Category Archives: humor

Death to technology

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I’m floundering here….

laptop is dead. New one won’t get here for another week!!!

18 year old kicked a ball into my hand, as I was holding my iphone…. sending it face down into a rock.

Imagine how hard it is to post a blog, check my email, text… even make a call with  a very cracked up screen. part of it stuck to my face yesterday. It came OFF on my face as I pulled the phone away.

I don’t know how the touch screen still works.

I have this laptop I’ve stolen from my husband, and every 10 minutes it shuts down and runs an everlasting update… I’m racing against time right now.

I have to find alternative ways of communication. Like, talking face to face!!??

……help…..

Charlie saves the day

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We had a play date today, me and the 2 youngest.

Jenna at any moment is usually carrying one or several pet dogs or horses, the stuffed variety. Today she insisted on bringing “Chip”, a beagle looking stuffed dog with her.

after 3 hours of playing, we left. All of us forgetting Chip behind.

The mom sends me a text, they found him…how do I want to arrange getting him back?

I made an executive decision, counting on Jenna to not remember that we forgot her baby behind. Just send him to school with her youngest on Monday, I’ll have Sammy bring him home.

Wouldn’t you know, Jenna sure did remember her dog…..

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She didn’t take too well to my plan of letting him stay away for a few days. Even promising to get him tomorrow didn’t stop the tears.

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I thought she’d taper off, go do something else, but she stayed focused on her misery. The only thing that slowed the tears was actually watching me take her photos…she would slow down enough to inspect each image. I pointed out tears and tried some filters to catch her anguish at its best advantage.

She is excellent at expressing her despair.

Finally, in desperation, I made a deal. I offered her the companionship of my own best stuffed friend, Charlie. With me since the age of 3, he is kept in a place away from grabbing hands where he can sit in peace and reflect on all the good years he’s shared with me.

I every so carefully brought him out and told Jenna she could take care of him until Chip comes back. She was taken with the idea of befriending my elderly raccoon.

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No, Chip is not forgotten….but for now she is content.

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And tomorrow….tomorrow that beagle is coming home.

 

Plodding along

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It’s been a little while since I booked our upcoming vacation…only 3 weeks away!

I’ve surprised myself by actually sticking to my plan to workout daily. I think I’ve missed one day per week, totally acceptable.

Even my diet has improved…despite the Easter bunnies attempts to smother me with carmallow eggs this week…l persevered. And I bought inferior brand chocolate eggs so as not to tempt myself excessively.

Even today, I’m driving and start thinking about taco salads. There is no one to stop me…maybe I should just get one and scarf it down, as if eating it faster will somehow negate the fact that it happened.

But no. This guilt thing is really inconvenient. So instead of calorie laden goodness, I semi-enjoyed my salad. My regular salad.

Well played by the teenager

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I have probably mentioned a few times….. I am a clean freak. Just a little bit.

Not surprisingly, the kids don’t appreciate a sparkling floor as much as I do. Gleaming fixtures do nothing for them. The smell of lemon fresh pine sol doesn’t spark joy, it just makes them hide.

I was in whirlwind clean mode today after bringing Sammy home from school. When Jake, the teen got home, I followed him up to his room…. this is after I’d washed floors, vacuumed, and cleaned 2 bathrooms….

“Look,” I said to him, holding a box of miracle Clorox singles scrubs.

“These things are amazing! Even YOU can keep your bathroom clean-FINALLY-if you just use these once or twice a week!”

He wasn’t impressed. Kind of lingered in the doorway and I could tell I was losing his interest. It looked like he needed a demonstration.

Desperate to get his attention, to engage him in my cleaning fetish, I force him to watch as I blast the sink and start scrubbing it.

“Watch me!, just watch….. see how easy it is!!!”

I lather, I rinse, I repeat…. and off to the toilet to show him how the SAME sponge has enough cleanser to continue the job here. You can use the same one!!!

All the while he is mumbling about how it doesn’t even look dirty to him as I bitch about the toothpaste marks, hair, and good old dust showing up all over the place.

