Tag Archives: humor

Mexican pat down

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patdown

My final story about our vacation takes place on our last day there.

It starts when I go to the lobby and try to print our boarding passes at the front desk. After managing my way through Spanish Google, I get to my email and click on the link. Get the passes printed, and realize everyone has a pass but me!

Instead I have a cute little note that says, “sorry, we couldn’t print your pass, please have them printed at the terminal”… something like that.

Got to the airport, went to the desk. The guy was super nice, and actually changed our seats so we were all together and really close to first class. Reprinted passes for everyone, even me this time.

I watched, idly, as he stacked the passes together, then carefully circled the “SSSS” marked on one of the passes. Still means nothing to me, you know they always write weird things on those papers as you get through security etc… anyway.

Through security, then the wait, then last minute bathroom trip, then finally we get to board the plane. Well, almost…..

As I hand over our passes to the agent, about to step into the plane, she asks me-only me-to step aside.

I’m ushered to a table where I’m asked to empty my purse, and hold my arms out to enjoy being frisked by another agent as my belongings are scrutinized. Passengers are still boarding, my husband is off to the side just smiling… and I’m doing my best to look all “hey, I’m cool….” because I’m so embarrassed that people can SEE this happening to me! After I have to sit down and take off my shoes to have them inspected, I’m allowed to get on the plane. Still trying to act completely nonchalant about the whole thing.

I glare at my middle eastern husband….this is the second time I’ve been pulled aside and patted down/searched while traveling with him. Is it random?? Or do they think he’s planting explosives on me??

It’s probably random……

My advice? Beware the quadruple S!!!

 

Vacation wildlife encounters

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Where I live, the local wildlife tend to keep their distance. Squirrels and chipmunks abound outside, you can hear them chattering and see them leaping about, but they don’t tend to come up to you and steal the food out of your hand.

In Mexico, we met a cousin of the raccoon, the coati. Also fondly known as the hog-nosed coon to it’s close friends.

Initially awed by the different wildlife all around us, we snapped pictures of these creatures as we encountered them….which was pretty much everywhere. There are signs posted to NOT feed them, out of respect for their natural habitat and diet.

Turns out, humans posted that sign….. and the coatis are not at all in agreement.

This was made clear to us pretty early on. I was taking a break from swimming with the 6 year old. We were sitting poolside as he munched on some oatmeal raisin cookies. Up comes a coati…. and it just keeps coming….. literally nose to nose with my son, and is obviously interested in the cookie he doesn’t seem to be eating fast enough.

We went from amused to kind of freaked out as I eyed his sharp teeth and retractible claws…. imagining him taking a soft chunk of my sons face along with the cookie he wanted to steal.

So I did the only thing I could think of. Grabbed the cookie and threw it away from us. As predicted, the coati followed calmly, picked it up and started munching away. Along the same time, as I’m nervously laughing, I hear a snide “You’re not supposed to feed the animals” from a passing group of girls. Duh.

Coati gets done, and comes nosing around again, this time dipping his pointy snout into my sons pineapple juice. My god, is nothing sacred!?

A fellow vacationer took pity on us, and chased off the scavenger…. and we learned to snack more cautiously.

Less inclined to give us rabies perhaps, were the peacocks. They were also all over the property.

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Here is one of them now!!  A peacock, or “Mr. Weird” according to the 3 year old.

Also out in great numbers, were the various lizards.

We liked to watch them crawl sideways up the walls, and eat the flowers all around.

of course, there were plenty of other animals to study and enjoy.

And then, there were these guys…

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They followed us everwhere, took the food from our hands and even off our plates! Slept in our beds and forced us to carry them around when they got tired of walking. They made all sorts of weird noises and somehow managed to follow us all the way home.

We’ve decided to keep them for now….

 

 

 

The horror of a red nose

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Let me tell you what you are looking at.

This is the beginning of a cold. I hope it’s only a cold. It started yesterday, a little goopy nose stuff, I pretended it wasn’t real, but still coated her in Vicks before bed. Set up the vaporizer and prayed…..

