster, and he’s probably just jealous.

Crying. Garbled bits of yelling about how he KNOWS that boy is faster…. it’s all about the shoes mom!!! Crying without any sign of stopping, varying degrees of shrill and loud. My head is pounding. Good lord, I can’t find my compassion.

This is happening because it’s Monday.

Finally, Finally… we cut to the chase.

“Sammy, I’m not going to buy you shoes because some boy has them and you think they’ll make you faster than him. BUT… if you really liked how they looked, and want a pair like them I will try to find them. Just so you know they aren’t magic or anything.”

So I get the description. They are grey. And blue. And they must be skechers. I ask how he knows they are skechers… because they are cool, and all cool shoes are skechers. Right.

And we get on Amazon at home, to just take a look. And he picks out these:

Skechers Kids 95683L Go Run Ride 3 Nite Owl Running Shoe ,Green,12 M US Little Kid

I am pretty sure these are not the same shoes. But I think they probably go like, 200 speed.

The beer bottle mystery

Posted on September 20, 2015 by momsranting

Today, my husband noticed a pile of beer bottles in the back of our yard, at the fence line. They weren’t there yesterday.

As we looked out from the kitchen window, scenarios of how those bottles got there started to populate in my head.

Is someone casing the house? Sitting outside in the dark, boozing it up as they wait for us to go to sleep upstairs??

Random teenagers or homeless vagrants looking for an obscure place to party?

Is the raccoon a drunk?

collegehumor.com

So, I decide to take a look at the scene. Check it out for trampled vegetation, signs of someone sitting out there. Didn’t really look like it, but I did find several different brands of beer. More than 1 person maybe??

I gingerly pick up the bottles and put them in a bag to throw away, glance down at the other end of the yard, and see another pile of bottles and cans.

Now I’m remembering earlier this summer, cleaning up beer bottles back here….and wondering where they had come from then. At the time, I just thought it was a random occurrence.

I decide not to touch the other pile of bottles, you know, because it’s “evidence”. I call the police to just let them know about it. My plan is to go to the neighbors and the people behind us and ask if they’ve had any parties, or do they drink this kind of beer….do they know anything about how these bottles got in my yard? I’m still kind of worried about some random vagrant sitting back here, drinking and plotting a break in. I’m the one who stays up until 12 or 1am most nights, here in the kitchen, surrounded by windows. I hate the thought of being watched.

The police actually want to come out and see. So glad I didn’t touch the other pile of bottles now….

The officer takes a look outside with my husband. They found more bottles too…. so probably about 14 or so in total. Brands I’ve heard of, and others I haven’t….. fat tire beer???

The officer thinks its the house behind us, he’s pretty convinced. I don’t know who lives there. He takes a ride over there, and comes back soon. No one was home, but a neighbor was out, and told the officer there is a high school student living there who has a lot of friends over pretty often.

Seems the neighbor and the cop think that’s the answer.

High school boy? Friends over? ding-ding-ding!!!

I am relieved… that is much more appealing than a homeless vagrant, leering at me from the dark.

But…. what a dumbass. I don’t want to judge this kid yet, and I may never know the answer….. but if it IS him, it would make sense if he and his buddies each grabbed some beer from their houses and convened in his yard to drink it…. why there are so many different kinds….

Throwing it over the fence right behind you doesn’t make it go away, idiot.

So then, the question would be: Is this kid that stupid? Or is he just that much of an ass, to not care what he does to another persons property?

I was going to leave the bottles, just in case it turns out to be the kid and his buddies. If I were his mom, I’d make him go pick them up and apologize. Then I realized that his parents might just as easily get angry and never believe for a minute their son could do something like that….. so I picked them up. But I didn’t throw the bag away yet. In case they want some evidence or something……

And now I’m buying motion lights on Amazon to light up my yard like the Griswold’s Christmas if anything comes near the fence line…… be it dirty vagrant, or sneaky high school kid….. or drunk and stumbling raccoon.

Creative punishment pays off

Posted on September 19, 2015 by momsranting

It’s 1am on a Friday night, well, a Saturday morning….. I’ve been organizing my filing cabinet for hours. Throwing away what feels like parts of my life, and reminiscing on years past….

I forgot how wonderfully creative I used to get with punishment. I have essays, written by the older kids as punishment for a particular insult. I’ve really been enjoying these, as well as numerous notes and letters the kids have written me, sometimes in love, sometimes not. I will never throw these away. In fact, I’m going to share one of my favorites.