I finish.

And it’s sparkling, clean…. I feel great!

Except I was supposed to make him do it.

Oh well. At least I know I have a good day or two before my beautiful job is buried under another coating of grime and apathy.

Daddy’s girl

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nails1

When we had Sammy, the husband was over the moon. Not because he was a boy, but because it was his child, his first.

In truth, I believe he was actually hoping for a girl when we found ourselves expecting.

He has a niece, Jenna, and swore if he had a daughter he was going to give her the same name because he just loved her so much.

He talks about his younger sister, born when he was a teenager, and how he loved helping take care of her, she was like a little doll. He is such a softie. I have often compared his personality with the kids to a grandma, because he is seriously that doting.

Obviously, I’m the mean one.

When we found out we were having a girl the next time around, I expected him to be thrilled. After all, Sammy wasn’t a month old before he was asking when I was going to give him a daughter. (you don’t want to know how that conversation went…. )

He was not thrilled. He was terrified. Hoping the ultrasound was wrong.

I was shocked. And kind of pissed at him. And thrilled because I “knew” it was a girl. I was ready for another girl after having boys the last 2 times.

the husband fretted about the responsibility of having a daughter…. I heard him muttering things about boys….and periods…. a bit overwhelmed.

We named her Jenna. And at first…. I worried that she wouldn’t get the same love from the husband that he gave to Sammy. I feared that he loved his first child so much, there couldn’t be room for another. Especially now that he seemed so scared of having a daughter.

As time has gone on, Jenna has made her place in the family. She is not gentle natured like her brother and her dad. She is bossy, and sassy…. and the tougher of our two little ones.

But still, it happened. He is a slave to her whims. He begs for hugs and kisses, and she doles them out very sparingly. She blatantly uses him to stay up late when I say no, or to get things I say she can’t have. He knows this, but he is powerless to tell her no. (that grandma syndrome again)

She is three now, and very secure in her dads affections.

And he has turned into a hair-styling, nail-polishing, awesome dad who is grateful for his boy and his girl, even if she is as prickly as a cactus sometimes.

I’m a cave man

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leanandmuscular.org

I really have enjoyed finding other bloggers here, reading their posts, getting to know them, following them in a completely non-stalker way. Mostly.

I’m having some trouble right now. There is a blogger who was kind enough to follow me, and after checking out his blog I also followed him. He had a sense of humor and I enjoyed his most recent post.

That, I think, was his only post in English. So now, I get all these posts of his to see…. with photos that really captivate my attention… and titles that promise to have me laughing along with the story….. but I can’t understand any of it. And why are the titles in English, raising my expectations each time I see a new blog posted…. that THIS time I will be able to read it…. only to be disappointed.

What’s a tutti????

Tempted to use Google translator, one paragraph at a time. Or learn Italian. Not sure it’s Italian though.

But… I still “like” his posts. Because I just KNOW I would really like them, if I could just read them. Not his fault that I’m a cave man with only one language in my repertoire.

Hey…. if you ever read this… you know who you are. I really. REALLY want to know what you are saying.

a funny happening

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courtesy of thewritingnut.com

When I started this blog, I had no idea who I was writing to, or always what to write about.

It was my sisters idea, actually….. she knows I’ve always loved to write. “Start a mommy blog” she told me…. “you will become wildly popular and wealthy beyond all your wildest dreams”.

Or something like that.

I quickly realized that when forced to research topics to write about, things that other people might want to read about, I was less than inspired to write. Too much like work.

So it’s evolved into whatever it is right now… I guess it’s still a mommy blog, I do talk a lot about my kids…. sometimes I think the only people who will truly find some worth in it are my kids.

Which is why I find it so surprising and strangely flattering to hear that my oldest daughter has friends who actually read this too. And they tell her things like “OMG, your mom is so amazing and cool…. I wish she was my mom.”, and ” your mom is hilarious, I wish I was her.”, and “I’m so in love with your mom, I’m going to kidnap her.”