Seriously. These kids KNOW we are going on a plane in 2 days!!!!  How could she wait until now to get sick!?

I bought a huge assortment of cold remedies today, she’s had everything from vitamin C to zinc. The chapped cheeks and lips are setting in. The sniffles are here, we are tip-toeing around, trying to keep the cough and fever from finding us.

I would like to blame someone for this….

and also someone for causing me to gain weight instead of either lose weight or stay the same weight since I’ve started my hard core workout routine. I love how loyal my friends are, every single one has told me I must be gaining muscle, and not that the girl scout cookies and birthday cake are just stubbornly holding on.

And lastly, I would like to blame someone, anyone really, for this stiff neck that started this morning… after a particularly challenging workout last night. I can’t turn my head fully, it causes shooting pain down my back. You should have seen my turning my entire body, stiff in my seat on the highway as I tried to check  my blind spot during my very unsafe drive to work today.

So this is how I imagine my first couple vacation days… One, possibly two goopy kids….. full of snot and sand, attempting to run on the beach with mom who is not only blocking the sun with her massive size, but also resembles Frankenstein as she stumbles, stiff-legged and moaning in pain………

Or… it could all be fine. It’s a toss up right now.

pinterest.com

 

 

Hiding from germs

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We are leaving in a week to vacation in another country.

Now that time is almost upon us, I feel like I’m in the danger zone. Afraid to leave the house, afraid to let the kids go outside, touch anything, breathe around anyone….

NO ONE can get hurt, or sick!!

Vitamins all around, extra vitamin C, probiotics….

Just let us get on that plane. And stay healthy there…..

Because let’s face it…. with multiple kids who are exposed to crap all the time, sickness sometimes descends out of nowhere…. and when it gets here, it lasts. And lasts.

When I’m home and not planning to leave the country, I can handle it. I have access to things like puke buckets, ibuprofen, the sick couch, and all the sprite and jello anyone could want.

But away from home, I feel a little bit like we might not be able to handle sickness so well. And I know it happens!  I once saw a little girl puke all over the lady next to her on a plane. It wasn’t her mom. Poor both of them.

I’ve been out with the kids locally, and had them get sick. Last time it was Sammy a few  years ago, felt sick out at dinner. Started puking as I carried him to the bathroom. I automatically caught it, directing his stream of vomit into my sweater to save the carpet. But home was just down the street.

I guess it’s on my mind because my oldest boy is sick right now. He stayed home from school a couple days ago and has been coughing and just really tired and achey.

As I get him tea, popsicles, cough drops, I am also praying he doesn’t infect anyone else. Not now!!!

So I’m trying to lie low. I want the germs to ignore us completely. We are not interesting, move on!!

wellnessweekly.net

 

Reiki in the face

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tinybuddha.com

So my oldest is really stressing….spending the majority of her days in the library, studying for finals. Chemistry is not fun. This is a class most of us walk away from and never look back.

She really, really wants to walk away.

Called me tonight, just DONE with studying. I think she’s reached the point that it’s actually harmful for her to continue. We talked briefly, she’s tired and worried. She’s always been a worrier, kind of like me. If my assumption is correct, she is probably balancing her future on this test tomorrow, and has reached the conclusion that failure will surely have her living under a bridge.

Oh… she won’t live under a bridge. I know it, somewhere inside, she knows it. But of course I want to give her that extra motivation, that little spark she needs right now to believe in herself.

In the past, when she used to get a tummy ache, or something similar… I made up this little thing where I’d “pull out the pain”. Kind of swirl my hand around and pretend I was grabbing the offending pain and throw it away….. it made her feel better, at least  mentally.

Then we had the “dream magic”… during the bad dream phase. I made up a little rhyme, “Bibbity, Bobbity, Boo…. only good dreams to come through”… during this time I’m swirling my hand in a pattern around her head, then finish with a “Bippity… Bobbity… BOO!” with each word I’m reenacting a TV evangelist as they shake the demon out of the poor saps head…. she loved it!  In fact, the 5 year old swears by the “dream magic” these days…and makes sure I give him a good dose each night.