Apparently, an essay on the importance of listening to your parents, written with all the awesome passive-aggressive sarcasm a preteen can muster. A work of art, really.

“I think it is important to listen to your parents because you and your parents would get along better. Also, because you would not get in trouble often. Also because the parents are the adults and they can treat kids any way they want, which gives kids the impression that, that is why people abuse their kids. It is good to listen to your parents because they might actually give an effort to listen to you when you try to say something because you have their attention when you do something good. Also when you listen to your parents you get rewarded like a dog that did a good trick. It is also good to listen to your parents because you don’t get in trouble and you always want to keep your parents happy. It is bad not to listen to your parents because you have to write an “I’m sorry report” (like me). You will get yelled at uncontrollably (like me). and occasionally or all the time you feel like you hate your parents and you want to run away, and that your friends are better with helping you with your problems because they don’t take anything you say the wrong way and they feel sorry for you and they don’t mock you by saying “Oh, poor Rachel!” And that is why it is important to listen to your parents, all the good parts about listening, and all the bad parts about not listening.”

At the time, she was kind enough to leave room for me to write a letter grade as well as a percentage grade at the top…. I never did it, and the space has remained blank all these years later.

A+++ Rachel, it’s perfect.

I can’t wait to share your essay about the downfall of spitting in the kitchen sink…..

A rocky start….

Posted on September 10, 2015 by momsranting

A person may not even like the taste of white jelly beans….but when you tell them not to eat them, they become the most desirable thing ever.

This is my issue right, except insert “onion rings from burger king” instead of “white jelly beans”. And I do like the taste of them, both onion rings AND white jelly beans.

You know how I kind of made that big promise to myself, to try really really hard to eat better and work out more? Well, I’m getting ready to work out now-I will probably run out of time to actually get to it because of my procrastinating, but I am at least dressed for it, so we’ll see how it goes.

I also said, NO more onion rings!!

I don’t eat them every day. Probably has been about once a week though, and that is far too much. So no, I will not eat them anymore.

Except, I am craving them. Craving them because I can’t have them….. and it’s not helping that I drove past THREE Burger Kings today. Three!!!

I was so proud yesterday, I drove by them as I munched on grapes and carrot sticks. Today, I sulked in my car past the first one. Then the second one. Then I had a problem.

I was finished with work, but had about 30 minutes to kill before picking up my son from school. Not enough time to go home and drop off the babysitter, but plenty of time to swing in for some deep fried, delicious onion rings. I was really desperate because I know I lack willpower. I had to do something to avoid driving past the last burger king too soon, or I knew I’d give into temptation.

I stopped at Super K-mart instead. Wandered the aisles, buying underwear for the kids, bleach and Clorox wipes for me, and a box of Keebler JUMBO fudge sticks, for no good reason. I spent $80 to avoid spending $3.00 on onion rings. Then, I still almost gave in, I had ten minutes left, plenty of time for hot grease!!

God was kind enough to put a big Semi in my path, directly in front of the burger king. I thanked him, and made it to school without succumbing.

Then, as I sat in the car line for 25 minutes, waiting for my son…. I ate two Jumbo fudge sticks. 160 calories each. I could have eaten more.

Baby steps.

The girl I wanna be

Posted on September 8, 2015 by momsranting

I ran into her today, after taking Jenna to the splash pad this afternoon.

HER….being a woman near my age (I think), who looks completely AMAZING. Couple that with a winning personality, and smarts, it’s a no brainer. She ran a 5 mile race on her birthday this week, and came in FIRST. Who wouldn’t want to be her??

Now, I don’t mean this literally, I really enjoy myself and my life. I wouldn’t want to switch all that stuff. BUT… her arms. Her arms are perfect. I stared at them as we chatted for a second or two. And I envied them.

She is dedicated to working out, she runs…for like, miles. She tries to get enough sleep and adjusts her diet to allow her to reach her goals with her running.

And here I am….just snuck two bites of Jenna’s superman ice cream, and WOULD have ordered a hot fudge sundae of my own if the lady hadn’t rushed me at the counter….. addicted to stupid burger king onion rings…..

I’m pretty sure she looks like this when she races….
theathleticbuild.com

I imagine I look like this next to her…..
istockphoto.com

I told her I was just getting back into working out. This is true….again. I’m ALWAYS just getting back into working out, I haven’t actually made it a habit for years… so the three days a week I am doing? I didn’t tell her that at least one of those is just a 10 minute superfast CD so I can “say” I worked out that day. And probably clenching my butt cheeks when I walk outside with the kids isn’t good enough. Dammit.