Or something like that……

And you know, this is a big deal for me…. never having been a “popular” kid in school. I was way too shy and blushed a lot….. and of course I didn’t have cool shoes so that alone set the stage for 4 years of high school misery.

And so, at the age of 40, quite past the age of my daughter and her friends…. they are somehow sucked in by the effortless charm I seem to exude, the breezy way I handle challenges and disappointments (with chocolate donuts..), and no doubt… by the rock star attitude with which I approach everything from potty training to bathing suit shopping.

…..or something like that.

 

back with Jillian

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smug

A very smug smile. courtesy of parade.com

 

The vacation is booked, so there is no going back. We are going to a place where it will be pretty much mandatory that I get in the water, outside, in public.

Now earnestly trying to cram a year of working out into 4 weeks.

At what point is it acceptable for me to wear a swim dress? A swim jogging suit? Can I get away with this? Those LL Bean models look great in their long sleeve rash guards…. but why the tiny bottoms?? Where are their long pants?

So I have to stop playing around here.

Turn on the TV, ready in my workout clothes…. back to the 30 day shred. Sorry Charlene, you are super nice…. but you don’t yell enough for me to truly exert myself. You make me feel too good about myself the way I am. I need someone that makes me feel kind of crappy and out of shape. I need to be shamed into fixing this.

Jillian is of course smug about the whole thing. She knew I’d be back.

 

A new destination awaits

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We have toyed with the idea of vacationing somewhere besides Vegas….. then booked our trip to Vegas. This has happened several times as the husband and I both seem to be the “comfortable in our rut” kind of people. Nothing wrong with that!

But, for the sake of the children understanding there are more than 2 points on the map, we are embarking on a new journey.

After our last Vegas trip, in the ARCTIC cold….. we had one requirement, it had to be warm. A for sure kind of warm that won’t ever let you down.

New destination: Mexico.

A patient of my husbands actually brought him a travel guide full of destinations, and recommended a particular resort he’s been to over 20 times. Wow, it must be great.

It’s family friendly…… got tons of swimming things to do, including a big lazy river that goes for like, miles or something. Entertainment at all hours of the day and night, lots of activities inside and outside.

Now the good part. It’s all inclusive. ALL YOU CAN EAT. Even ROOM SERVICE. Yes, I’m yelling this. It’s an amazing and wonderful concept. Makes up for the stupid strawberries and grapes I ate today instead of the bucket of grease I wanted.

So the countdown begins…. and the frantic attempts to work out and get in fabulous shape are conflicting with the desire to find the best sweatsuit/bathing suit and just start training now for my food marathon.

 

My biggest critic

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judge

image from: abovethelaw.com

The oldest is fortunate enough to get my blogs posted to her wall on Facebook so she doesn’t even have to strain herself to find and read them. It’s my way of keeping her posted on the goings-on in the house, and in my head.

Somehow, somewhere along the way, she has designated herself to be my official critic. She is pretty harsh sometimes, and I find myself getting strangely frustrated when I see a 6/10 on a post that I thought was at least a solid 8. Feels like I’m back in my first writing class in college……

let’s be honest you’ll probably never gain enough self-control but I like the optimism, 6.5/10

I enjoy that you’ve accepted defeat, since you have 4 kids there’s no way you’ll ever win. and I love how mean Jenna is, she’s got spunk. I’ll give it an 8/10

I’ll give it an 9/10 because I like how passive aggressive you’re being with Gasan and I enjoy your sarcasm

aww this made me sad. you have a 10/10 forehead and you’ll still be hot when you’re all wrinkly :))

you’re a ho ho. I don’t like that you’re being healthy, it makes me feel like I should change my lifestyle and I’m not ready for that. 6/10 for unintentionally shaming me
 
I have found that she tends to be a little more forgiving with her grading system when she’s feeling sorry for me for 1. having so many kids, 2. having so many kids and so many wrinkles, and also she seems to like it when I’m being snarky.

I’m not going lie, I now find myself anticipating her judgment, and also find her awesomely sarcastic and amusing. I wonder if she thinks her personality is anything like mine??