These things worked at that age for her…. but right now it’s a little harder to find a way to boost her confidence, calm her down, yet lift her up.

So, I told her I was going to try my hand at my own version of Reiki, with absolutely no training. I’m just going to blast her with a boatload of positive energy. Right in the face. I’m gathering it up, a big ball of positivity, swirling happy thoughts and also any random tips on calculating PH out there in the cosmos…. and I’m just throwing handfuls of it at her. And there it goes, glittering and shining all over her. Oh… it’s making her sneeze, that’s so cute.

Feel like throwing some good luck energy out there??  Just focus on my 18 year old, she’s the one freaking out right now in Columbus, awaiting her test around 11am tomorrow. Just gather up some positive thoughts, chemistry facts, and virtual chocolate… and shower her with it.

 

 

missing socks and PMS

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The other day, the husband asked if he could please wash his own clothes. This is not the first time.

He is missing two socks.

We have been through this before. Somehow he feels the laws of laundry should not apply to him. He believes his sock pairs should always remain intact, matched, and never lost or separated.

Why does he think his two missing socks is more devastating than the handful of socks the rest of us are missing??  I keep them, patiently waiting for the prodigal missing socks to return. You never know….

Supposedly, when he was single and did his own laundry, he never lost a sock. Big deal. He probably  had the time to stand  by the washer and dryer, counting socks as he transferred from one to the other, and congratulated himself daily on his perfect laundry record.

Over here, in real life…. things are not so orderly. I have teens that occasionally help, when forced, with laundry. I have a zillion children and between them a countless number of socks. Many of them now have the same sized feet, and wear similar colored socks. This is ridiculous. I know, I just KNOW there is a place inside the washer that destroys socks. Or transports them to an alternate universe. Like a black hole.

Anyway…. the point is…. he wants to do his own laundry because he really likes this pair of socks and now he only has one left. I’ve looked in everyones laundry. Everyones drawers. It’s totally missing.

So, probably yesterday wasn’t the best day for him to say this to me. I’m a little hormonally unbalanced at the moment…. and so ended up getting very snarky with comments about how I was still good enough to clean his toilets…and him doing his best to avoid an actual argument about my inadequate sock washing skills.

A talk with my sister helped me realize that I might be over reacting. Slightly. After all, he apparently is just talking about one thing, his socks… whereas in my mind, I’ve already taken his rejection of my laundry efforts as the first step in the eventual demise of our relationship.

Perhaps…. he still loves me. And he just wants to try keeping his socks together himself. I suppose that’s a possibility.

I didn’t have full insight until later today…. as I chose to eat a huge chocolate peanut butter cupcake and watch “daddy’s home” instead of working out….. and cried at the dance-off at the end. Then chased those tears with a piece of french silk pie.

Hormones. They are no joke.

 

A moment with stitch fix

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My box came today! I’ve been doing this stitch fix thing for a while, and I’m debating the merits of continuing.

I want to love every piece in my box, at the same time I don’t because I don’t want to spend the money to buy everything.

I usually love or at least like one or 2 pieces. Once I bought the whole box because it was cheaper than sending the one thing back I didn’t like. I got the 25% discount for buying every item, and my mom liked the shirt that I didn’t.

I do what I can to give my stylist a head start, I keep a Pinterest page of styles I like…and I give feedback with every box I get.

And here we go…

It’s very exciting at first glance. The colors and textures are promising… So let’s try things on.

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Ok. I like this shirt. It’s not amazing but it is completely my style and I will wear it a trillion times. Probably I do have similar tops, but not with that sassy colored edging.

Let’s move on.