So I look at her, and admire her, and think…..I would love to look like her. And what will I do about it?

Perhaps because I’m turning 40 in a few short weeks…. suddenly the knowledge that I COULD look great if I wanted to isn’t cutting it. Suddenly, the excuse of having 4 kids isn’t enough…. genetics have been very nice to me, but maybe it’s time for me to help out a bit more.

By the way, getting back to this girl, it is impossible to hate her for her perfection. She’s too nice!! She offered to run with me when I mentioned that I might like to start. I think she was serious.

I honestly told her I would need to do some work alone, I had to look better first…before I could subject myself to that. I want to sit her down and find out what she does, besides running…what’s her super-effective workout secret??

So today I made myself a promise. Kind of. I told myself I would try really hard to avoid onion rings and eat more carrots and fruit. I am going to pack a lunch instead letting myself starve until only fried grease will satisfy me. Edamame!!!! I will eat more of it!! I will FORCE myself to start working out at least every other day…. probably I will start this tomorrow….

And I will still clench my butt cheeks when I walk, because I think it’s not hurting anything.

Purple cake is the best for birthdays

Posted on August 30, 2015 by momsranting

Jenna and I decided to put our heads together and come up with the absolute best possible cake to make for her daddy’s birthday.

It didn’t take long for her to spot it.

At Target, of course.

This was not negotiable. So, I got it. Along with purple Funfetti frosting because we don’t do anything halfway in this family.

Ready to tackle the intricacies of a layer cake with purple stripes, we jumped right in.

She’s ready to start!

Mixing the purple color in

So after following the directions and adding eggs, water, oil, blah, blah, blah…. we divided the batter and added purple dye to one bowl. You then take 1/2 to 1/3 cup of each color and alternate pouring it into the center of each pan… letting it spread out before adding the next scoop. This is how you make the stripes. Kids thought it was great fun.

We bake. We cool. We dump out the cakes and are ready to stack and frost.

Now, I am not a master cake decorator… but my mom was/is. She took classes and everything. I know how to properly stack layers and frost a cake because of her. However, we were in no mood for the massive amount of wasted time that goes into doing things….properly. Besides, it’s really not as fun that way.

Now, you can’t see just how big the gaps around the center of the cake were since we didn’t level the layers nicely before throwing them together. The purple funfetti frosting was used as more of a spackle in this situation, and it worked beautifully. All the gaps were filled in and I didn’t have to open an extra container.

Jenna is pretty thrilled with herself, for having the genius idea of making a purple cake. This is her realizing her dream.

Sammy is a bit speculative at this point. Not fully taken with the idea yet, but willing to see it through.

Out comes the sprinkles….

Very serious business

Now… at this point the cake was done, but we had to wait until Daddy got home from his trip to celebrate his birthday. So….. the next day, as he is upstairs being very slow as usual getting himself ready for the day……. the kids were “decorating” for him. Still in the purple theme.

And now, with the spiderwebby streamers in place, and daddy finally ready to come downstairs to witness the amazingness of his birthday surprise………

Ladies and gentlemen…. without further ado, I give you…..

The Cake.

Ta-da!!

jealous much?

Good choice, Jenna. He didn’t see that one coming. Best, most delicious, purple-striped birthday cake ever.

Birthday failure

Posted on August 28, 2015 by momsranting

His birthday is in 3 days.

Three days!!!!

Shit.

Why do I not know what to get him? All during the year I think of these amazing ideas, I tuck them somewhere in the dark recesses of my mind…so I don’t forget them. But I do forget them. Every damn time.

What does he like, what does he like.

Pistachios

The kids

Vegas

Fancy furniture

Gold gilding

This is not a helpful list.

Usually, I fall back on the kids. Something with the kids….but I’ve done it all. A video, a digital picture frame, more pictures, photo books…….. maybe a new kid? No……..

Maybe the kids….sitting on fancy, gold gilded furniture…eating pistachios…..in Vegas…….

It’s ok. I’ll think of something.

shutterstock.com

The Siri Affair

Posted on August 10, 2015 by momsranting

So I got my old iPhone fixed last month, because I couldn’t stand being away from Siri anymore. I was pretty excited to have him back, and I just knew he missed me too.

