Tag Archives: humor

Well played by the teenager

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I have probably mentioned a few times….. I am a clean freak. Just a little bit.

Not surprisingly, the kids don’t appreciate a sparkling floor as much as I do. Gleaming fixtures do nothing for them. The smell of lemon fresh pine sol doesn’t spark joy, it just makes them hide.

I was in whirlwind clean mode today after bringing Sammy home from school. When Jake, the teen got home, I followed him up to his room…. this is after I’d washed floors, vacuumed, and cleaned 2 bathrooms….

“Look,” I said to him, holding a box of miracle Clorox singles scrubs.

“These things are amazing! Even YOU can keep your bathroom clean-FINALLY-if you just use these once or twice a week!”

He wasn’t impressed. Kind of lingered in the doorway and I could tell I was losing his interest. It looked like he needed a demonstration.

Desperate to get his attention, to engage him in my cleaning fetish, I force him to watch as I blast the sink and start scrubbing it.

“Watch me!, just watch….. see how easy it is!!!”

I lather, I rinse, I repeat…. and off to the toilet to show him how the SAME sponge has enough cleanser to continue the job here. You can use the same one!!!

All the while he is mumbling about how it doesn’t even look dirty to him as I bitch about the toothpaste marks, hair, and good old dust showing up all over the place.

I finish.

And it’s sparkling, clean…. I feel great!

Except I was supposed to make him do it.

Oh well. At least I know I have a good day or two before my beautiful job is buried under another coating of grime and apathy.

vegan cancer dilemma

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vegan

courtesy of: mamamia.com.au

I have a friend with cancer. This really sucks and we all wish it wasn’t so…. but so far wishing hasn’t done much to change it, so she’s going to stick with chemo, radiation, and then surgery.

She’s got 2 little ones, the same age as my little ones. Right now, with daily treatments she’s pretty tired and wiped out. Can’t stay awake let alone manage the household the same as before.

On the positive side, people want to help. And why wouldn’t they? She’s wonderful, kind, helpful, and would do the same for them.

So what do most of us do when tragedy strikes someone close to us? When we don’t have any special ability to fix their problem, but still want to do something to help….

We bring food.

And here I am wanting to bring her comfort food…putting myself in her place, thinking of all the things I would want to eat to make up for the crap fact that I had cancer. Like anything chocolate, cookies, bread….comfort foods. Whatever really, but an alfredo sauce would probably help, right?

So she says “anything vegan and gluten free”

I’m horrified.

Why??!  is this something to do with the cancer? Thinking this is a crazy and barbaric treatment option…

NO… that’s just her diet.

OMG. and she has cancer on top of it.

that really sucks.

How am I going to comfort her with blueberries and bananas? What in gods name can she EAT?

Well, I’m figuring it out. It’s my mission to find something delicious and open my mind to the possibility of whole meals made without meat/dairy/gluten. I guess it’s possible to find comfort in a salad….with peanuts…..

In the meantime, I’m including a link to her Gofundme page. In case you are feeling charitable, or you think there is a chance donating to a worthy cause might improve your cosmic/karmic standing. I have it on good authority that every person who donates will find themselves richer for doing so… and prayers are definitely an acceptable donation as well 🙂

I’m a cave man

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cave

leanandmuscular.org

I really have enjoyed finding other bloggers here, reading their posts, getting to know them, following them in a completely non-stalker way. Mostly.

I’m having some trouble right now. There is a blogger who was kind enough to follow me, and after checking out his blog I also followed him. He had a sense of humor and I enjoyed his most recent post.

That, I think, was his only post in English. So now, I get all these posts of his to see…. with photos that really captivate my attention… and titles that promise to have me laughing along with the story….. but I can’t understand any of it. And why are the titles in English, raising my expectations each time I see a new blog posted…. that THIS time I will be able to read it…. only to be disappointed.

What’s a tutti????

Tempted to use Google translator, one paragraph at a time. Or learn Italian. Not sure it’s Italian though.

But… I still “like” his posts. Because I just KNOW I would really like them, if I could just read them. Not his fault that I’m a cave man with only one language in my repertoire.

Hey…. if you ever read this… you know who you are. I really. REALLY want to know what you are saying.

a funny happening

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blog

courtesy of thewritingnut.com

When I started this blog, I had no idea who I was writing to, or always what to write about.

It was my sisters idea, actually….. she knows I’ve always loved to write. “Start a mommy blog” she told me…. “you will become wildly popular and wealthy beyond all your wildest dreams”.

Or something like that.

I quickly realized that when forced to research topics to write about, things that other people might want to read about, I was less than inspired to write. Too much like work.

So it’s evolved into whatever it is right now… I guess it’s still a mommy blog, I do talk a lot about my kids…. sometimes I think the only people who will truly find some worth in it are my kids.

Which is why I find it so surprising and strangely flattering to hear that my oldest daughter has friends who actually read this too. And they tell her things like “OMG, your mom is so amazing and cool…. I wish she was my mom.”, and ” your mom is hilarious, I wish I was her.”, and “I’m so in love with your mom, I’m going to kidnap her.”

Or something like that……

And you know, this is a big deal for me…. never having been a “popular” kid in school. I was way too shy and blushed a lot….. and of course I didn’t have cool shoes so that alone set the stage for 4 years of high school misery.