Ok. I know this grey sleeveless sweater thing must be stylish. I think with younger ladies who are not fully mature women yet, and like to wear clothes with vital parts missing in the name of fashion. I see plenty of cut off, and backless tops, even tops with strategic cut outs. But this just feels wrong to me. Where are the sleeves? Why the big cowl neck and nothing to balance it?

And white jeans. This is no fault of the stylist, but white jeans have no place in my life. They call attention to every flaw, they shine like a cellulite beacon, and they attract things like grubby sticky preschool hands. No thanks.

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I am truly stumped. I can’t tell if this is something I like or not. I love the color. But do I look like I stole it from my fancy grandma?? Should this be accessorized with burgundy heels, or spectacles? Bifocals? Hearing aide? Alas, my oldest is not here to guide me. I will keep it and believe I look romantic and not elderly.

Easiest part, throw what I don’t want in the postage paid bag.

Goodbye white jeans. Goodbye weird sleeveless but otherwise really biggish and shapeless sweater thing. Goodbye pinkish knit cardigan that I could not actually wear over a shirt because your sleeves are far too tight to layer effectively.

No, I’m not quitting. Some boxes are better than others, and it must be really hard to style someone who actually has no sense of style or personal style beyond comfortable and striped.

Kudos to all those people who have figured out how to dress themselves well. Some of us are still learning.

 

Death to technology

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I’m floundering here….

laptop is dead. New one won’t get here for another week!!!

18 year old kicked a ball into my hand, as I was holding my iphone…. sending it face down into a rock.

Imagine how hard it is to post a blog, check my email, text… even make a call with  a very cracked up screen. part of it stuck to my face yesterday. It came OFF on my face as I pulled the phone away.

I don’t know how the touch screen still works.

I have this laptop I’ve stolen from my husband, and every 10 minutes it shuts down and runs an everlasting update… I’m racing against time right now.

I have to find alternative ways of communication. Like, talking face to face!!??

……help…..

Charlie saves the day

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We had a play date today, me and the 2 youngest.

Jenna at any moment is usually carrying one or several pet dogs or horses, the stuffed variety. Today she insisted on bringing “Chip”, a beagle looking stuffed dog with her.

after 3 hours of playing, we left. All of us forgetting Chip behind.

The mom sends me a text, they found him…how do I want to arrange getting him back?

I made an executive decision, counting on Jenna to not remember that we forgot her baby behind. Just send him to school with her youngest on Monday, I’ll have Sammy bring him home.

Wouldn’t you know, Jenna sure did remember her dog…..

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She didn’t take too well to my plan of letting him stay away for a few days. Even promising to get him tomorrow didn’t stop the tears.

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I thought she’d taper off, go do something else, but she stayed focused on her misery. The only thing that slowed the tears was actually watching me take her photos…she would slow down enough to inspect each image. I pointed out tears and tried some filters to catch her anguish at its best advantage.

She is excellent at expressing her despair.

Finally, in desperation, I made a deal. I offered her the companionship of my own best stuffed friend, Charlie. With me since the age of 3, he is kept in a place away from grabbing hands where he can sit in peace and reflect on all the good years he’s shared with me.

I every so carefully brought him out and told Jenna she could take care of him until Chip comes back. She was taken with the idea of befriending my elderly raccoon.

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No, Chip is not forgotten….but for now she is content.

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And tomorrow….tomorrow that beagle is coming home.

 

Plodding along

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It’s been a little while since I booked our upcoming vacation…only 3 weeks away!

I’ve surprised myself by actually sticking to my plan to workout daily. I think I’ve missed one day per week, totally acceptable.

Even my diet has improved…despite the Easter bunnies attempts to smother me with carmallow eggs this week…l persevered. And I bought inferior brand chocolate eggs so as not to tempt myself excessively.

Even today, I’m driving and start thinking about taco salads. There is no one to stop me…maybe I should just get one and scarf it down, as if eating it faster will somehow negate the fact that it happened.

But no. This guilt thing is really inconvenient. So instead of calorie laden goodness, I semi-enjoyed my salad. My regular salad.