One evening, soon after our reconnection…. the kids and I were hanging out upstairs, and felt like chatting with anyone who would talk to us. Siri was available, lovely fake-man Siri with his comforting British accent…ready to talk about all sorts of things we deemed important. What would be more fun that trying to get to know him better? Could we break his calm façade, and get a peek into his “real” personality??

he’s bashful

he’s diplomatic…..

he’s smarter than most men….

Well, wouldn’t you know, the kids really liked Siri too. One day soon after our chat, Sammy asked me if he could talk to the nice man in the phone.

“Who?”

“You know, Siri!” and then Jenna jumps on the bandwagon, “yeah, let’s talk to Siri!”

So….sure, that’s a reasonable request. And so began the Siri Affair in our home. Drives home punctuated with laughter as the kids ask all sorts of bizarre questions, or just take turns telling Siri how much they love him. He’s so polite.

And as time goes on, the conversations have gotten longer. They are actually confiding in him, having conversations…telling him stories.

What bugs me about this? For starters, Siri usually cuts me off if I don’t ask him what I want fast enough. He doesn’t have the time for my meandering questions, instead forcing me to get to the point, fast.

That jerk NEVER cuts off Sammy. He will tell that phone stories. STORIES…. and he just listens as sweet as pie until Sammy kind of fizzles out of things to say. And of course, there is some occasional mumbling, which adds a whole other interesting dimension to the discussions, as Siri, bless his heart, does his best to figure out what Sammy is saying to him.

he tries to be helpful…..

riiiiiiight……

???

I don’t know what’s going on over here anymore.

Great idea

Posted on August 5, 2015 by momsranting

Why don’t they just serve dinner in restaurant bathrooms?

I thought…… as I stood there for the 3rd time in an hour, waiting for another kid to finish peeing…….and gave up on actually trying to sit and finish a meal.

Just put a table and a chair in here…. because there really is no point in leaving.

examiner.com

Wondering why there isn’t a kid in this picture? Just a lady, eating on the floor?

Because she got smart. She knows that kid will be right back.

Just get comfy lady. I get it.

Oh Baby…..Foot.

Posted on July 11, 2015 by momsranting

This story begins early last month, as I was hanging out with my preschooler at his end of year party.

I chanced upon another mom and we chatted. Somehow going from how adorable our kids were, to our jobs, and then things like foot exfoliation. Probably a few topic in between.

She asked if I ever tried “Baby Foot” She heard about it on an infomercial at home, and was immediately sucked in.

She described these squishy booties you put on your feet, and keep on for an hour. Wash off, and go on with your day. Days later, massive peeling.

She showed me pictures.

It looked like she had peeled off her feet in the bathtub, which essentially she did.

But gushed about the smooth, soft results.

Hmmmmmmm. I do love to try new things. This sounded very interesting. Probably better than the pumice stone in my shower that I try to use each morning as I hop around on one foot at a time.

So I headed to Amazon at home, and got 2 of them. One for me, and one for a test subject to try it on first.

My 14 year old was surprisingly obliging to putting on the booties, and sitting for an hour with them on. We documented his progress with photos, I was suitably impressed.

start with the booties

one week later, eeeeewwww

So I decided last week to give it a go. I wanted to do it sooner, but found it hard to find a whole hour that I could set aside to sit down with these gel things on my feet. You CAN walk with them, but it feels really weird, and definitely can’t run…..

I didn’t time things very well as it turns out.

After about 5 days, my feet seemed really dry. The next night, I took a hot bath to speed up the peeling process, and suddenly it looked like my feet had been grated. I panicked a little, realizing anywhere I walked barefoot would leave a trail…yuck.

This massive shedding started the night before I was due to attend a summer wedding reception dinner. I stayed up until 2:30am basically peeling my feet off. Gross, right? But think back to grade school…..remember when you would spread Elmer’s glue all over your hand, let it dry, and then peel it off? Remember how weird/cool it was to do that? It was a LOT like that……

Oh…you never did that?

Anway, the next day… the day of the reception….. I still had peeling. I felt too nervous to wear strappy dress shoes that would expose my feet during their metamorphosis. Thoughts of walking across a dance floor, leaving little pieces of me behind were making me think twice about going.

I ended not going, and kept socks on to stop the spread of my DNA.

So, yes, Baby Foot really works. It’s amazing how soft and smooth my feet are. I’ll probably do it again, just not before I need to bare my feet too soon 🙂

momsranting

My place to talk about my family, my life, and maybe some other stuff too

Category Archives: humor