And so, at the age of 40, quite past the age of my daughter and her friends…. they are somehow sucked in by the effortless charm I seem to exude, the breezy way I handle challenges and disappointments (with chocolate donuts..), and no doubt… by the rock star attitude with which I approach everything from potty training to bathing suit shopping.

…..or something like that.

 

back with Jillian

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smug

A very smug smile. courtesy of parade.com

 

The vacation is booked, so there is no going back. We are going to a place where it will be pretty much mandatory that I get in the water, outside, in public.

Now earnestly trying to cram a year of working out into 4 weeks.

At what point is it acceptable for me to wear a swim dress? A swim jogging suit? Can I get away with this? Those LL Bean models look great in their long sleeve rash guards…. but why the tiny bottoms?? Where are their long pants?

So I have to stop playing around here.

Turn on the TV, ready in my workout clothes…. back to the 30 day shred. Sorry Charlene, you are super nice…. but you don’t yell enough for me to truly exert myself. You make me feel too good about myself the way I am. I need someone that makes me feel kind of crappy and out of shape. I need to be shamed into fixing this.

Jillian is of course smug about the whole thing. She knew I’d be back.

 

A new destination awaits

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We have toyed with the idea of vacationing somewhere besides Vegas….. then booked our trip to Vegas. This has happened several times as the husband and I both seem to be the “comfortable in our rut” kind of people. Nothing wrong with that!

But, for the sake of the children understanding there are more than 2 points on the map, we are embarking on a new journey.

After our last Vegas trip, in the ARCTIC cold….. we had one requirement, it had to be warm. A for sure kind of warm that won’t ever let you down.

New destination: Mexico.

A patient of my husbands actually brought him a travel guide full of destinations, and recommended a particular resort he’s been to over 20 times. Wow, it must be great.

It’s family friendly…… got tons of swimming things to do, including a big lazy river that goes for like, miles or something. Entertainment at all hours of the day and night, lots of activities inside and outside.

Now the good part. It’s all inclusive. ALL YOU CAN EAT. Even ROOM SERVICE. Yes, I’m yelling this. It’s an amazing and wonderful concept. Makes up for the stupid strawberries and grapes I ate today instead of the bucket of grease I wanted.

So the countdown begins…. and the frantic attempts to work out and get in fabulous shape are conflicting with the desire to find the best sweatsuit/bathing suit and just start training now for my food marathon.

 

My biggest critic

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judge

image from: abovethelaw.com

The oldest is fortunate enough to get my blogs posted to her wall on Facebook so she doesn’t even have to strain herself to find and read them. It’s my way of keeping her posted on the goings-on in the house, and in my head.

Somehow, somewhere along the way, she has designated herself to be my official critic. She is pretty harsh sometimes, and I find myself getting strangely frustrated when I see a 6/10 on a post that I thought was at least a solid 8. Feels like I’m back in my first writing class in college……

let’s be honest you’ll probably never gain enough self-control but I like the optimism, 6.5/10

I enjoy that you’ve accepted defeat, since you have 4 kids there’s no way you’ll ever win. and I love how mean Jenna is, she’s got spunk. I’ll give it an 8/10

I’ll give it an 9/10 because I like how passive aggressive you’re being with Gasan and I enjoy your sarcasm

aww this made me sad. you have a 10/10 forehead and you’ll still be hot when you’re all wrinkly :))

you’re a ho ho. I don’t like that you’re being healthy, it makes me feel like I should change my lifestyle and I’m not ready for that. 6/10 for unintentionally shaming me
 
I have found that she tends to be a little more forgiving with her grading system when she’s feeling sorry for me for 1. having so many kids, 2. having so many kids and so many wrinkles, and also she seems to like it when I’m being snarky.

I’m not going lie, I now find myself anticipating her judgment, and also find her awesomely sarcastic and amusing. I wonder if she thinks her personality is anything like mine??

 

temptation and motivation

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sometimes, your gummy vitamins just aren’t enough to tame the cravings. When I find myself considering self harm because I’m dying for junk food… I tend to give in.

So I got this cute little mini muffin pan and decided to make some chocolate chip something or other cookie cups to tame the inner beast. I ended up making these peanut butter chocolate chip cookie cups that only took about 20 minutes to make.

cookie

YUM. Recipe from averiecooks.com

They totally satisfied 🙂

Of course, I felt like I could give in to temptation today because I’ve been working out more. Partly because the two younger ones have been really into it, and frequently harass me into working out with them.

We all have to put on matching tank tops, or Sammy goes topless to showcase his guns….

And they actually work out with me.

cookie2

ah yes, our 10 minute bootie blast……

cookie1

the pilates “100”

cookie3

king of pilates

probably I would have a more effective workout if I would just focus on sucking my belly button into my spine instead of snapping photos and forgetting to breathe…. I’ll figure it out….

 

 

waging a war

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marbles.jpg

There is a point all kids reach… at least all of MY kids…. when they suddenly realize picking up toys and putting them into the organized bins or containers is NOT as much fun as just tossing them around and walking away.

Seems like the 3 year old has reached that threshold.

I just spent 45 minutes…. 45 MINUTES!…..listening to her groaning, crying, yelling, and attempting to sneak away because I refused to let her do anything until she cleaned up the marbles. There are over 300 I think.

I stayed strong.

It was hell, but they are picked up. She doesn’t like me much right now, but at least she did it. With minimal help from me.

I know she learned nothing from this.

I’m pretty sure she still feels like she won.